Church of the Churchless

Buddhist humor about happiness

Just subscribed to Buddhist Humor 2.0 on Facebook after seeing this image in my feed. Wish happiness were this simple. But maybe it is.

My icy driveway experiment: what slides furthest?

Following up on my previous post where I spoke about the freezing rain that coated my area of Oregon with a sheet of ice yesterday, I'm pleased to present the video results of an experiment I conducted today on our very icy driveway in rural south Salem.

My quest was to determine what would slide furthest: a shoe, a banana, or a stuffed wolf? After the experiment, I then attempted to rescue the wolf from the middle of the driveway, which didn't go so well, as shown in the video. Nonetheless, I await my senior citizen scientist award.

Scientology gets much-deserved ridicule in South Park episode

There's so much competition for The World's Craziest Religion, it's impossible to pick a clear winner. But Scientology has to be somewhere near the top of Mt. Crazy.

I say this even though I don't know very much about Scientology.

Well, until today. For after watching a South Park episode that was on one of the televisions in the aerobics room of my athletic club where I exercised this afternoon, I feel like I do know a lot about Scientology.

You can too, if you watch the 22-minute episode. Wikipedia has a summary of the plot of "Trapped in the Closet" if you're more into reading. And below I'll share some You Tube clips from the episode. 

South Park is wonderfully irreverent. Not just about religion. About everything. It's an animated series that appealed to adults. I've never laughed harder than at some South Park episodes. 

In the Scientology episode, Stan gets exposed to what Scientologists actually believe. Again, this sounds really, really crazy. However, every religion, pretty much, is equally crazy, just in different ways. Here's the clip:

Through a series of events, Stan is considered by Scientology leaders to be the reincarnation of L. Ron. Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. Trotted out to reveal Stan's fresh revelations, which are supposed to earn him and a Scientology leader $3 million, Stan goes rogue and tells the truth in this clip.

Proving that crazy religions don't have a sense of humor, the Church of Scientology targeted South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone by investigating them with the goal of finding embarrassing stuff that they'd done. 

Obviously Scientology didn't realize that the twisted minds who came up with South Park wouldn't be at all easily embarrassed. Apparently the investigation fell flat. 

I've only watched about half of this video. It was made by a guy who was a Scientology member for many years. He shares clips from the South Park episode, adding in his commentary on what was right-on about Scientology, and where South Park took some liberties with Scientology dogma in the name of comedy.

How to reply to 14 crazy things religious believers say

Since it's July 4, Independence Day, here in the United States, I thought I'd mark the occasion by composing 14 replies to some crazy stuff religious believers might say. This is in line with my commitment to spiritual independence. And also because, as I said in a post on my HinesSight blog, I'm not feeling good about our political independence these days.

Enjoy...

If someone says, God must exist eternally, because the cosmos couldn't create itself, reply: If nothing created an eternal God, then nothing could have created an eternal cosmos, the difference being that the cosmos clearly is real, and there's no demonstrable evidence of God.

If someone says, Consciousness is immaterial, unrelated to the physical brain, reply: Then if I hit you over the head with this baseball bat, really hard, you'll still be normally conscious. I'm ready to try this experiment after you sign a form releasing me of all liability. Are you up for this?

If someone says, I have complete faith in life after death being better than this life, reply: Then why haven't you committed suicide yet?

If someone says, Atheists are immoral because only God and His messengers know the difference between right and wrong, reply: I double-dare you to tell this to the Dalai Lama, face-to-face, since Buddhism doesn't believe in God.

If someone says, I've had a personal experience of God, reply: And I've had a personal experience of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, so I win, 3 to 1!

If someone says, God has given humans dominion over all creatures great and small, reply: Excellent! Don't you have a dog and cat? I've been having a craving for a canine/feline stew, so crate them up and I won't have to shop for dinner.

If someone says, Anyone who rejects God is doomed to hell, reply: I'm sorry to hear of your impending horrific afterlife. Since there are thousands of different gods, you've rejected all but your single chosen god, so all those other gods are going to be super-pissed at you.

If someone says, My guru is God in Human Form and he deserves my selfless service, reply: What a coincidence! I'm also God in Human Form and have a lot of household chores that need doing. Here's my address. Look forward to seeing you soon. 

If someone says, God is real because I feel blissful when I think of Him, reply: It sounds just like how I feel whenever I think of Trump being convicted of a conspiracy to defraud Congress by plotting the January 6 insurrection, and thereby prevented from ever holding public office again.

If someone says, Words are powerless to describe the Almighty Lord, reply: Then why don't you shut the fuck up.

If someone says, Science is a pitifully poor way to know reality compared to mystical wisdom, reply: I look forward to getting your smartphone, computer, car, television, microwave, and all the other devices you own that are founded on modern science, since you're so dismissive of scientific knowledge. 

If someone says, Atheism is a belief system just as much as religions are, reply: Guess you also consider that people who have no interest in golf are believers in not-playing-golf, even though they never think about golf except when someone asks why they don't play that game. 

If someone says, There are no atheists in foxholes, reply: How do you know? Can you speak the language of foxes?

If someone says, Near-death experiences prove there's life after death, reply: Do you understand the difference between "near-death" and "death"?

Secret of happiness revealed by Pearls Before Swine

Time to stop searching for the secret of happiness. A week ago, it was revealed in a comic strip.

Wacky religious news: Islamic sex cult and baptism gone wrong

My wife, Laurel, a proud atheist, enjoys finding stories about the bizarre side of religions (assuming there is anything other than bizarre in religiosity).

Recently she came across the tale of Adnan Oktar, a Turkish sex cult leader. 

In the end, it was not the British deep state, Darwinists, Jews, Freemasons or any of the sinister cabals that Adnan Oktar long railed against that defeated him. It was the Turkish judiciary.

On Monday, the notorious 64-year-old preacher, often referred to in salacious headlines as a "sex cult leader," was sentenced to 1,075 years in jail for crimes including sexual assault, sexual abuse of minors, fraud, and attempted political and military espionage.

It marks the end of a long and bizarre career for the preacher, television host, author and filmmaker.

