I win my own 2009 blog post awards!

This is why I love to blog. Winning awards is so much fun! Sure, I've awarded them to myself, but isn't this what blogging is all about, self-absorption?

Appropriately, I'll answer my own question. Yes, Brian, you're right. As always.

So after browsing through my 2009 blog creations, I declare the following winners. I've included excerpts from my prose to justify, if only to me, why these posts are champions.

Best Human-Related Question
"A rose cleavage tattoo: to stare or not to stare?"

Given a choice between being helped by a busty young thing with a rose tattoo showing in her cleavage, and -- gosh, just about anybody else -- you can guess where I'm more likely to take my return business.

Best Animal-Related Question
"Do dogs try to cover or spread their poop?"

When I told my wife that today's blog topic was dog poop, she said, "You're lucky that this is all you have to worry about." Since at the time she was vacuuming the kitchen floor while I was perched at the counter with my laptop, sipping a cup of coffee and using Google to delve into the depths of dog poop behavior, I have a feeling that her comment had an ironic quality to it.

Best Truest Truth About Salem
"Salem is a tourist draw? Only for bland lovers"

That said, I've no doubt that Travel Salem will be able to attract conventioneers to the area. Groups such as the Bland Lovers Association and People for the Abolition of Excitement will come here like moths drawn to gray. Also, the Watching Paint Dry discussion circle.

Best Urging That Happened, Thankfully
"Keep resorts out of the Metolius River basin"

This should be a no-brainer: preserving a uniquely special place in Oregon -- the Metolius River Basin recreation area -- that is threatened by two large destination resorts. But brains are in short supply among some who approve of this potential travesty.

Best Statement That Too Many People Disagree With
"I love taxes! They do so much good"

Today is tax day. I feel happy. Giving, like they say, is better than receiving. Well, at least equal. Each year, paying our taxes is the biggest gift that my wife and I offer to other people.

Best Premature Survivor Conclusion
"Coach -- the biggest jerk ever on Survivor"

I was so happy Coach (real name, Benjamin Wade) got voted off Survivor Tocantins this week. My wife and I have watched every episode of Survivor over the years. We've seen some real jerks, such as the infamous  Jonny Fairplay and Randy Bailey. But I've never screamed so often at the TV, Vote him off! Get rid of him! Don't trust him!

Best I'd Spoken Too Soon Survivor Conclusion
"Survivor Samoa champions incivility with Russell Hantz"

Regardless, deceit is part of the Survivor game. Every hard-core fan of the show knows this. And applauds it. I love watching a good liar. However, Russell Hantz elicited other feelings in me. Disgust. Irritation. Anger. And not just at Russell. At the producers of Survivor also. They're promoting the heck out of his evil'ness.

Best Grandfather Pride Post
"More granddaughter photos -- can't help it"

OK, I've hit the blog post trifecta: three consecutive days of Maui granddaughter photos. Each evening I sit down at my laptop and think, "Really should write about something significant." Then a voice inside my head screams, "What's more significant than an oh-so-cute two year old girl who is the one and only offspring of your one and only child?"

Best Naked Aging Hippie Photo
"Oregon Country Fair photos -- the '60s live on"

There's loads of attractive semi-nudity at the Oregon Country Fair. This couple simply was semi-nude.

Best Post My Wife Heartily Disagrees With
"A scooter will change your life! Here's why"

I'm approaching the one-month anniversary of getting a Suzuki Burgman 650 Executive scooter. I can predict pretty well how Burgie and I will celebrate: by going for a ride! As you can tell by the exclamation marks in this blog post title and first paragraph, I'm enjoying my new scootering life even more than I thought I would. Yes, I am!

Best "Who Knew Brian Was Like This?" Post
"I become a fearsome ground squirrel killer"

Hopefully the California ground squirrels who have been driving us nutty have an Internet connection and read my blog. Because if they do, they'll realize that this mild-mannered PETA-applauding animal-loving long-time vegetarian has been driven over the "aren't they cute?" edge into a kill the bastards! dark hole.

Best Creative Use of Philosophy
"Sartre, scootering, and sensuality"

I've been re-reading John Paul Sartre's "Being and Nothingness." And I ride a scooter. There's got to be a connection between existentialist philosophy and the joy I feel zipping around on two motorized wheels.

Best Evidence Of Ego Loss
"A real man will call a plumber"

When he arrived, after having told his scheduler that we had three other minor plumbing problems that needed fixing, the first words out of my mouth after "hello" were... "We've got some small jobs that shouldn't take you too long. I called you because my handyman skills are such, I can turn a small problem into a big one with amazing ease."

Best Proof That I Can Still Hang With Young Guys
"Beer frisbee as it's meant to be played"

I came to Beer Frisbee late in life -- two days ago, in fact -- but I've been ready for it since intense training during my California college days in the 1960's. Not by drinking beer, since this substance wasn't cannabis or a psychedelic. Hence...boring! But by spending countless Flower Power hours stoned on various substances and throwing frisbees with my brothers and sisters in altered consciousness.

Best Why Men Should Dance Post
"Ballroom dancing restores yin-yang balance"

Guys, if you need a reason to take ballroom dance lessons, here it is: the woman has to do what you want. You lead. The woman follows. End of story. Until you get off the dance floor. Then your relationship goes back to normal.

Best Movie Review
"Life lessons from Michael Jackson's This Is It"

Over on my other blog I opined that "This Is It" is a great movie. Also, a terrific philosophy. We're always waiting for It to arrive in the future, or wondering what happened to It in the past. Meanwhile, life -- It -- keeps yelling "Here I am! Here! Now!" in the present moment. But often we don't have ears to hear it. This is the main message that I got from the movie. Your results may differ. Side effects may vary.

Best Post Whose Question Should Be Answered With "A Lot!"
"How disappointed should progressives be about Obama?"

With Obama our president for the next four years, wouldn't we get the change that we'd be wanting for the past eight? The way things have turned out so far, mostly not. Nothing Obama has done to date excites me the way his campaign did.

Best Prediction That I Won't Be Able to Brag About If It Comes True
"Hope our Samsung nano-particle washer doesn't kill us"

Oh, she's beautiful. But there are reports she could be deadly. Still, we've brought this high-tech Samsung washer into our laundry room, along with her non-malevolent dryer sister.

Comments

[Jonathan Elliot]

Brilliant, Brian. Imma gonna use this idea in my blog next year if I remember. This will be a useful guide to your writings, which I already know I'm going to enjoy.

Tattoos in cleavage? Of course they're meant to be looked at. That's the whole reason the owner got it. I'd be very surprised if it was either tasteful or classy 'tho :/

[Blogger Brian]

Jonathan, to me "tasteful" and "classy" aren't qualities that I expect from a rose cleavage tattoo. Or any tattoo for that matter. A single string of pearls is tasteful and classy. Shouldn't tattoos be whatever a person wants them to be, as down and dirty as desired?

[Jon]

lollll When I told my wife that today's blog topic was dog poop, she said, "You're lucky that this is all you have to worry about." Since at the time she was vacuuming the kitchen floor while I was perched at the counter with my laptop, sipping a cup of coffee and using Google to delve into the depths of dog poop behavior, I have a feeling that her comment had an ironic quality to it.

https://pooprofit.com