It was a good day for our dog to die

Don't get me wrong. I didn't want our beloved older dog, ZuZu, to die. But she did last night, put out of her misery by a dose of morphine at Salem's emergency vet clinic.

What made it a good day -- and now the tears are coming, as I figured they would when I set out to compose this blog post -- was how ZuZu and I got to have a pleasant day together yesterday, since she went downhill really fast, as I'll describe later on.

Monday ZuZu and I had come back from central Oregon a day before my wife and other dog, Mooka. So on Tuesday I didn't want to leave her alone when I went to exercise at the River Road Courthouse athletic club.

In the morning we'd had our usual walk through our rural property, across a creek, and along a community trail here in Spring Lake Estates. ZuZu seemed pretty normal at that point.

She was walking a bit less energetically than usual, which likely was a sign of what was to come. But when she spotted a squirrel, the old ZuZu came to life. Zoom! She raced ahead and excitedly stared into the branches of a tree the squirrel had escaped to.

I'm so happy that ZuZu was able to chase a squirrel on her last day alive. It was one of her favorite things to do. We also ran into some neighbors walking their dogs, so she got to greet them a final time. Nice.

What I'm most glad about is deciding to take ZuZu to the Minto Brown Dog Park after exercising. It was starting to drizzle. I thought about going straight home. But I thought, "ZuZu enjoys the dog park. I've got time. Let's do it."

Yeah, it's a cliche. Live every day as if it were your last. And usually it isn't practical, since we need to plan for future days. 

However, it's also true that we never know. When we will die. When a loved one will die. When a pet will die. I had no idea when I drove the short distance from our athletic club to the dog park that ZuZu would be dead in less than eight hours.

We had a good time at the dog park. ZuZu didn't play with any dogs, but she did a lot of sniffing and tail wagging. Some people patted her. She peed several times. ZuZu wasn't super energetic, and wandered a bit more than usual, but she seemed fairly normal.

I did talk to her as we walked through the large grassy field. ZuZu had been diagnosed with late stage liver disease. Back in June our vet thought she only had days or at most weeks to live. After I took her to the 2019 WillaMutt Strut event I wrote, "Our dog likely is dying, but we had a good time today."

ZuZu and me back in June

Same was true yesterday. Except the likely turned to certainly a few hours later.

At the dog park I patted ZuZu and told her what a great dog she was, how happy I was that she'd come into our life after our previous dog, Serena, had to be put to sleep. (Another way of saying euthanized.) My wife and I had six good years with ZuZu, for which I'm deeply grateful.

It felt good at the time to tell her this, even not knowing what would happen later that day.

I'm also really happy about last weekend during a visit to our co-owned house in Black Butte Ranch. Laurel and I went to the Sisters Harvest Faire on Saturday without ZuZu and our other dog Mooka, figuring it would be distracting and difficult to enjoy the booths with two dogs in tow.

Sunday, Laurel took Mooka for a walk in the early afternoon. I decided to return to Sisters, browse some shops I didn't enter on Saturday, and take ZuZu for a stroll around the Harvest Faire.

Great decision.

I parked by Paulina Springs Books. We walked to an outdoor store, where I tied ZuZu up outside and she got to be admired by passers-by. Then we had a pleasant time strolling around the artsy booths. There were lots of dogs at the Harvest Faire. ZuZu got to greet them and enjoy the many smells.

ZuZu sat next to a chair I tied her to while a woman selling flowers at the adjacent booth patted her as I tried on a fleece jacket that I ended up buying. ZuZu loved attention from strangers. At dog parks she ran up to people as much as dogs.

It's wonderful, really, that ZuZu went downhill so rapidly. We were able to have some very good days with her just before her death, which wasn't unexpected given her liver disease, but shocked us by the suddenness of ZuZu's decline.

Yesterday around noon she threw up her breakfast. I was worried this was related to her disease, but hoped it wasn't. After we went to the dog park I gave her some white rice and canned chicken. She ate a few bites, the last food she'd ever eat.

Then ZuZu started pacing and panting in an agitated fashion. She'd sit for a minute or so, then walk aimlessly around the house, as if looking for some comfort she couldn't find. I noticed she was stumbling at times. By the time Laurel got home with Mooka around 7 pm, it was clear that ZuZu was in bad shape.

