Dear President Bush,
I've been reading about how you want Congress to bail out financial firms that made some wrong choices. This is wonderful news.
Because I assume you'll also be open to bailing me out of some stupid things I've done in my life. Next week you want Congress to fork over $700 billion or so of taxpayer dollars to "buy up toxic mortgage-related securities."
I'm pleased to inform you that for only a pittance more you can buy up some additional toxic monetary decisions. This would do a lot to get an important sector of the economy back on track.
Namely, the part centered on me – which, from my perspective, looks pretty damn crucial.
Since your $700 billion bailout plan is just three pages long, I don't like I need to provide much documentation for my own proposal.
The following should be sufficient. The IRS has my address. I'll be watching our mailbox for the Treasury check.
My wife may be sending in her own bailout request, so be sure to allow for this when you raise the nation's debt ceiling to $11.315 trillion. I'd think that $11.31500000000000001 trillion should be adequate.
Brian Hines' toxic monetary decision bailout request:
-- buying that Karmann Ghia back in the 70s. Looked cool but ran like shit. Cost me a lot of time and money to keep fixing it. $3,000
-- not finishing my Ph.D. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Could have earned much more over the years with it though. $200,000
-- highlighting first pages of books before I'd read much of them. That's kept me from selling many boring books at used book stores when the buyer saw my yellow marks. $75
-- failing to buy and hold Microsoft, Apple, and Google stock back when they were super cheap and just getting off the ground. $1,400,000
-- thinking that because a bag of dog treats said the cheese flavor had been taste-tested with many breeds, the family pet would like them. Turned out to be a total waste. $6
This is, of course, just a smattering of the stupid financial decisions I've made in my life. But I agree with Joe Biden that paying taxes is patriotic.
Since I'm not asking to be bailed out of so many wrong-headed monetary moves, thereby foregoing a substantial amount of Treasury income, this comes to the same thing as a patriotic tax increase.
Country first! That's my motto.
I look forward to finding this request included in a forthcoming legislative proposal. I don't consider it an earmark, but rather a sensible recognition that crucial sectors of our economy have to be insulated from the consequences of poor choices.
In this regard, I stand with Barack Obama (and likely a majority of the Democratic Congress that will need to approve your proposal). "Main Street" needs to be helped along with Wall Street.
Mainly, I'm interested in helping the address on our street where we live. Hope you agree.