For a while I've been pondering the notion of sending death letters to friends, family, and other people important to me -- not letters to be delivered after I die, but while I'm very much alive, not even sick.
This idea has gained strength as I approach my 76th birthday. That sounds damn old to me. Which, it is.
My sister died at 71. My mother died at 73. My father, almost entirely absent from my life, died at 73 (best I can estimate; I'm not sure about the exact age).
So while I'm pretty healthy at the moment, having taken better care of myself than those relatives, I still sort of feel like I've living on borrowed time. After all, usually we have no way of knowing when we'll take our last breath.
Accidents happen. Unexpected heart attacks happen. Murders happen. The only way death is known in advance is if we commit suicide or if we have a fatal disease whose course is predictable.
My sister and mother died without me being able to speak with them. My father, the same, though we were so distant, I might not have wanted to talk with him before his death.
I regret not being able to tell my sister and mother how much I loved them and would miss them. Hopefully they knew this, but we weren't a super-intimate family. I never told them things that I now wish I had, such as regrets about how I could have been a better brother or son, and my appreciation for all they did for me which, in retrospect, I took for granted more than I should have.
That's my motivation for writing individualized death letters to people I care about and sending them out while I'm alive and well, aside from some chronic health problems that are annoying rather than life-threatening.
The letters would be a reflection of my deep feelings for these people. They'd allow me to say things more honestly and directly than I'm able to do in my usual communications with them. I'd imagine that I was on my death bed, even though I wouldn't be. What would I want to say to each of them if I knew that I only had fifteen minutes of living left?
For sure it wouldn't be aimless chit-chat. It would be heartfelt, real, emotional.
That's the spirit I'll try to put myself in when I write the death letters. Of course, if I end up living quite a bit longer, I might want to write a second death letter to some people. (The Social Security Administration says a 76 year old man lives another ten years, on average.)
I wouldn't expect a response to the death letters.
In fact, I see this as a downside of sending them while I'll alive, because I don't want people to think that I'm looking for them to say nice things about me after I've said nice things about them. However, to be honest, it wouldn't bother me if that happened. I just have no expectation of it happening, as I want my words to reflect how I feel about the person, not how I want them to feel about how I feel.
Anyway, this is something I'm planning to pursue over the coming months.
If I ever have a sudden massive heart attack or find a big semi-truck about to hit my little Subaru head on, I don't want my last thought to be, Damn, I never told _____ how much I care about them. I'd rather have it simply be, Fuck! I'm about to die!
We share the same birthday but years apart. I turned 81 this year and the 80s were when I first entered the feeling of being really old and thinking, wow, what will my 80s bring for health problems, which I've had few of in earlier years. I don't think I saw myself as really old, as in aged until somewhere in my 70s. It's all in what someone looks like and I didn't look that old until my 70s and then boom, it came on fast. I knew I was the oldest on my father's side of the family with a few cousins older on my mom's. Old age is definitely different as I think most Americans stay in middle age for a loooong time, but it does end...
Posted by: Rain Trueax | October 10, 2024 at 05:47 AM