She would press her head against a wall, or against my leg. The emergency vet we took her to said ZuZu probably was having severe headaches caused by a build-up of toxins. The vet thought that the last few months was a rally from her end-stage liver disease.

ZuZu had been on antibiotics, cortisone, a diuretic, milk thistle, and CBD. Thankfully, we had about four good months with her before yesterday. 

Our previous dog, Serena, declined gradually before she had to be put to sleep. That made the decision to euthanize tougher, until it became clear how much Serena was suffering. With ZuZu, there was no doubt. She was in extreme distress, though she didn't utter a sound.

The emergency vet said the fluid build-up could be drained, but it would come back right away. We didn't want to put ZuZu through more misery, so last night the morphine was administered. 

I'm sad. I'll probably be sad for quite a while. 

Yet I'm also glad. ZuZu and I had some good days together, including her last day. Death sucks. But it sucks less when the end comes fast, and pleasant recent memories balance out the pain of losing a beloved pet. 

And it's good to have our new Husky mix, Mooka, to pat and talk to. She can't speak in words, but I get a sense that Mooka is missing ZuZu also. 

Comments

[tucson]

My sympathies.

I know how it is.

Dogs are family.

[nwb]

Sorry for your loss. It truly is like losing a human member of your family.

[Bonnie]

I’m crying with you. It’s so hard to say goodbye to our beloved family members. I hope that the last few really good days together eases the pain and grief.

[grapelove]

I know the feeling having experienced same.
It's like losing your best friend.
Condolences

[Geoffrey James]

So sorry.
It's about to happen to us. Our two very old dogs are slowing up. I still take them for walks each day. One has extreme difficulty getting up our stairs. Arthritis was diagnosed. Medicine prescribed. So we're not taking any long trips, because we know it is near the end.
But I don't want them in extreme pain.
Just taking it day by day.

[Ana]

I need help! .Our French buldog had a herniated disk so he had a super complicated surgery. Over a year later, he hasn't gotten any better, even after many different types of treatment.

Hes not in great pain. But he lost the movement of his hind legs, therefore, he has fecal and urinary incontinence, which has been getting worse and worse...

Weve been changing his diapers since then, but even tough we change his diapers and wash his entire body as often as 4 to 7 times a day, he cries and screams out of pain in every sing diaper changing time...

His anal area is really inflammatory, even bleeding sometimes, since his been pooping more and more often. Weve changed his food already, gave him meds for intestinal issues but nothing really worked.

So we came to the conclusion that we must put him to sleep. HERES THE THING, THOUGH. HES ONLY 5 YEARS OLD...

It breaks our hearts... he is like our baby. He alternate sleeping in out bed cuddling with myself, my husband our my kids...

It just got to the point that we cant barely go out to work and live him alone anymore. If I leave him outside with no diapers on the results are beyond horrific. He poops all over the. Place steps on it and excel lies down on it... it's super sad...
On the other hand if we leave him with the diapers on for longer than 4 hours, it leaks all over the place as well..

It just hurts us so much that hes only 5 years old... but weve been trying to do our best for over a year... But now we fell that we must use the reason annd not out emotions anymore...

Please words of comfort...

Thanks so much.

[Brian Hines]

Ana, you've got a tough decision to make with a dog so young. All I can do is share some thoughts after reading what you wrote.

It sounds to me like you feel that putting him to sleep is the right thing to do. But your love for your bulldog is so strong, you're questioning that feeling -- which is completely understandable.

ZuZu, our dog that I wrote about in this post, wasn't very old when she was put to sleep. Six or seven, I believe. She was a rescue dog, so we never knew her exact age.

So I don't know if it matters a whole lot whether your dog is five or fifteen. What matters is how difficult it is for you and your family to care for your dog, given the incontinence. And also the distress that your dog is experiencing.

The fact that you can't leave him alone while you are at work seems important to me. That puts a big burden on you.

My thought is, trust yourself. If you know that putting your dog to sleep is the right thing to do, trust that knowing. If you want to wait a while before doing this, then trust that wanting. There's no absolute right or wrong here.

There's just a difficult decision. You won't feel completely good about any decision you make, given your love for the dog and your need to live your own life without constant stress.

I'll end by sharing something my 4th grade teacher said a lot, and I've remembered all these years. "Do your best. Angels can do no better." None of us is perfect. We just try to do our best.