Beginning his career in the 80s as a firebrand orator, railing against Jews, Freemasons and Charles Darwin, he later became (in)famous for his shows on Turkish TV, in which he would discuss Islamic principles while scantily clad women with bleached blonde hair danced around him to popular music. These women Oktar referred to as his "kittens".

Oktar did have some very attractive devotees.

Naturally I couldn't resist looking on You Tube for videos of the "kittens" dancing around Oktar on Turkish TV. Found one!

Another religious story I read about in our local newspaper was much less salacious, but equally weird in its own way. Who knew that a Catholic baptism would be invalid if the priest got one word wrong?

Damn, now I'm worried that my own ticket to heaven (admittedly, a heaven I don't believe in) is in danger, since I was baptized as a baby Catholic. 

When is a baptism not a baptism?

When the cleric presiding at the ceremony alters the ritual language in such a fundamental way that it undercuts its meaning, according to the Vatican.

And even the altering of a single, crucial pronoun can render a baptism invalid, it says.

A Roman Catholic priest, the Rev. Andres Arango, resigned Feb. 1 as pastor of his parish in Phoenix, after acknowledging he had been using the incorrect baptismal formula during more than two decades of priestly ministry in Arizona, California and Brazil.

Arango used the formula, “We baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit," instead of the prescribed singular pronoun: “I baptize you ...”

Theologically, that makes all the difference, the Vatican ruled in 2020, because it's not the “we” of the congregation doing the baptizing, but rather the “I” of Jesus Christ, working through the priest.

Now the Diocese of Phoenix is putting out a call to anyone who underwent the ritual under Arango to receive “valid” baptisms — and potentially other rites of initiation. The diocese estimates that thousands were affected.

Baptism is the basic rite of initiation into the Christian faith. In Catholic theology, baptism is considered a sacrament — a visible rite conveying spiritual grace — and is “necessary for salvation,” according to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. “The church does not know of any means other than baptism that assures entry into eternal beatitude” — that is, heaven.

For a sacrament to be valid, it has to be presided over correctly, the church teaches.

“Baptism for us is for salvation, so it’s a big deal. We need to make sure to make it right,” said Jay Conzemius, moderator of the Diocese of Pittsburgh’s tribunal and past president of the Canon Law Society of America.

History of Religion cartoon

Pretty much sums it up.

QAnon and religion are both mass delusions

The Real Time With Bill Maher show always ends with a feature called New Rules. Most of the rules are brief and humorous, while the last takes longer to explain and is more serious, though still funny in a different way.

I just finished watching our recording of the February 5 episode. 

Maher's closing New Rule was a right-on discussion of how the craziness of QAnon relates to religious belief. Probably you're familiar with this cult, but if you aren't, a BBC story describes what QAnon is about.

At its heart, QAnon is a wide-ranging, completely unfounded theory that says that President Trump is waging a secret war against elite Satan-worshipping paedophiles in government, business and the media.

QAnon believers have speculated that this fight will lead to a day of reckoning where prominent people such as former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will be arrested and executed.

That's the basic story, but there are so many offshoots, detours and internal debates that the total list of QAnon claims is enormous - and often contradictory. Adherents draw in news events, historical facts and numerology to develop their own far-fetched conclusions.

Here's a five and a half minute video of what Maher had to say. It's both entertaining and persuasive. Once someone believes in one thing without evidence (like religion), it is easy to transfer that gullibility to another thing that lacks evidence (like QAnon). 

The You Tube video description says:

It's fun to laugh at QAnon, but if you accord religious faith the kind of exalted respect we do here in America, you’ve already lost the argument that mass delusion is bad.

Enjoy.

I got a transcript of a call to the Spiritual Surrender support line

Thanks for calling the Spiritual Surrender support line. How may I help you today?

Well, I've heard a lot about the benefit of surrendering to a higher power. Isn't that how some addicts get off drugs and alcohol? I think it is. Anyway, i've got quite a few problems -- who doesn't these days -- and I'm wondering if some sort of spiritual surrender is right for me.

Excellent. You've come to the right place. We specialize in helping people like you. Let's start with me asking you a few questions.

No problem.

OK. Do you have an idea of who, or what, you'd like to surrender to? 

I'm open to suggestions. Some possibilities I've been toying with are God, or maybe a guru. I like the idea of letting some higher power handle my problems instead of me having to deal with them on my own.

Fine. Do you believe in God? More specifically, are you sure that God exists? And if so, that God is willing and able to take on your problems?

I sort of believe in God. I mean, I was raised to believe in God, but I've got to admit that there's no proof God is real. I just hope this is true.

A lot of people who call us say the same thing, so you're in good company. However, I need to ask if you would feel comfortable handing your problems over to a being who might not be real. Wouldn't this lessen your confidence in undertaking a spiritual surrender?

I guess so, now that you mention it. But what if I felt better turning my problems over to a higher power, like God, whether or not that power actually existed? Sure seems like this would be better than the anxiety I'm feeling now, being unsure what to do a lot of the time.

You make some good points. Consider this, though. We want to make sure that you get the best spiritual surrender that meets your needs at the lowest possible cost, ideally for free. So if you're good with turning your problems over to a God who may not exist, aren't you really content with turning your problems over to yourself, to a part of your own mind?

Hmmmm. I need to think about that. Give me a few moments... [pause] Yes, I guess you're right. What I want is the relaxed feeling of not having to worry about my problems so much. How that happens doesn't really matter to me. I just want to lessen my worrying.

Great. We're making progress. I'm getting a better understanding of your situation. Now, you mentioned the possibility of surrendering to a guru. Tell me more about this notion.

I have a couple of friends who follow a guru. They got a secret mantra to repeat that's supposed to connect them with the inner guru. Then, they tell me, the inner guru guides them when they have a problem in their life. That sounds cool to me.

It does indeed. But how can they, or you, be sure that the guru is really doing the guiding? Isn't this just like you not being sure that God exists, yet you hope this is true? If you turned your problems over to a guru, what makes you think the guru actually is capable of handling your problems?

