Is Paris Hilton hot and heavy with Plotinus?

Not likely, since Plotinus is a long-dead 3rd century Greek philosopher and Paris Hilton is, well, Paris Hilton. But Google has taught me that it is weblog postings with subjects like this that lead to popularity in the blogosphere.

Not that I have a huge desire for HinesSight to have lots of readers, of course. If I did, I’d write about my relationship with Paris Hilton (see “Family” category) more than the two times I have. For my daily perusal of TypePad Visitor Stats has led me to a not very astounding conclusion: Internet users are a lot more interested in sex and politics than in philosophy and spirituality.

Ever since I wrote about my Hilton family genealogy and the fact that Paris and I are second cousins, I’ve observed on my TypePad statistics that Google/Yahoo “paris hilton relatives” and similar searches lead Paris acolytes to my weblog with wonderful regularity. However, I am quite sure that they do not stay around to peruse my profound and eloquent musings on so many other subjects, such as Plotinus.

Thus, I need to find a way to somehow associate Paris Hilton and Plotinus in a fashion that is both true and transparent (Plotinus would not want it any other way). I would feel bad luring people to my weblog with a provocative mention of Paris’ philosophical tastes—though admittedly I may be doing just that in this posting—which is not founded in rock-solid Hiltonesque reality.

So if a Paris Hilton publicist happens across this writing in a “what are people saying about Paris?” Internet search, here’s my pitch: Imagine Paris and Nicole sitting down with a Hilton relative at his home in rural south Salem to discuss his book about Greek philosophy. Great stuff. Much better than most of what was shown on “The Simple Life.” Like Paris, we’ve got an absolutely charming dog (see “Serena” category) and my wife has long blonde hair, so there are some connections we can build on.

Her person could call my person. Except, I’m my own person. So you can email me and we’ll take a lunch. Private jets are most welcome at the Salem airport. We can hang at the Coffee House café and do some organic chai.

If this plan doesn’t pan out, I’ll have to go the politics route. A few days after I wrote a posting called Hilarious “This Land” Bush/Kerry download, I was thrilled to log onto TypePad and find that thousands of visits were being made to HinesSight. The peak was 1,900 on one day, I think, and visits stayed over 1,000 for the rest of the week. (Without divulging my baseline popularity, let's just say that this was an above-average week--to put it mildly).

The first time I saw this action on the TypePad stats page, for a nano-second I said to myself, “Yes! Plotinus has finally hit the big time! People all over the world are flocking to learn more about mystic Greek philosophy!” But after that nano-second I saw that virtually every referrer was from a search engine query for “bush kerry this land,” or such. Somehow Google and Yahoo had plopped me near the top of their search results. Go figure. The power of weblogs, I guess.

I’m pleased that HinesSight has been able to guide quite a few people in the direction of the wonderful Jib-Jab “This Land” animation. It is both hugely entertaining and right on politically. Throughout the Democratic convention I couldn’t help but think of the “and I’ve got three Purple Hearts” line every time (and it was often) mention of Kerry’s war hero-ness came up.

I also thought: Hmmmm. When did the Vietnam War become such a great memory for liberals? All I remember in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s were protests against the war. Bring the troops home! Watching the convention, I could almost believe that Vietnam was a high point for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Democratic operatives are as good at spinning history as Republican operatives. They just spin to the left rather than to the right.

Comments

[Isaac Laquedem]

The connection between Paris Hilton and Plotinus is clear! Consider: "Paris" and "Plotinus" begin and end with the same letter. The last five letters of "Hilton" are in "Plotinus" (the "H" is no doubt missing only because Greek had no letter "H"). The only letter in "Plotinus" that's not in "Paris Hilton" is "u", but Miss Hilton is so clearly U (in the Jessica Mitford sense) that we can deem her to possess that letter.

Finally, Plotinus was a philosopher at a time when philosophy was perhaps the highest way to occupy one's mind: to use the mind to attain deep insights, resulting in the philosopher exclaiming, "I see!" Which in Latin is "video!" It is only a small stretch to imagine Plotinus in the street today, and exclaiming one word as he catches sight of Paris Hilton: "Video!"

[Isaac Laquedem]

And if a comment ending with "Paris Hilton Video!" doesn't make Google grovel at your feet, I don't know what will.

[Brian]

Isaac, your profound linguistic analyses remind me of the DaVinci Code. You might consider expanding the comment above into a full-length novel. Just mention "Return to the One, by Brian Hines" a few times in the narrative, please.

Also, you will be happy to know that Google has indeed rewarded me by putting my Paris Hilton and Plotinus post on page 3 of the "Plotinus" search results. I also am #1 in the undoubtedly hugely popular search term "Paris Hilton and Plotinus."

Haven't gotten a call yet from Paris' publicist, but I expect it any day now. What should I wear during the filming of the "My Simple Life" episode? Such questions occupy much of my mind now.

[Isaac Laquedem]

As I was ordering a copy of "Return to the One" today it occurred to me that the one-word utterance of Plotinus on seeing Paris Hilton -- as she probably doesn't speak Greek or Latin, and to Paris Hilton a naked "Video!", the ejaculation of a passing stranger, would perhaps be unsettling.