BP, here's a foolproof way to stop your oil spill

(Disclaimer regarding this blog post title: by "foolproof" I mean the dictionary definition of impervious to human incompetence. Given British Petroleum's past misdeeds involving the Gulf oil well disaster, they are arguably capable of superhuman incompetence.)

This morning, as I was sipping my first cup of coffee, my freshly caffeinated brain came up with one of those brilliant ideas that pass so frequently through my cranium -- and which, sadly, often (if not always) fail to receive the acclaim from others that they so obviously (to me) richly deserve.

I'd learned that BP was moving on to yet another attempted fix, after the "top kill" approach had failed, as had previous efforts to close off the flow of oil and gas from the deepwater well.

In a flash, an intuitive vision popped into my mind. It was so obvious! So clear! Why had all those BP engineers and scientists failed to see what I was contemplating?

Before I describe my genius solution, I should relate my qualifications for coming up with a foolproof oil spill-stopping plan that has eluded the highly trained and educated experts in the hire of BP.

After moving into my first post-college apartment, I made bookcases out of bricks and boards. That taught me a lot. I learned that heavy square things lie flat on a carpet, and that two squarish rectangular things fit together nicely.

Recently I've been honing my mechanical aptitude by playing Finger Physics regularly on my iPhone. I'm up to level 8. I've relearned my previous lesson: If you want to win by stacking geometric shapes in a stable fashion until they reach a line, squarish things fit well on top of each other.

So it's freaking obvious, BP.

All you need to do is make a big solid block of the heaviest thing in the world (since I missed taking chemistry in high school or college, I'll call this substance "Heavynarium" and let the not-so-whiz kids at BP fill in the details).

Then you lower it on a big strong chain from one of your ships, guiding it with your fancy robots, until it is directly over the oil leak. Release the chain, the Heavynarium sinks like the stone that it is, and bingo, problem solved.

(BP, contact me via my email address in a link above and I'll tell you where to send my check; since the spill is going to cost you well over a billion dollars, I'm thinking a 1% Genius Solution fee sounds about right. I think that's $10 million; assume you guys have a calculator to check my math.)

Now, I'm sure the technocrats who are wedded to complex solutions are going to nitpick my plan apart. They'll say, "But what about the five-story blowout preventer that's sitting over the well?"

No big deal.

The block of Heavynarium should crush it into almost nothing. However, I guess BP could push the blowout preventer out of the way with one of the Navy's largest submarines that's been equipped with a bulldozer blade on the front.

(Tip to BP: film the submarine ramming the blowout preventer, put the clip on You Tube with some heavy metal music accompaniment, and you'll be a long way toward getting back in the good graces of America's youth.)

Another likely objection from the boo-birds: what if oil keeps on leaking from around the edges of the Heavynarium block? Answer: put another block on top of the first one. All BP engineers need to do is play the first level of Finger Physics and they'll see how this is done.

Super-fast setting cement also could be used to plug edges. This was used by the guys who installed our new locking mailbox. BP, I can find out what they used and tell you after I get my $10 million.

Now, it's possible that I'm not the first person to come up with this brilliant solution. I consciously avoided Googling "put big heavy block over oil spill" until now -- since I didn't want my foolproof idea to be diluted with someone else's foolish alternative.

Wise decision. Because Google informs me that this guy has been hawking his big concrete block notion to stop the oil spill. Well, I spent a few seconds scrolling down his web page and wasn't impressed.

He's got diagrams and instructions for where to put the block on the blowout preventer and how it should be shaped. Way too complicated.

I say make the block square, out of Heavynarium, and dump the freaking thing right on top of the well after all the pipes and stuff are pushed out of the way by the bulldozer submarine.

(I am, though, willing to give the other guy $10,000 from my $10 million commission just to avoid any hurt feelings.)

Comments

[tucson]

I like your heavynarium idea, but actually BP's first idea was similar. They built this big heavy 4 story cement housing thing that was supposed to cover the well and contain the oil so it would rise through a pipe that they would insert through the top and collect the oil in ships. Well, it didn't work because ice crystals formed in the thing. OK, fine. Build another thing this time with heating coils in it so that ice crystals don't form.