Well, I couldn't be sure about that. I just would feel better if I turned my problems over to a guru whether or not... Wait, I'm repeating myself. That's what I just said about God -- that it doesn't matter if a higher power is real, so long as I worry less by surrendering to it.

Exactly. What you say you want is to not worry so much about your problems. Maybe, just maybe, your best approach would be to simply... do you see what I'm getting at here?

To simply not worry so much about my problems, right?

Right. Something to consider, at least. Let's leave things like this. Give us a call back if you still have questions about spiritually surrendering. From what you've told me, I think your best bet is to surrender to yourself -- hand your problems over to a part of you that will say, "No need to worry; just deal with your problems without worrying about them."

Thanks. You've helped a lot. I have a feeling this will be my first and last call to you.

Comic strip wisdom about combatting stupidity

Here's some excellent advice from the Pearls Before Swine comic strip.

Magic fairies, like God, don't exist. But we do.

Comic strips can say a lot in just a few words and pictures. Here's one in yesterday's Sunday paper that I like a lot.

Wouldn't it be great if everybody worked to make the world a better place without resorting to supplications to imaginary beings like gods and fairies? 

(Of course, John Lennon wrote a song along that line.)

Greatest comment about the RSSB guru ever. Behold!

l am awestruck. I bow down before the glory. I marvel at every inspired word. No, I'm not talking about God or a holy book. I'm extolling a comment "j" left today on a recent blog post.

Here it is. (UPDATE: it seemed obvious that this comment is fictional, but in case anyone thinks it is real, it was made up -- though there is considerable truth in the fictional exchange.)

The guru being referred to is the leader of Radha Soami Satsang Beas (RSSB), a religious organization based in India that I belonged to for 35 years until I deconverted. The comment is absolutely right-on as regards some of the contradictions and absurdities in the RSSB teachings.

It should appeal to anyone, though naturally it will resonate most with those who are familiar with those teachings.

If you aren't, know that shabd refers to a supposed divine power/energy that manifests as sound and light -- a sort of universal mystical consciousness. Charan Singh was the RSSB guru prior to the current guru, Gurinder Singh Dhillon.

Questioner: Are you saying you have actual powers that make you the most evolved spiritual person in the world? And that only you can guide me to the True God?

RSSB Guru: No, the real guru is the shabd.

Questioner: Then who are you? What is your role?

RSSB Guru: I am merely doing the work that my guru dumped on me.

Questioner: I feel that your answer begs the question. Do you have actual powers of a guru or not?

RSSB Guru: Everyone who wants to find God needs a Spiritual Master to guide them on the Path.

Questioner: Okay, well, are you saying you're such a Spiritual Master?

RSSB Guru: The real spiritual master is the shabd. People who wish to find God need to take initiation from a competent Spiritual Master.

Questioner: So you're saying that if I take this initiation from you, you'll guide me on the inner planes and back to God?

RSSB Guru: Not necessarily. First of all, only marked souls are eligible for initiation. If you're not a marked soul whose karma it is to be initiated, I can not accept you.

Questioner: You're saying you have the spiritual powers to determine who is favored by God to return to God?

RSSB Guru: I do not say that. It is everyone's karma as to whether they are fit to be initiated. Karma is everything.

Questioner: Let me try another question. Are you saying that initiation by you is necessary to return to God?

RSSB Guru: RSSB teaches that all religions teach the very same spiritual truths. I am claiming nothing special. In fact, you'll see spiritual quotes on the RSSB website from Mother Teresa and Iggy Pop. And notice the statue of the Buddha right behind me. We are merely a philosophical organization, not a religion.

Questioner: I see. Then which sant mat guru today is your spiritual equal? Rajinder Singh perhaps?

RSSB Guru: Please do not ask me to give my opinion on any mystics or their teachings.

Questioner: Huh? I thought you just said that all religions are the same, and that "karma" (our efforts) are everything in the journey back to God.

RSSB Guru: No, the teachings of Sant Mat require that one be initiated by a genuine guru.

Questioner: OK then, who is a genuine guru? Can you name one?

RSSB Guru: Yes, Charan Singh ji Maharaj.

Questioner: OK fine. But can you name any genuine gurus outside of your own line of spiritual masters?

RSSB Guru: All saints and mystics teach the same spiritual truths.

Questioner: Fine, then just name one who you'd certify as being as authentic as yourself.

RSSB Guru: You see, we must all make our own spiritual search to choose an authentic guru.

Questioner: But doesn't the RSSB website strongly imply that you are one of these authentic gurus?

RSSB Guru: I am merely the leader of the RSSB organization, and it is not a role of my own choosing. RSSB is a philosophical organization, not a religion. I make no claims for myself.

Questioner: But by accepting the role of Perfect Master, aren't you implicitly making the public claim that you indeed are a Perfect Master?

RSSB Guru: You see, the real Master is the shabd.

Questioner: OK. How about teaching me this technique of getting the shabd?

RSSB Guru: Oh, I could teach the mere technique, but real contact with the shabd requires initiation from a Perfect Master, otherwise the special mantras will have no power whatsoever.

Questioner: Alright, fine, I'll take this initiation then. Will you initiate me now?

RSSB Guru: Now (much laughter). No, you need to get sponsored by an RSSB member and follow 3 vows for a year. Then, maybe I'll initiate you once the paperwork is complete. Bear in mind that once you receive initiation you must accept me as your spiritual master -- a "Godman" in fact -- for the rest of your life.

Questioner: Excuse me reverend sir, but I don't think so.

RSSB Guru: Too bad for you then. There is no other way back to God.

Questioner: But I thought you just said? Nevermind.

Gurinder Singh Dhillon, current RSSB guru

I urge that Santa Claus be impeached

If you think I'm tough on religious leaders, check out what I wrote about Santa Claus in my HinesSight blog post, "Santa Claus must be impeached." 

I credit my wife, Laurel, with coming up with the concept for our 2019 Christmas letter. Then I researched the grounds for impeachment and came up with four excellent reasons.

There are more, of course. For example, I deeply doubt that Santa Claus is abiding by minimum wage and workplace safety laws in his present-making workshop staffed by elves.

