South Salem, Oregon. 11/28/04. 17:51 hours. Report by Col. B. Hines (no snickering if you read the name out loud—I had enough of that in high school gym class). Commanding officer, also sole soldier: Hinesland Anti-blackberry Special Forces.
Good progress has been made in freeing Hinesland from the invader who crossed our borders many years ago—Himalayan Blackberry. May Luther Burbank rot in his grave for unleashing this despicable vegetation upon our defenseless natives.
The values of Himalayan Blackberry are beneath contempt, as the above-referenced intelligence analysis describes: “It is capable of sexual and various types of asexual reproduction.” Various types, indeed! This aggressive pervert must be eliminated from our land.
Fortunately your commander is a gung ho killing machine. Hooyah!
Approximately two months ago the enemy was bombed with 8% Triclopyr, triethylamine salt, a.k.a. Ortho Brush-b-Gon. Since we do not stoop to the heartless tactics of the Himalayan Blackberry, the more powerful Crossbow weapon was not used to avoid collateral damage to the environment. After 4-6 weeks, many insurgent deaths were observed, with others mortally wounded.
This weekend Col. Hines ordered his forces, namely himself, to launch the beginning of a clean-up operation that would crush the dead-enders and the half-alivers. Over the winter they will rot in the ground that they once ruled, a fitting end. Numerous hostages already have been freed, including this family that was grateful to finally be able to stand up straight after leaving its blackberry confines.
The enemy has been beaten back yet still is firmly rooted in its remaining sanctuaries, as this surveillance photo shows. We will stay the course. Fighting for freedom is hard work. Real hard work. We will not rest until every last offshoot of the Himalayan Blackberry evil-doers has been brought to justice.
God bless Hinesland and our troops. Or rather, troop.