If you like dark and twisted Christmas letters, and I sure do, you'll love this one that just came from one of my wife's friends. She has a great sense of humor. I changed the names to protect the innocent, aside from my wife's name, Laurel. A previous Christmas letter by the same person that's also darkly funny can be found here.
The Dreaded Christmas Newsletter
So who wants to be a millionaire? I will soon be one, but I think I must die first. My liquid assets amount to $27 in the bank, but my house is fast approaching the million-dollar range. It’s just a starter home in California that may go up in flames at any moment. If I go up in flames with it, at least life in heaven will be blissful and I will be able to buy whatever I want. Hopefully the kids will get me a comfortable urn.
Robert and Estelle pulled out of the housing game and escaped to Phoenix where the temperatures are hot but the housing market isn’t – yet. Phoenix is a strange place. People are nice. When you want to get on the freeway, you put on your turn signal, and they let you in!!! In the bay area, putting on your turn signal means “I’m not from here, please cut me off”. Robert and Estelle are now in their second decade of making wedding plans, so stay tuned…
Sara has decided that she would prefer to move on from pharmaceutical intake and get into pharmaceutical dispensing. At 28 she still has a whole life ahead of her and can always use more college degrees. Never wearing the same outfit twice, she lives in a stockpile of gently used and seldom hung clothing that she shares with her admirer, Waldo.
Skied twice this year with family, once in January and once on July 4th. My sister decked herself out in patriotic tinsel and bling which looked cool until she was strangled by the skilift. Fortunately, her husband knows CPR and administered it until everyone in line started shouting “C’mon get a room!”.
Then joined friends for a camping trip to Wyoming. The flood waters from the Snake River had receded enough for me to access my campsite where a 27-foot-long snake grudgingly moved aside so I could pitch my tent. I put up my tent and immediately broke the zipper on the door. Thoughts of my new friend nearby, meant nights of wide-eyed terror and I returned home a zombie.
I met up with my agely compatible friends from Wisconsin, who don’t live there, in Oregon. Laurel led us on walks in the rainforest that she has created. We carefully avoided trodding on beetles, slugs and chipmunks, eating wild berries and singing praises to the great Earth Goddess. A lovely time, but I came home with chilblains.
We are harboring a terrorist. She is lovely and open minded and has accompanied me on my daily routine usually involving a trip to the winery. She caused quite a sensation - not too many other women there wearing a hijab.
I went to Washington DC to play in a squash tournament this year. Everyone on my team was over 60 except for one youngster in her fifties. I prevailed by using 2 racquets, one to lean on and one to swing at the ball. One young girl was so appalled at playing decrepit old me that she immediately forfeited the match and went back to upping her GPA in hopes of a better life.
Snooky – our homeless dog is doing well. He has not bitten anyone for 163 days. Once we figured out that he only bites 10-year-old Asian girls with long hair, we posted a sign barring entry to such. This resulted in the immediate loss of all my piano students and a lawsuit by the ACLU. But Snooky is happy.
Fido thrives but is completely deaf. Thus, his singing career has taken a hit. He accompanies me around the yard as we water my drought-resistant plants he in his way and I in mine.
No political commentary this year. Well maybe one. My friends visiting from Cypress said they were amazed by how many people kept apologizing to them for our president. As did I. Only in America!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!