Dilbert on circular debating skills

I think the guy in the green shirt honed his circular debating skills by being a religious person who comments on my blog posts.

"Gurinder Singh Dhillon" search results feature...me!

Today Sonya, a regular commenter on this blog, noted that the "scary," "evil" photo of Gurinder Singh Dhillon, the guru of Radha Soami Satsang Beas, actually is an official photograph that can be downloaded from the RSSB web site. 

But as shown above, in the lower right corner, that photograph shows the guru at a considerable distance. Zooming in on the high resolution screen of my much-beloved MacBook Pro  we get the scary, evil look of Gurinder Singh Dhillon.

In the course of searching for this photo, I found that Google Images has another search result for the RSSB guru that makes him look remarkably akin to someone I know quite well. Me!

Then I wondered what the regular Google search results for "Gurinder Singh Dhillon" would turn up. Interestingly, two of the five top hits featured...me! Or more accurately, my blog posts.

It's telling that aside from the Wikipedia article, the other four top search results all concern wrongdoing by Gurinder Singh Dhillon.

Kind of weird that someone who is considered by his devotees to be God in Human Form would be notorious for decidedly non-divine reasons. But it makes sense if you take another look at the "evil" photo.

Fans of The Rocky and Bullwinkle show, an animated series I watched as a kid, will remember their arch enemy, Snidely Whiplash. Here's an image of him. Does his mustache look familiar?

Deepak Chopra quote generator shows ridiculousness of New Age'ism

Religions are absurd by definition.

They make confident proclamations about God, heaven, life after death, and such, even though there is zero convincing evidence that God, heaven, life after death, or other supernatural phenomena even exist.

But there's plenty of absurdity floating around in the sphere of "spiritual but not religious," which includes New Age ideas.

Deepak Chopra is a notable purveyor of this sort of crap. I've written about Chopra here, here, here, and here. The blog post linked to in the last "here" is called Deepak Chopra's inanity makes my head explode.

OK, not literally. Otherwise I couldn't be writing this post. Figuratively, for sure.

Thanks to regular commenter Jesse, I've been turned on to a Deepak Chopra quote generator that allows me, or anyone, to produce Chopra inanities on demand that sound very much like the real thing in Chopra's books.

Here's what Jesse said in an email:

Hey Brian, not sure if you've ever seen this thing, but it's one of those quote generators like hundreds of others, but this one is made up only of words from Deepak Chopra's tweets. http://wisdomofchopra.com

 

"Perceptual reality compliments the light of space time events" 

 

So many of the quotes it makes are indistinguishable from much of the "wisdom" coming out of the Guru scene that it really raises the question about what these guys are even talking about.

 

I've long suspected that many of the adherents of these philosophies and religions hear a lot of words over and over and begin using them without having a firm grasp on the concepts either because they don't have the capacity, or because their teachers are repeating jargon that sounds fancy but never actually forms a coherent point.

 

The newness and exoticness of the terminology is very attractive and can make people feel like they're part of something very secret and special.

 

I wish I could remember more and better examples, but for example Jehovahs Witnesses refer to people as 'ones' quite often, Hare Krishnas often say 'demoniac' or even things like 'plenary expansions' which I think they struggle to translate into a useful concept. There are a bunch of words I remember using a lot when I was in RSSB but I'm not thinking of any now.

 

Anyway, check out that quote generator. Maybe slip one of them into an article some time and see if anyone notices.

Jesse

 

Well, I'll consider doing that, Jesse.

However, I need to remember that the unexplainable fears a symbolic representation of miracles. And it's common knowledge that eternal stillness transforms the door of knowledge. In the end, though, perception quiets exponential self-knowledge.

So likely I'll use the Deepak Chopra quote generator. Just did, in fact. Three times.

It's hard to tell fake Chopra quotes from genuine ones. The one below likely is genuine, because it makes such little sense. I'll keep looking for that place inside myself, though. I really want to be able to run a mile in under four minutes to show people that us 70 year-olds can do anything.

Just need to find the nothing-is-impossible place within me.

Allegedly, this is an alleged blog post about allegations

Here at the Church of the Churchless we admire humor, especially when it is directed at oh-so-serious religious believers. 

So I'm pleased to share this comment by Spence Tepper, who wrote it as a properly amused response to someone who was upset by me not using "alleged" in each and every sentence I wrote about a criminal complaint filed against Gurinder Singh Dhillon, the guru of Radha Soami Satsang Beas.

I've corrected a few alleged typos in the comment that was allegedly written by Tepper.

Hi Michael.

You wrote "In case he decides to delete that blog post, I have taken a screenshot of his words as I’m sure they will be helpful if there is a defamation lawsuit."

For real? Really?

Let's just say the alleged you allegedly took an alleged screen shot just in case Brian's alleged words are allegedly deleted, should an alleged lawsuit for alleged defamation arise, as it apparently, but only allegedly, has arisen in your very alleged mind.

I hope Michael is able to laugh at this, because he's been way too serious about criticizing me for writing that the guru made death threats against his cousin, Malvinder Singh, without adding "allegedly."

Of course, the blog post where I first reported the criminal complaint was titled Gurinder Singh Dhillon, the RSSB guru, is accused of making death threats. But I guess Michael wanted an "alleged" thrown in somewhere in addition to the "accused."

And Michael wasn't satisfied that in the post itself I used "allegations" several times to describe the complaint. Well, allegedly the blog post contains that word. 

I just wish religious believers were as zealous in using the word in describing their faiths. It'd be great if Christians said, "Allegedly, Jesus died on the cross for our sins," if Muslims said, "Allegedly, the Koran is the holy book of Allah," and if RSSB devotees said, "Allegedly, the guru is God in human form."

Stephen Colbert is pleased with this post, at least.

George Carlin jokes about absurdity of religion

In an email message, a regular Church of the  Churchless visitor recommended that I check out a George Carlin video about Christianity. 

When I searched You Tube, a pleasing variety of videos popped up where Carlin bashes religion. So I picked the one that's gotten the most views, 11 million. 

Enjoy.

