Today the realization came to me -- why every voting Oregonian should check "Yes" on Measure 91, the initiative to legalize recreational marijuana.
It was so clear, so evident, so marvelously apparent. Just six words, directed at the different slices of the political spectrum.
Imagine, liberals...Governor Dennis Richardson. Senator Monica Wehby.
Imagine, conservatives...Governor John Kitzhaber. Senator Jeff Merkley.
Depressing, right? If either comes to pass, about half of voters are going to be seriously upset for the next four to six years. You're going to need something to cheer you up.
Hey, no problem!
Because Oregonians had the smarts to pass Measure 91 in November. Not too long after, everybody who is bummed by how the election turned out will be able to find the marijuana strain they need in a local pot store.
Take a few imaginary puffs. Feel yourself relaxing. Enjoy the fantasy buzz.
Richardson, Kitzhaber, Wehby, Merkley -- they're all just people, man... send them some love... it'll be OK, no matter who runs the state and country... reality extends way beyond all this political bullshit... just BE.
Now, if you haven't tried marijuana, you might be thinking "Why can't I vote no on Measure 91 and continue to drink myself into oblivion when I'm depressed like I always do?" To which I reply:
Dude, picture yourself getting drunk without all of the nasty drunkenness parts.
You feel good, but aren't really physically impaired. No stumbling around. No throwing up. And psychologically, have you ever wondered why people talk about "happy drunks" and "angry drunks," but not happy stoners and angry stoners?
Because marijuana rarely makes people angry. Have you ever heard of a bar fight? How about a pot party fight?
So now I've made an unarguable case for both liberals and conservatives voting for Measure 91. Whichever side of the political spectrum an Oregon voter is on, there's a good chance he or she will be disappointed after the election.
Remembering But Measure 91 passed! will ease the pain. Trust me.
Those who are reluctant to feel better fast through a safe, effective, and essentially side-effect-free herbal "medication" should consider a few things.
First, how many substances do you ingest, because you want to feel better, which are a lot more harmful than marijuana? These could include alcohol, tobacco, plus both non-prescription and over-the-counter drugs.
I can't think of any reasonable reasons to not vote "yes" on Measure 91. Whether someone believes God created man in his own image, or evolution formed us through natural selection, the plain fact is that the human brain has receptors for THC.
God, evolution, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster all want you to feel happy no matter how the 2014 Oregon election turns out. Vote for Measure 91. You're going to feel good that you did.
Lastly... what if the only issue you care about on the November ballot is defeating that damn marijuana legalization effort, Measure 91, and it passes?! Then you're going to be REALLY depressed.
Dude, you're going to need some cheering up -- how about some Silver Super Haze?