Real war is hell and not to be joked about. But the so-called War on Christmas is a joke, so it deserves to be laughed away.
If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him. Are you ready? All right. I'm your enemy. Make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality, and I will not rest until every year families gather to spend December 25th together at Osama's homo-abortion-pot-and-commie-jizzporium.
I’m with you, Jon. That sounds like a fun time.
Last year Jerry Falwell announced that “we are winning the Christmas war.” I don’t know who the “we” is. Nor do I know where the “war” is. I live in the nation’s most unchurched state, Oregon, and the only shots I’ve heard fired have come from the Christian side.
Methinks this war is a fantasy. As Washington Post columnist Ruth Marcus says, “What ‘War on Christmas’?” She went out searching for signs that the godless secular materialists are succeeding in banishing Christ from Christmas. Wasn’t happening. She found a lot of materialism, though. I wonder if Jesus would be happy having his name so associated.
Over at the Daily Kos, Hunter has a great satirical Dispatch From the War on Christmas. Except the scary thing is, quite a few fundamentalists wouldn’t see it as satire. Here’s an excerpt:
How long must we be persecuted? Christmas is about Peace on Earth and Goodwill Towards All, and how dare the pagan alliance of liberals, non-Christians, hippies and multinational corporations turn this into a damn war zone, where I have to look at every damn sign, and second-guess every greeting, and measure every Christmas tree to make sure that everyone understands that like we do.
This is OUR time of year, as Christians, to show the world what Christianity is, and that Peace on Earth and Goodwill Towards All isn't some hollow greeting card thing, but is the way we live our lives, and fuck them all if they can't see that. I, for one, will make sure that we understand about Peace On Earth if I have to hit every last damn greeter and fast food teenager and checkout person in America with a paper towel value pack.
I'll boycott them all, until every last one of them understands that I am here in the name of Our Lord and Savior to bring PEACE ON EARTH if I have to shove it down every last throat. Especially the damn pagans.
Laurel and I are already sick of Christmas (especially the damn music). However, we don’t have any interest in depriving Christians of their time of credit card joy. We just want to be left alone so we can celebrate the holidays in our own grinchlike fashion.
I’ve been buying presents like crazy. For myself. So has Laurel. That’s how I get into the Christmas spirit: indulging my selfishness. Yet eventually we’ll get around to making some charitable donations, barely squeezing them into the 2005 tax year like we always do.
But not even a dime is going into a Salvation Army kettle. The ubiquitous bellringers deeply irritate me. So far I’ve been merely muttering “No, happy holidays” under my breath when they greet me with a robust “Merry Christmas!” as I rush past them into a store, intent on buying another present for myself.
I think I’m going to start responding with a vocal “Happy Holidays!” from now on. Don’t want to disappoint O’Reilly, Falwell, and their like. As Media Matters shows, they’re eager to pump up the notion of a War on Christmas. Might as well give them what they’re asking for.
And here’s a tip for the Salvation Army: I’d be a lot more likely to put a few bucks into the kettle if you recruited a different sort of bell ringer.