Carlin hits on a lot of great points, including the crappy job that God is doing with the world, the ridiculousness of combining the threat of hellfire with God's love for us, why praying makes no sense, and the insatiable demand of religions for money, money, money.

Thanks to Ariana Grande, I now believe God is a woman

Hey, I've become a believer. In God. Who is a woman.

The lyrics explain this profound theology:

You, you love it how I move you
You love it how I touch you
My one, when all is said and done
You'll believe God is a woman
And I, I feel it after midnight
A feeling that you can't fight
My one, it lingers when we're done
You'll believe God is a woman

I don't wanna waste no time, yeah
You ain't got a one-track mind, yeah
Have it any way you like, yeah
And I can tell that you know I know how I want it
Ain't nobody else can relate
Boy, I like that you ain't afraid
Baby, lay me down and let's pray
I'm tellin' you the way I like it, how I want it

(Yeah)
And I can be all the things you told me not to be
(Yeah)
When you try to come for me, I keep on flourishing
(Yeah)
And he see the universe when I'm in company
It's all in me

You, you love it how I move you
You love it how I touch you
My one, when all is said and done
You'll believe God is a woman
And I, I feel it after midnight
A feeling that you can't fight
My one, it lingers when we're done
You'll believe God is a woman

I'll tell you all the things you should know
So, baby, take my hand, save your soul
We can make it last, take it slow, hmm
And I can tell that you know I know how I want it, yeah
But you different from the rest
And boy, if you confess, you might get blessed
See if you deserve what comes next
I'm tellin' you the way I like it, how I want it

(Yeah)
And I can be all the things you tell me not to be
(Yeah)
When you try to come for me, I keep on flourishing
(Yeah)
And he see the universe when I'm in company
It's all in me

You, you love it how I move you
You love it how I touch you
My one, when all is said and done
You'll believe God is a woman
And I, I feel it after midnight
A feeling that you can't fight
My one, it lingers when we're done
You'll believe God is a woman, yeah, yeah

(God is a woman)
Yeah, yeah
(God is a woman, yeah)
My one
(One)
When all is said and done
You'll believe God is a woman
You'll believe God
(God is a woman)
Oh, yeah
(God is a woman, yeah)
(One)
It lingers when we're done
You'll believe God is a woman

Young Sheldon beats a pastor at the God game

Young Sheldon is the precursor to Older Sheldon in the popular TV series, The Big Bang Theory. So says Wikipedia. Here's a video of Young Sheldon showing his scientific and logical skills as he gets the best of a church pastor. This clip gets Einstein wrong. He didn't believe in the Christian God. Einstein believed in Spinoza's god, which is Nature.

Love everyone and laugh. Good comic strip advice.

Sometimes a comic strip says more in a few panels than volumes of philosophy or religiosity. Thanks, Pearls Before Swine.

Jesus and Mohammed talk about truth vs. facts

Here's a good cartoon from the Jesus and Mo web site. Yeah, what if the truth isn't factual? 

Well, then it isn't true. Not that this would bother religious believers, because their "truth" is whatever they want it to be, whatever their faith commands. 

Which doesn't make it true, of course.

Doesn't something have to be factual to be true? It seems obvious that this is the case with objective reality, where facts are the common ground that enable different people to understand the same phenomenon. 

Yet it also appears that even subjective reality, such as an emotion or dream, also requires factuality to be true. If there is no fact-ness to a supposed truth, whether objective or subjective, how could it exist? 

Problem is, for religiosity, even if a subjective perception is factual, this still leaves it in the realm of Minimal Truth. Meaning, it truly is a perception in the mind of a person (like Jesus or Mohammed), but it doesn't possess any objective truth.

Secret of happiness revealed (but my wife disagrees)

In the course of de-cluttering my office yesterday, I came across a long-forgotten piece I'd written for RS Greetings, a spiritual magazine published by Radha Soami Satsang Beas, back in the days when I was a member of this India-based guru-led organization.

As I said in a 2004 post about the article, "Sadly, ego-loss didn't arrive in the mail," I'd argued with the editor of the magazine about their policy of not including the author's name. 

So I told the editor that their Anonymous policy prevented readers from offering valuable feedback, and from authors learning from those readers. That’s the way of science, open discussion and review of purported findings. The magazine powers-that-be apparently felt, however, that not publishing authors’ names was spiritually healthy. I guess not being recognized for a charitable article contribution earns more karmic Humble Points than having your name attached to it.

Naturally the first thing I did after getting a copy of the piece twelve years ago was write in my name in thick black ink. The second thing was curse at whoever failed to notice that the title of the essay misspelled "enlightenment."

Leaving that aside, when I finished re-reading "My Mini Enlightenment" after so many years I thought, Man, that's some damn fine writing, if I say so myself, about myself. 

Here's the piece, which in addition to its humor makes some semi-serious observations about what leads to happiness. Interestingly, I ended up buying a Mini Cooper S in 2011. I still have it.

I predicted at the time, "My 2011 Mini Cooper S should bring perfect happiness." I was almost right. Every time I drive it, the car makes me happy. Not perfectly happy, but happier than I am when I drive any other car. 

Often you hear the adage, material things don't bring happiness, positive experiences are what make us happy. But I don't get this. What if you need a certain material thing to have a positive experience? Anyway, read on...

My Mini Enlightenment
by Brian Hines

It was a great day when my consciousness attained a state of pristine clarity that I had never experienced before. Finally, after more than thirty years of daily meditation and deep study of the world’s most profound religious and philosophical writings, I finally knew in my heart of hearts what would bring me genuine happiness.

A Mini Cooper.

More precisely, a Mini Cooper S, racing green with a black top, navigation system, Xenon headlights, sunroof, and premium sound. I didn’t doubt that having this car in my garage would be the missing link in my spiritual evolution, because such was the evident message coming from God.

How else would you explain this miraculous series of events?

One Saturday I opened the newspaper to the weekly Auto section and found a glowing review of the new Mini Cooper. Until that day I had seen only a single Mini Cooper on the streets of my city. Then, walking to a downtown class later that morning, I espied a yellow Mini with a white top tooling down the street.

I ogle it. I go to my class. After class, I head back to my boring Volvo station wagon.

