For your holiday amusement, here's the 2020 Christmas letter from Nancy, a friend of my wife. Nancy has a great sense of humor that leans toward the dark side -- which I find highly appealing.
I've changed the names in the letter just in case anyone doesn't want their identity splashed across cyberspace. Enjoy....
The Dreaded ChristmasLess Newsletter
Not much going on this year. I got to know my couch better. Discovered new flavors of Cheetos. Immediately answer all emails, texts, IM, voicemail, tweets, Instagram, GroupMe, anything really as I am just so gosh darn happy to communicate in some form with a human.
On March 16th, I realized that every type of employment I have involves people. Tried teaching Aqua Aerobics online but appearing in a swimsuit made the internet crash. Wanted to continue playing for churches but it’s against the law.
Smartly, I began teaching piano online. Acquired lots of students from Russia and Somalia who will be paying me as soon as I forward all my bank account info to them.
Didn’t realize how much I missed being able to smack around a tiny little ball until Squash was forbidden this year. Took up PickledBall, a fun game where you drink 5 shots of tequila and then try to make a useless plastic ball go somewhere. My powerful serves are working well against opponents who fearfully wait from 2 courts away.
On July 26th, Thomas was born. Never before has a child so bright, athletic, intelligent, handsome, and funny graced our planet. Can’t actually go visit him, but Marissa sends me photos and videos so I know he is not just something else that my mind created. He sleeps well through the night with just a little nip before bedtime.
Sara has single-handedly revived the economy in our area with frequent use of DoorDash and UberEats. By spending $50 on an order of french fries, she supports our local economy. She continues her studies, now entering her 14th year of university. Not to be outdone, Robert has also gone back to school trying to Master something or other.
Waldo, our seriously solemn stray, likes the pandemic. Sara and I fight over whose turn it is to give him a walk. With no pesky piano students around trying to pet him or inflict other acts of indulgence, he leads a carefree existence.
As this marks the strangest year ever, I have seen kids begging to go to school, forbidden by their teacher to watch presidential debates and barred from sports fields. For us adults, a night out means dressing up for dinner with a mask, gloves, fleece or fake fur, and then being escorted to a table in the street.
Anxiously awaiting the New Year, or really any year except this one, we wish you a Merry Mazel Tov and Happy Blursday.
Wait, what day is this?