Remember, you heard it first here, on HinesSight: Global warming is a big lie, probably propagated by the radical enviro-liberal-feminist-socialist cabal that controls everything through their secret meetings in a cavern deep underneath the offices of the New York Times, their unacknowledged, but oh-so-obvious mouthpiece.
How did Laurel and I figure out the truth about this conspiracy aimed at shutting down the red, white, and blue lifeblood that keeps the American economy humming, all those fuel-sucking SUVs, coal-fired power plants, and noisy polluting snowmobiles? Simple, we did some basic research. And the Big Lie stared us in the face. Checking the outside thermometer at noon today at our cabin in Camp Sherman, it read…44 degrees, on April 26.
Then, the clincher came when we took our half-frozen bodies into Sisters to warm up (if that sounds a bit kinky to out-of-staters, be assured that Sisters is a town about fifteen miles from Camp Sherman). Shopping away in a blessedly well-heated women’s clothing store, following two steps behind Laurel in my usual subservient husband’s shuffle, muttering transparently clichéd supportive comments (“that’s a nice color,” “you should try that on”), and counting the minutes until I could make a break to the Paulina Springs Bookstore, the proprietor suddenly yelled, “All customers out into the parking lot! We’re going to make a snowman!”
Well, not quite. It was more hail than snow. But it was damn cold hail, what with the strong wind blowing through the 40-odd degree air. I was thankful that I had stifled my desire to pack shorts for our mid-Spring outing to sunny central Oregon. Subtle hints that the weather might not as perfect as I had planned came yesterday as we passed by the Santiam Junction and Hoodoo ski area in a real honest to God snowstorm.
The cabal is probably working overtime trying to explain away this chink in the global-warming-is-really-happening armor. I’m sure the New York Times will conjure up some sort of fake statistics in an op-ed piece to keep the Big Lie going. But Laurel and I know better. We spent a day in late April brushing hail out of our hair.
[Tongue-in-cheek note: Global warming is real. Please read "Global warming: the big truth" in case you took this post at all seriously. Then go buy a hybrid car, if you don't have one already.]