And there, at the very intersection where I had seen it two hours before, drives by the same yellow Mini with a white top. At that moment I knew that God does not speak more clearly than this to His beloved sheep, namely me, whom He wishes to make happy by generously bestowing the glorious gifts of His creation, in this case a supercharged Mini Cooper.

However, when I got home and enthusiastically shared my divine revelation with my wife, Laurel said, “How do you know it is God sending the message?” Well, the nerve! Who else could it be? “Doesn’t God want us to lessen our worldly desires rather than add to them?” she asked irritatingly. Then, as Laurel turned back to the stack of women’s clothing catalogs she was drooling over, she added, “Plus, I hate how Mini Coopers look.”

A distressing jolt of theological truth shook my psyche: man proposes, God disposes, and then the wife has the final say.

After thirty-one years of marriage I should have known that a Higher Power controls my destiny, and her name is Woman. Further proof of this came a few months later when Laurel prominently displayed a page from an issue of TIME magazine so I wouldn’t miss the article called “No Price Tag on Happiness.”

To make sure I got the point, she crossed out “Porsche” and wrote in “Mini Cooper” on the first sentence: “Think that Porsche and boat and beach house you have been dreaming of would make you happy? Think again.” The article went on to say that Richard Easterlin, an economist, had found that “while healthy people are generally happier than unhealthy ones and married people are happier than unmarrieds, increases in wealth and material possessions improve happiness only briefly.”

Well, since I’m healthy and married this was good news as regards my happiness potential.

But since I had been counting on being even happier once I was healthy, married, and a Mini Cooper owner, this also was bad news. So I chucked the magazine in the recycling bin and looked forward to forgetting all about this happiness research, memories of which were taking up brain cells that I needed for more fantasies about my dream car.

Unfortunately, soon I couldn’t help noticing another article on the New York Times web site about the same subject. This article had an even blunter title: “The Futile Pursuit of Happiness.” It went on in this vein for seven pages. After I had finished reading it I could see my Mini Cooper dreams being crushed in the harsh wrecking yard of psychological research reality.

The gist of the article was that people aren’t very accurate in predicting what effect an event will have on their happiness. “On average,” I read, “bad events proved less intense and more transient than test participants predicted. Good events proved less intense and briefer as well.”

So according to researcher Daniel Gilbert, “Things that happen to you or that you buy and own—as much as you think they make a difference to your happiness, you’re wrong by a certain amount. You’re overestimating how much of a difference they make. None of them make the difference you think. And that’s true of positive and negative events.”

It seems that each of us has a happiness set point that we have a strong tendency to return to, no matter what we do or what happens to us.

Like sine waves, we cycle up and we cycle down, but overall we don’t stray very far from the straight line that is our inherent level of happiness. We imagine that this or that will make us much more happy or much more unhappy, but we aren’t good at predicting our level of future happiness once this or that happens.

Not that it matters much. Because whether our happiness trends up or down in the short-term, most events in our lives don’t have a lasting effect on our basic sense of well-being. And this is where happiness research seems to have some profound spiritual implications.

If we can’t tell what will make us happy, and if our happiness tends to revert to a base level, then we shouldn’t worry nearly as much as we do about seeking out supposed good things and avoiding supposed bad things. For we can’t predict what is “good” or “bad.” And even if we could, so what? For soon our happiness level will come down from the good that made it rise, or will bounce back from the bad that made it fall.

The implication is that it is more important to raise our whole happiness set point to a higher base level. This is one of the effects of enlightenment, spiritual illumination, satori, psychological breakthrough, whatever you want to call it. Not relying on outer events or other people to make us happy is the true key to happiness. Since happiness is within, that’s where we’ll find it, not outside.

Marcus Aurelius, the philosophical second-century Roman emperor, wrote in his Meditations, “Happiness, by derivation, means ‘a good god within.’” Such is the meaning of eudaimonia, the Greek word for happiness. Thus happiness and spirituality go hand in hand.

I know this. I really do. Still, I can’t forget a conversation I had with a Mini Cooper S owner, Bill, in which we managed to arrive at a wonderfully supportive pseudo-Taoist foundation for our autoholic tendencies.

We reasoned that to be attached to non-attachment is itself an attachment.

So if it doesn’t matter whether things are this way or that, whether one owns a Mini Cooper or not, then why not have a Mini Cooper? So the Mini Cooperist sage detaches from non-attachment, and attaches himself to an automotive attachment, so that he stays centered close to the divine still point between detachment and attachment.

Now, since I’d like to aid Bill’s further spiritual progress, I figure that what he needs to do at this point is detach himself from his present attachment and sell his Mini Cooper to me for a song. Research predicts the car won’t make me happy for long, but since I feel that God wants me to test that hypothesis, who can stand in the way of sacred science?

Two people, unfortunately: Bill, and my wife.

Comic strip wisdom: happiness is now, or never

After many years of searching for wisdom in all the wrong places -- holy books, teachings of gurus, new age'y claptrap -- I've found a better wellspring of inspiration.

The Sunday comics. 

Though this "Pearls Before Swine" strip refers to the futility of worldly pursuits where the carrot of fulfillment is always just out of reach, it points equally at religious promises that are continually around the corner: salvation, enlightenment, bliss.

Benny the Beach Bum has seen through all that. (click to enlarge)

This comic strip reminds me of an anecdote I related in a 2006 blog post, "Paving over paradise."

Back in the 80s I spent some time on a Fiji island. There wasn’t much to do at the small resort where we were staying. That was the idea. Not doing much. One afternoon a Tahitian girl showed us how to make a native something or other. I don’t remember what it was. I do remember the girl.

She was gorgeous. A classic Tahitian beauty. Wise too. My fellow vacationers were mostly from Australia and the United States. Someone said, “Have you ever been to America?” “No,” she replied. Then she was asked, “Would you like to go?”

She tossed back her long dark hair and smiled. Her words stuck in my mind.

“Why would I want to? In America you live in big cities, work hard, and then die. Why should I leave here?”