I'll settle for $5 million and a lifetime supply of gasoline.

[Mort]

Ther are no big Navy big subs that will run to 5000 ft other than robotic. If not so anti military you might know that.

[Xiomara Miner]

Hey everyone listen to me the big concreat barge can be filled with hot asphalt inside ,that would prevent the ice crystals and the asphalt would harden with the cold water and the bottom would open to release the 20 tons of hot asphalt over the pipe.and keeping the barge over it with a release valve to open and close.10 million dollars to help my sick grandchild live a normal life.For me Gods grace for saving the environment that he created.And we messed up!

[Xiomara Miner]

Even though the pressure is so intense enough of the asphalt hardening over it will covers it.And oil floats,so it wont go out the sides.If not Blow up the ocean floor with one of our atomic weapons,it is acurate and will generate enough residue of rocks and sand debris to cover it.Good Luck!God help us.

[Dungeness]

On a more serious, dare I say heavy note, I was surfing Fox News to see what tripe was spewing from the Dark Side on the spill.
Sean Hannity's panel was exploring some innovative ideas for stopping the flow. An engineer with experience dealing with oil spills in the Middle East claimed hay works well in all currents and depths. Naturally he couldn't get an audience with BP though. Any theories why BP hasn't investigated hay...? Fear of headlines? difficult to transport in mass? cheaper, faster chemical alteratives? Too busy trying to get a patent on heavynarium?

[Hank Clements]

I can make a plug for that leaking well that can be put in with a robot. Need to know casing inside diameter,casing thickness,and gas and oil pressure at the well head.Then can start making this plug.

[sumin]

Planetresource.net has a Eco friendly solution to clean up the tragedy British Petroleum has created, please watch the video animation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60bdQQQ3iVw and pass this along to as many people as you know.

One person can still make a difference in this world, is that simple interactions have a rippling effect. Each time this gets pass along, the hope in cleaning our planet is passed on.

[Graham]

I too thought of the cork idea. There must be a few of us out there that are awesome...
The problem with BP's cement funnel is that they have full intention of keeping the hole open. If they completely block the hole, they can't get the oil. And then they will loose even more money. If they have to re-drill the hole, they need to start the entire project from scratch. Let's face it. They care more about their investors and kickbacks than they do about the environment.
These engineers are a full force of inflated ego r-tards... I mean seriously. The "Top Kill Method"??? Let's try and stop this mud like liquid from seeping out of this hole, by pumping the hole with mud? Oh crap...

The idea I submitted was called "The giant block of cement" method. Yes, the technical drawing I submitted along with the suggestion (or solution as I like to call it) was very simple. But so is the plan. I had the CGI image they used to explain the "Top Kill". I added a big grey box with the words "Giant Cement Block"

Here is the response I got from Horizon Support.

"Thank you for your submission to the Alternative Response Technology (ART) process for the Deepwater Horizon MC252 incident. Your submission has been reviewed for its technical merits.

It has been determined that your idea falls into one of the following ART categories: Already Considered/Planned, Not Feasible, or Not Possible, and therefore will not be advanced for further evaluation. To date, we have received over 80,000 submissions with each submission receiving individual consideration and priority based on merit and need.

BP and Horizon Deepwater Unified Command appreciate your contribution and interest in responding to this incident.

Michael J. Cortez
Technical Manager
Alternative Response Technology Team
Deepwater Horizon Call Center – Houston, TX"

[Graham]

In addition. As a reward (If my "Giant Cement Block" idea were used) I would like the 2-stroke engine banned... I would also like a clean planet.

[Karl Mantinger (Newtec innovation) Ora (BZ) Italy]

Dear Michael J. Cortez,

in 2010, I sent you my solution concerning Mexico. You told me a few weeks later (via email) that you got about 8000 ideas and that you are going to recheck them in order to choose one. What were your final decisions/conclusions concerning this whole thing? Please shoot me a quick message about the progress you made.

Kind regards and thanks.
Karl Mantinger