The winds have died down. The rain has stopped. I've taken the chain saw out of my car, which I drove around with for the past three days, ready to cut my way through roads blocked by fallen trees.
Things are starting to get back to normal in the Northwest after the biggest Pacific storms in a decade roared through.
Here in south Salem we did fine. No power outages. No flooding. Just a bunch of fir branches blown loose by the 45-50 mph winds.
But elsewhere in Oregon and Washington havoc ruled. Many roads are closed, including the I-5 freeway between Portland and Seattle.
It's hard to see a silver lining in news stories that begin with:
A pair of storms that slammed into the Pacific Northwest had much of the region under water Tuesday, leaving five people dead, thousands without power and major highways shut down.
But I can identify at least one: maybe this will help convince people who are thinking of moving to Oregon that this state is a nasty place to live. It is! Really!
And I'm not saying this just because I recall with fondness Gov. Tom McCall's famous admonition, "Come visit us again and again. But for heaven's sake, don't come here to live."
He said that in 1971, the year I moved to Oregon. So it obviously didn't have the desired effect on me. Nor on so many others that now we need lots of Tom McCalls.
I'm hoping that these storms will do what McCall couldn't: keep people from moving here.
Heck, already I have to spend an increasingly disturbing number of minutes every week in Salem "rush hours" (which for a long time have been called "rush minutes," but threaten to become the real thing).
And, aspiring Oregonians, you need to know a few other things about this godforsaken state.
One of which is that it is indeed godforsaken, being the most unchurched state in the nation. Not surprisingly, Portland is believed to have more strip clubs per capita than any other U.S. city.
So if you want to tick God off (and trust me, that isn't a good idea; just look at the storms that hit the godless), go ahead and move here.
If you do, prepare to spend a lot of time smelling gasoline fumes. Because Oregon is one of two states that don't allow you to pump your own gas. You can self-serve your own suicide, however.
Bottom line: don't even think of coming to Oregon. North Dakota, check it out. They're just trying to scare you off with all that Badlands talk. I hear it's a terrific place to live.
Brian wrote: "Not surprisingly, Portland is believed to have more strip clubs per capita than any other U.S. city."
The area where I lived near Medford-Ashland had the distinction of having the highest per-capita drug arrest statistics in the country at that time. It seems Oregon is a den of iniquity, depending on your perspective, because for some people the availability of naked babes and dope is a good thing. I even remember when it was a good thing for me!
Many of the towns are pleasant places, but get out in the country and you run into some really nasty folks like tweeked out, heavily armed meth cookers and criminals of all sorts. I saw a rural area overtaken by a drug gang and good people driven out. Someone I knew was murdered. I heard others tell similar tales in my travels around the state.
Still, I could live there again. So much beautiful country and uncrowded in many places and no sales tax. Live in Vancouver Washington and pay no state income tax, drive across the bridge to Portland and pay no sales tax.
I'd be nervous about living near the Oregon coast. They're about due for a major earthquake along the pacific subduction zone around there. In fact, most of the Pacific coast is risky in that regard. But life is nothing if not risky, so live where you like and live 'til you die.
Posted by: Buddy Greed | December 08, 2007 at 07:50 PM
What i don't understand is that this guy was moving to the state of Oregon in 1971 according to him. All he said was bad thing about state of Oregon...well if you think "Oregon is a nasty place to live" Then shouldn't you move out of the state 38 years ago? Yet your enjoy living there at the same time trashing the state. Every where you live on earth there is mother nature you cant avoid that period. Just enjoy life after all we don't get to live 100.
Posted by: Dave | December 12, 2009 at 07:02 PM
I just got hired in Portland. I live in Minot, North Dakota right now. I'll be moving there in the next few months. The badlands are actually quite beautiful but there is absolutely nothing to do here.
Posted by: Keith | January 18, 2010 at 08:32 PM
I LOVE OREGON!
Posted by: Cora | November 07, 2010 at 08:32 PM
Oregon is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there... Oh wait - I do live there. Crap, I need to move!
Posted by: Jessie | April 08, 2011 at 06:52 AM
Wow, really a bad place to live huh? Well, I'll tell you what. Try Arizona if you want to really experience a truly nasty place. But on the bright side as soon as the house sells we'll be heading that way. Hey wait...why don't we trade, I mean if ya really don't like it there and I hate it here then it should be pretty easy to get done. I mean if your real tired of all that rain and stuff, come on down. I cannot remember the last time it rained here. Lets make a deal, c'mon.
Posted by: Michael Holzman | April 16, 2011 at 05:53 PM
Michael, no deal, even though today is one of a long string of rainy, 50 degree'ish days (temperature has been about ten degrees below normal here in the mid-Willamette Valley).
This blog post was my tongue-in-cheek effort to keep Oregon from becoming over-populated. Obviously it didn't convince you to stay in Arizona, which is great. Welcome (soon) to our great state.
You'll love it here. Just bring some rain gear. And some reading material to pass the time when you have to wait in your car for a guy to fill your tank (like I said in the post, self-service is an Oregon no-no).
Posted by: Blogger Brian | April 16, 2011 at 06:38 PM
You gotta love Tom McCall. I remember greeting cards on the 70's welcoming people from California to visit Nevada, Washington and Idaho.
I'm a native Oregonian, convinced my Montana hubby to stay.
Posted by: Debi Dana | March 07, 2014 at 05:15 PM
I'm a native Oregonian, and I'm really hoping people don't take your blog seriously! I'm very well traveled and I have yet to find such a gorgeous location as Oregon, and trust me I've tried! The Oregon coast lines are some of the most beautiful coastlines in the world, and if you're in the mood for mountainous or desert region we have those too in the Bend area. I live close to Bend, and besides the snow getting a bit irritating sometimes it looks like a post card everyday here. I used to live in Salem and it drove me nuts too! Whether you're joking or not it's my opinion that you're just living in the wrong area in Oregon!
Posted by: Rachel | December 05, 2014 at 05:47 AM
Where is it not beautiful? Natural places that is. Whether it be desert, mountain, jungle or shore. Oregon is beautiful. Nebraska is beautiful and Bangladesh if you look where humans haven't touched it. In some places in the world, even where humans have touched it. It's interesting though, how it is often more beautiful where we aren't than where we are.
Posted by: tucson | December 06, 2014 at 10:29 AM
We are in Arizona ( originally from NorCal) and we are planning a move to South Salem as soon as hubby finds a job! We are soooooo over this heat!! We just visited friends there a couple weeks ago and loved it! My grandma also used to live there. I read this and my heart dropped! Glad you were kidding!
Posted by: Jen Marsden | August 05, 2015 at 12:52 PM
Jen, we also live in south Salem -- rural south Salem, outside of the city limits. Welcome (almost) to town. You'll like Salem.
Yes, I was kidding. I wouldn't have lived in Oregon for 44 years if I didn't love this state.
Just be warned: on October 1 you'll be able to buy recreational marijuana here.. So now us Oregonians have to suffer through being able to get high on a wonderful herb totally legally.
Nightmare! (Which I hope I never wake up from.)
Posted by: Brian Hines | August 05, 2015 at 01:01 PM