There was an awkward silence. I could sense that we all were thinking, “Good question.” In an instant the proud U.S. citizen belief that ours is the land everyone wants to come to had been buried under the sparkling Fiji sand. I thought to myself, “Why do I want to go home? That’s the real question.”

A Sally Forth comic has a similar message.

The teenage daughter, Hillary (OK, Wikipedia says she is perpetually 12, but she seems teenage to me), reminds me of myself a lot of the time. Also, of most people I know. 

We've got to-do lists that are never completed. Before one thing is done, we're thinking of the next thing that needs doing. Whatever is happening Here-and-Now is viewed as a barrier to a seemingly more important There-and-Then.

Of course, when that moment happens, it isn't really satisfying or fulfilling, because there's something else awaiting our attention. 

And so it goes. Just like religious believing. The promised land is always, well, promised. What is, is always viewed as less than what could be. 

Happiness, of course, has to be ours now. Or it will be never. 

"Liberal Redneck" Trae Crowder is one funny irreligious guy

Trae Crowder is a comedian who says some damn funny stuff in his "Liberal Redneck" You Tube videos.  But his mocking has a serious side to it, because often he's making fun of small-minded dogmatic religious believers. 

Here's four short Liberal Redneck videos that I liked a lot.

Being familiar with a southern accent, United States style, I had no problem understanding Crowder. Other English speakers might have some difficulty grasping what he's saying.

Even if you don't get every word, though, give him a watch. This Liberal Redneck has an engaging style and outlook on life.

 

 

 

 

 

Book of Mormon musical: weirder is better when it comes to religion

My wife and I hugely enjoyed seeing The Book of Mormon musical in Portland last night. I enjoyed the show much more than I thought I would. 

My uncertainty about The Book of Mormon wasn't because it is the creation of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who came up with the animated South Park series.

I'm a big South Park fan. I love profanity, bathroom humor, and gross jokes. I expected these marvelous qualities to be in The Book of Mormon, and they were!

What I was unsure about was how funny Mormonism could be. Sure, Mormons have weird beliefs (there's a listing of 101 of them). But all religions do. Can this be made humorous enough to warrant the price of spendy tickets to the musical?

For sure!

I'm not going to give away the plot of The Book of Mormon here, especially how the show ends. But there's no harm in sharing my main takeaway philosophical conclusion of the final act:

Weirder is better when it comes to religion. 

This fits with a review of the show I read on my iPhone while we were sitting in our seats, waiting for The Book of Mormon to start.

Of course, there are also countless potshots at Mormonism. But for all the criticism of the 190-year-old religion, the show is never cruel. Sure, the characters mock believers' unflappable optimism and the faith's Upstate New York origin story. The message is never anti-religion, though. Rather, it's uplifting and spends just as much time mocking the musical genre itself.

Mormonism is simply a front to point out all the absurdities in life. And in mocking religion, the show is, in a way, endorsing it: If you need an absurd story to get you through the horrible parts of life, then by all means, have it.

Most of the musical centers around the problem a bunch of Mormon missionaries have in converting Ugandan villagers to their religion. They succeed only when the already-weird Mormon teachings are made even weirder.

I liked this plot twist a lot.

If you're going to believe in strange stuff, why not go all the way to the farthest reaches of strangeness? Since religious supernaturalism is unbelievable, why not burst the bounds of believability to the fullest extent possible?

Like Janis Joplin sang back in the '60s, "Feeling good was good enough for me." If it feels good, do it. This isn't a statement about the nature of reality -- just a reflection of human nature.

Everybody needs some help to get them through the tough side of life. Religions are one of the crutches people lean on. If a crazy belief relieves anxiety, pain, suffering -- I'm fine with that, so long as it is recognized that the belief is just that, not a truth about the cosmos.

Here's some videos that will give you a feel for The Book of Mormon. Be sure to check out "I Believe," as this song reflects a core theme of the show.

 

 

"How to choose a guru" -- funny and true video

YES! In under five minutes this guy does a great job at showing up the ridiculousness of guru worship through the powerful medium of mockery.

I learned about the video from a Church of the Churchless commenter. Thanks. Great stuff.

 

"F*ck that: a guided meditation" -- I like!

Here's another approach to guided meditation to complement my previous post on this subject. You really can't go wrong by embracing the core message of this 2 1/2 minute You Tube video:

Fuck that. 

 

Dilbert comic hits close to home

I'm both ashamed and proud of how closely this Dilbert comic in last Sunday's paper reminded me of me. Not totally so, but pretty damn close.

(click to enlarge)

South Park's "Grounded Vindaloop" holds key to reality (or...not)

I'm a big fan of getting my cosmic inspiration from the comic pages and Comedy Central. This week has been a bonanza in that regard. 

Here's what today's Pearls Before Swine had to say about the meaning of existence. In three panels, it nicely encapsulated the human condition. (click to enlarge)

Even more profound was the most recent South Park episode, "Grounded Vindaloop." It blew my mind, and I wasn't even under the influence of any psychoactive or hallucinogenic substances. 

If you watch the episode after taking LSD, I predict that instant enlightenment will be yours. Or insanity. Or both. 

Thankfully, since spending twenty-some minutes watching "Grounded Vindaloop" will tell you much more about the nature of reality than any religious book, the episode can be viewed on Hulu for free. And currently there is a You Tube video of the episode.

Enjoy. While it lasts.

 

There's already a detailed description of the episode on Wikipedia, but naturally it doesn't capture the full existential, paradoxical, and The Matrix'ish flavor of "Grounded Vindaloop." Read it if you must, though.

The episode starts off with Cartman fooling Butters that he is wearing an actual virtual reality (VR) device, Oculus. Which is a real product, slated to be sold in 2015. I'm excited about it, having just watched a You Tube video of a 90 year old grandmother trying out a pre-production Oculus.

I found lots of philosophical profundity in "Grounded Vindaloop." Along with mindless humor, a nice blend. 

Right off the bat, Cartman's assurances to Butters that he was experiencing a virtual reality-enhanced world, even though Butters was just looking through fake goggles and listening to Cartman over a headset, struck me as a metaphor for how religions do much the same:

Make people think they are experiencing another dimension of reality, whereas actually they are living in the same world they always were -- along with the rest of us.

