Oh, man, I want it so bad -- a role in the "Salemia" series that local filmmaker Michael Perron and his posse are planning to make as our city's answer to the Independent Film Channel's "Portlandia."
The Salemia notion started off as a Twitter craze, but is morphing into something more. What that turns out to be is limited only by Perron's wonderful creativity and sense of humor, which is on full display at his You Tube home.
As alluded to below, my top strategy for getting a part in Salemia isn't my acting ability, but my fawning ability. Along that line, check out some of my favorite Michael Perron videos: "Last Call," "Dog Business," and "Bird Identifyin'."
(Perron is a genius. It's a crime that many of his You Tube videos only have 50 or so views, while one of mine has over 21,500. I want to worship at his feet and learn how to make quality videos that are so artistic, they attract little attention.)
Yesterday a casting call went out for would-be Salemia actors. I urge you to get involved, but only if you aren't angling for the CRUSTY TRANSIENT (60s) role. That's me! Just look at the photo above. Doesn't it absolutely scream crusty transient? And I'm 62!
When I learned about the casting call, I rushed to whip out an email to Michael Perron, saying in part:
Here's why you need to cast me in "Salemia, the only-on-You-Tube movie, unless Salem Cinema gets a cameo role in it."
(1) My fawning blog posts about Salemia are top-ranked on a Google "#salemia" search right now. (Look quickly before Google changes its mind about the ranking.) You need me for publicity, because my Fawning Intensity will rise substantially if I have a part in the movie. See: http://bit.ly/i4Q9Ne
(2) I'm 62. It'd be age'ist if you don't have a Social Security recipient in the flick.
(3) I've got a Oregon-generic longish gray hair, short gray beard, fit-but-aging baby boomer, "bring back the '60s," look that often leads people to say, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" To which I reply, "Probably not, but you know guys who look a lot like me." Hence, you'd be getting a universal Platonic form, not just an individual person, if you cast me.
(4) I had a starring role in my Junior Class play in high school. I can dig out a clipping from a 1965 issue of the Woodlake, California weekly newspaper if you want proof.
(5) My dog and wife are available for crowd shots, just so long as they don't upstage me. Dog is a highly attractive Shepherd-Lab mix who oozes a charismatic Oregon vibe. Same with my wife, aside from the Shepherd-Lab mix part, and I'm not just saying that because this is Valentine's Day and I'm going to read this email to her after I finish writing it (though that could be one teeny-tiny reason).
(6) I've contributed quite a few Tweets to the #Salemia cause, some of which even have been understandable by people other than myself.
I look forward to hearing from you. If I don't get a call back, it's good to know that Oregon has an assisted suicide law, not to put any pressure on you. (However, I just watched your video where an endangered species bird is killed with a rock and eaten, so angling for compassion and empathy probably isn't a viable Please Cast Me approach.)
Well, I'll have to wait and see.
My daughter and her family live in Hollywood, so if I'm rejected for Salemia I'll be able to identify with the many depressed, addicted, alcoholic, without-hope actors down there.
Of course, this would only be my first casting call rejection, so probably I'll need to return to more Salemia auditions in order to cultivate a True Artistic Sensibility of fuck them all, they can't recognize real acting if it bit them in the ass.
And I can always watch, and re-watch, and re-re-watch, my own short subject that I starred in, wrote, and mostly filmed. It's genius. (Like you, Michael Perron.)