[Update: I've observed that some people find this post via a "coyote control" Google search. What you'll read below is , obviously, a tongue-in-cheek approach to coyote control. If you want to know the truth about coyote control, take a look at some other posts I've written on the subject of controlling predators: "Is killing cougars a wildlife service?" and "Coyote debates."]
I've heard from a fellow Spring Lake Estates resident who has got his shotgun facing in the right direction when it comes to controlling the coyotes around here. It's refreshing to find someone who cuts through the B.S. and offers some final solutions. Here's what he had to say:
"On the coyote issue, I've run a series of fairly sensitive (10 lb trip force) landmines down the sides of the driveway, as I suspect that's where the coyotes think they have some kind of goddamn right of way around here. The animals are safe behind the fence and cars are safe so long as they stay on the asphalt. I've mentioned it in passing to the neighbors, so they're safe too. I know we're all on the same page on this issue. Death Before Dishonor and all that.
The mines have a limited blast radius, just enough to stun them by blowing their feet clean off. That way you get the satisfaction of going out there and finishing them off by hand. I save the heads, as I'm planning on capping my fenceposts with them as a warning to the rest of the interloping little bastards. I'll go after the deer, bunnies, and squirrels once I've eliminated all the coyotes. I'm going to form the Spring Lake Eradication and Rehabilitation Patrol!"
Well, I don't quite see where rehabilitation fits in, but otherwise I like the Simple Bold Grandiosity of this scheme. If an animal bothers a human, blast it into oblivion. Some of our other neighbors have been thinking so small. Ratcheting up the firepower by using landmines is a stroke of genius. But why stop there? I look forward to the next evolution in the Spring Lake Eradication Patrol's animal extinction plans. Neal Pollack speaks approvingly of nuclear bunker-busting and neutron bombs. Something to consider, if we can get them on Ebay. We've been trying to get rid of moles in our yard, without much success. Well, let's see how they like a tactical nuke up their sorry mole ass. Power to the People! Death to the Animals!