Laurel and I are proud to report that we have committed to the Unitarian Jihad, whose first communiqué has been reported by the San Francisco Chronicle’s Jon Carroll. Here’s an excerpt:
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
From the communiqué it appears that all Unitarian Jihadists have special jihad names. This is cool, and a big reason why we were so eager to sign on. Given the evident disorganization of this organization (nobody seems to be in charge, another reason we’re attracted to the movement), I didn’t know how a name would be assigned to me.
Thankfully, a couple of web sites have sprung up that provide an instant Jihadist identification. On my first try I became Brother Rail Gun of Reasoned Discussion. Well, that was actually my second try on the first web site, because I wanted a Brother name and they initially gave me a Sister moniker.
Taking another stab on the other naming web site, I got Brother Peaceful Pointy Implement of Serenity. Oh, much better. I liked it a lot. But, carried away with Jihadist obedience, I dutifully forwarded my name to The Naming Committee, as requested. Damn! My first choice was rejected and I was given Brother Ax of Love.
Well, too bad. I’m sticking with Brother Peaceful Pointy Implement of Serenity. If the Unitarian Jihad Naming Committee has a problem with that they can send out some jihadist goons and try to change my mind with a group hug.