Hines weight loss system: take a crap

Here's a can't-miss way to lose quite a bit of weight almost instantly. I'm sharing it with the world because I'd love it if this became known as the "Brian Hines Weight Loss System."

(Don't hesitate to reblog this post and share it on social networks. Just make sure that my name keeps on being prominently featured.)

I weigh myself every morning as soon as I get up, dutifully recording the result in my iPhone Weightbot app. I've noticed that my weight will mysteriously vary by a pound or two from day to day, even though I hadn't changed my eating and exercising habits.

Recently I conducted a scientific experiment to determine the relationship between having a bowel movement, a.k.a. taking a crap, and my weight before and after aforementioned B.M.

After entering our bathroom with the sports page and seating myself on the porcelain flushable laboratory apparatus, I was pleased to note that the experiment proceeded as planned. (I'll omit the details; and no photographs were taken, for which my blog visitors can be thankful.)

Note: I hadn't consumed any food or water after waking up and first weighing myself. Weight #1, pre-crap, was 182.6 pounds. Weight #2, post-crap, was 181.0 pounds.

Bingo! A 1.6 pound weight loss, almost effortlessly.

The Brian Hines Weight Loss System works! If you ever feel that you're really a pound or two less heavy than your scale says you are, try out my proven system for shedding pounds. 

For some reason science seems to be lagging in this important area of weight loss research. When I Googled "weight of bowel movement," I was surprised to see how few clearly relevant search results popped up.

Here's one discussion of the subject. This web page, sadly, took a frivolous approach to the serious question of bowel movement weight. Thankfully, some Iranian researchers have done solid work on daily stool weight, though annoyingly their results are shown in grams rather than all-American pounds. 

My recalculation of their gram'y results indicates that the average daily stool weight for their 1000 Iranian subjects was 12 ounces, with men coming in at 15 ounces.

So this tends to confirm the validity of my admittedly limited one-time research result of a 1.6 pound bowel movement-produced weight loss, as the researchers noted "The Iranian diet has a fairly high fiber content which can result in an increased mean daily stool weight." Being a vegetarian, I'm pretty damn fibrous.

Comments

[Wayne White]

So Brian...When someone tells me I'm Full of Crap I shouldn't be offended by the truth ?

[Bob Morris]

Thanks for sharing some tips. I will try it too, hope that it will be effective. I'm expecting more tips here. Keep it up!

[Mr. Ed]

Not to brag but I am proud, very proud, to report that I was 14 (fourteen) pounds lighter after my most recent bowel release today. My previous record was 12.73 lbs. set April 6, 2001 at 11:06 AM. So, this was a great moment (movement).