Every year I look forward to getting The Dreaded Christmas Letter from Nancy, a long-time friend of my wife, who ives in the San Francisco Bay area and teaches piano, plus water aerobics.
This year Nancy's appealingly funny letter arrived via Facebook today, where it was easy to copy into a blog post where, hopefully, it will receive the worldwide adulation it deserves.
Enjoy. Since I stole all of the words from her newsletter, I figured I might as well steal the Facebook photos also.
The Dreaded Christmas Newsletter
What fun we had this year!
Walking through walls, being able to see through floors, exposing ourselves to the outdoors and getting better acquainted with all the little insects and animals that populate this earth. Haz mat tents went up and piano students feared for their lives as the dangers of asbestos, mold and lead were cheerfully brought to their attention in bright red letters.
Our new roommate – Murphy – quickly laid down his law and insured that everything that could go wrong, did.
And in case you’re wondering, no, the house remodel is still not finished. Contractors follow the biblical timetable where a minute is a day, an hour is a week and materials that should arrive in 2 weeks do so only after crossing the interspace date removal line.
Following Greta Thunberg’s lead, I am contemplating giving up air travel. Why pay hundreds of dollars to be scanned, searched, deprived of water, forced to stand in endless lines only to then remain motionless in a narrow seat, fearing the norovirus. I’m getting a yacht!
Our California utility company must be the only one in the nation that aims to serve us best by continually cutting off our power. Blackouts have pitted one neighbor against the other as the no-lights glare across the street at the have-lights. Wisely I have stockpiled scented candles gifted to me over the years and the next blackout will, at least, stink nice.
Did you know that a single person’s road trip to L.A. produces 0.3 tons of carbon dioxide? And that it could be halved if there is another person in the car? Savvy girls that we are, Gina and I now use a chauffeur for the trip.
Gina is back in school now getting another degree. Her job at Savers continues to offer her a selection of strangely-abled old men that make her feel desirable and sought after. She is absolutely fearless zipping about town on her scooter, leaving a wake of panicked pedestrians and startled motorists.
Years of lecturing Johnny about safe sex and birth control have paid off. He and his wife Jenny are not procreating. I’m not sure how involved I should be in all this. Gentle suggestions and intimate queries are all met with the same empty stare. His job at the bank is going well and he continues to climb up the corporate ladder without missing a rung as he crashes through the glass ceiling.
Waldo is happy. We pulled out 8 of his teeth and shaved off all his fur while he was asleep. Now he bounds around the house like a new puppy. I hope he never retaliates in kind.
Squash has been good to me this year. I invented an exo-skeleton that I just drop my body into, play a match and then pull out what’s left of it afterward. Not a pretty sight! But definitely better than me teaching aqua aerobics. I have to wear a cloaking device until I get in the water, which I remove after entry. Gives everyone their first heart rate experience of the day!
In addition to playing piano, I am giving nose flute concerts. They have been especially popular in memory care units, where the ability to quickly forget is a plus.
Wishing you a belated Merry Christmas and all the best in the New Year!