Ah, I remember the days when Kelly Williams Brown was a reporter/columnist for the Statesman Journal newspaper here in Salem.
You've come a long ways, Kelly. By leaving Salem.
Brown's "Adulting" book is a huge hit. And her Daily Beast pieces are marvelous. Today's offering is "Your Super Bowl Etiquette Guide From Clothes to Food to What Not to Say."
Here's a few of the Q & A's.
Q: How many alcoholic beverages should one consume during the Super Bowl?
A: Just follow this handy formula:
(H+1) X (I-A)
Where H stands for the amount of drinks required for a noticeable hangover, plus one, times the difference between how you wish the game was going (I) and how it is actually going (A). If you are Jim Harbaugh, you may drink to blackout.
Q: I plan on consuming marijuana during the game because, as every single person on the planet has noted, this is the Weed Bowl. What are some stupid puns I don’t need to make?
A: All of them. There is no need to say things like, “Heh, THIS is a real super bowl!” while triumphantly holding a bong shaped like a dragon skull aloft. And while The Daily Beast cannot condone illegal drug consumption, and must ask you to rethink your choices … if you are hosting this sort of party, be sure to double all recipes.