Dear Secretary Chertoff:
Today I noted with considerable satisfaction that the Department of Homeland Security includes a petting zoo and popcorn factory in your list of potential U.S. terror targets. Great work.
I’m pleased that you’re thinking outside of the box when it comes to outsmarting the evildoers who wish to do us harm. What greater threat to the American way of life could there be than blowing a floppy-eared goat to smithereens, or striking a blow at our God-given right to chew noisily on overpriced snacks while watching a movie?
My only concern is whether you have overlooked any significant targets in Oregon, where I live. For example, my home office, which is occupied by me. It’s been reported that there are 840 Oregon targets. I tried unsuccessfully to find a list of them in your report, “Progress in Developing the National Asset Database.”
But then I slapped myself on the side of my head and said, “Duh, dude! Homeland Security isn’t going to publish a shopping list of U.S. terror targets. Then Al Qaeda would know exactly where all of our petting zoos and popcorn factories are.”
Sure am glad that you’re in charge of Homeland Security rather than me. Guess I haven’t learned how to get inside the heads of the terrorists yet.
I would, though, like to suggest that my office seems to be at greater risk of attack than many of the sites included in your database. If you’d be so kind to send a staffer out, I can show them what I mean.
My laptop is the nerve center for the HinesSight weblog, where I have fearlessly published images of the Muhammad cartoons, undoubtedly drawing the attention of crazed jihadists to myself.
Admittedly, I’m no Salman Rushdie. However, we can’t discount the possibility of a blog fatwa having been issued on HinesSight and my other anti-fundamentalist weblog, Church of the Churchless. And it’d make sense to attack my writings right at the source: me.
So I’m requesting some Homeland Security protection. Three operatives should do the trick, per this suggestion. Naturally they’d need to be by my side 24/7. I’m thinking that my wife could sleep downstairs with the dog so there’d be room in our bedroom for my security.
Speaking of dogs, I have a tremendous idea for your department. Homeland Security is stretched thin given all the threats we’re facing. There aren’t enough bodies—human or canine—to protect every petting zoo, popcorn factory, and anti-Islamic fundamentalism blogger in America.
Purebred trained German Shepherds are great for patrol duty when you can get them. But there are lots of mixed breeds who could pass for a German Shepherd. I have one of them. The main problem with enlisting these sorts of dogs to join the war on terror is their ears.
A Shepherd mix like our Serena usually is going to have droopy ears. A dead giveaway. Here’s how we get around it: implants! I’ve got a design in mind for an ear perker-upper that could be implanted with some minor surgery, then controlled with a radio device.
I hear a knock at the door. I peer through the peek hole. An Islamic terrorist is standing there, disguised as a UPS driver. I call for the dog, whip out my remote control, and form German Shepherd ears. Opening the door a crack, she sticks her head out. And the terrorist runs for his van.
Under separate cover I’m submitting my budget for the minor R&D that will be needed to make the ear perker-upper operational. I promise: we’ll get this done for under $20 million. Our vet is eager to start work. As are many of my relatives.
Oregon Terror Target