Butters is astounded at what he sees: "My hands!" Yeah, Butters, they look so real because they are real. You've just been fooled by Cartman into believing that the fake goggles give you a heightened perspective.

"Grounded Vindaloop" really gets rolling when the calls start coming from Oculus customer support, who naturally is an Indian guy, "Steve." Soon we are completely confused about what is real reality, and what is virtual reality.

The episode puts The Matrix to shame, having more illusion within illusion loops. Is what's happening a dream? Or could it be a dream within a dream? Or maybe the real world that just seems to be a dream? Or something else entirely?

Steve plays a central role in all this.

I loved how Steve comes to need customer support himself and ends up talking to a version of himself (or maybe it was himself; couldn't tell). This scene fulfils the fantasy of everybody who ends up calling customer support and getting a pleasant guy or gal with an Indian accent who asks, "Have I answered all of your questions and provided good customer service?"

I was curious how the South Park writers would get out of the looping paradoxes and bring the episode to a satisfying conclusion. Pleasingly, Steve's oft-repeated question above was the key. All the South Park guys needed to do was say "Yes."

Make sense? No. Which is why this was a wonderfully fitting way to resolve the episode. One disgruntled reviewer of the episode said:

I have no idea what actually “happened” in “Grounded Vindaloop.”

Well, duh, dude. His next sentence was right-on, though.

I don’t think I’m supposed to.

Just like life, man. Just like life. Get used to it.

Still profoundly funny: MonkMojo who is now 2020mojo

Back in 2010 I put up a post called "Non-dual cartoons point way to enlightenment (or not)." It started off with...

One of the favorite people crazed cartoon characters I follow on Twitter is MonkMojo. I've learned a lot about non-dualism and Zen from reading his clever tweets.

Saying that, of course, means that I haven't learned a thing. But who gives a shit? A smile is close to enlightenment, which is one of the idiotic cliches that MonkMojo enjoys demolishing.

Here's some sample MonkMojo tweets. (RT means a re-tweet; what follows the || is MonkMojo's add-on).

RT @Yojinbo: wasn't impressed w/ the response I got from Houston Zen Center when I was in prison: no response. || Sounds pretty Zen 2 me ;)

Me to wife: While you're out there doing all your "important" stuff, I'm tweeting the fuckin' answers to life!

RT @TaoTeaKing: @MonkMojo i don`t believe that you got "the point" . Believe me ... :-) || Pretty much sums up my life. ;)

All I want to do is hang on to my stories and die bitter. Is that too much to fuckin' ask?

RT @amoz1939: Being excluded / Agony undergoing / The loss of good friends #haiku || Fuck'em ~#itiswhatitis

RT @ookiee: What's more important: that you believe in God, or believe in yourself?|| Which hot coal should one grasp more tightly? Neither.

Kindness happens, then a me swoops in and kills it with a my. 

MonkMojo morphed into Mojo1000, who morphed into 2020mojo. The dude (anyone called 2020Mojo clearly deserves that appellation) is a master of pseudo-spiritual aphorisms.


Except I'm not sure why I added "pseudo," since I like 2020mojo's pithy Twitterisms more than most of the spiritual crap that litters my bookcases.

You can read them by clicking on the link. Here's a sample of some recent tweets that I like.

I’m not sure if I'm here now, but I'm certain I wasn't there then.

You gave up your truth to help maintain balance in the system. Fuck the system.

Becoming demystified is a mystical experience.

Do we have a lot in common or are our delusional trances just overlapping at the moment?

You people mean a lot to me, so I just wanted to pause for a moment and send all of you a hug and some inappropriate touching.

Goddamnit, I left all the cool shit in my repressed unconsciousness.

Hey fuckers, I'm learning about respecting emotional boundaries.

I’m not looking for answers here, I’m looking for fellow explorers.

What does it mean when your wife keeps saying words at you?

“We're fucked.” - The first human conscious thought.

You can’t hide in the now forever, the past is on your heels and the future is coming for you.

I'm all in on this present moment stuff, but it’s helpful to understand what the fuck happened.

I used to be anti blame-it-on-your-childhood, then I finally took a look at mine. There’s gold in them thar hills!

I remember when God used to watch me masturbate. It was weird, but it made me feel important.

There is nothing special about awakening, it is your natural state. An absence of drama may be the only sign.

They tried to beat the me-ness out of me. What the fuck were they thinking?

That broken feeling you have deep down inside is what having a soul feels like, or it could just be gas.

I couldn't live in the truth, it’s way too uncomfortable, but I usually feel better after a visit.

Super nice people don’t give or receive honest feedback, that’s why you want to choke them to death.

Western psychology helps me to identify the issue, Eastern philosophy helps me to loosen my grip on it.

The multi-billion dollar spiritual business is becoming about as bad as religion.

Yet, in spite of it all, here you are, inexplicably triumphant over nothingness.

All the scientific hard evidence we discover is within a mystical realm we call consciousness.

Deep down inside I have an inner life coach that must be on acid or something.

What you refuse to accept, the world will creatively find a way to shove up your ass.

“I'm spiritual but not religious.” is code for “I’m confused but not super cluster mega fucking confused.”

Personal growth consists of your angry “I don't give a fuck.” becoming a peaceful “I don't give a fuck.”

Buddhism shows its extremist side: threatening tranquility

Damn those Buddhists! I knew they were up to no good. Had to be some malevolent plotting going on behind those serene smiles. 

The Onion has revealed the truth in "Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows to Unleash Tranquility on West." 

WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.

Speaking in front of a nondescript altar surrounded by candles, burning sticks of incense, and a small golden statue of the Buddha, Rinpoche did not specify when or where an assault of profound inner stillness would occur, but stated in no uncertain terms that the fundamentalist Buddhist cell plans to target all Western suffering.

“In the name of the Great Teacher, we will stop at nothing to unleash a firestorm of empathy, compassion, and true selflessness upon the West,” said Rinpoche, adding that all enemies of a freely flowing, unfettered state of mind will be “besieged with pure, everlasting happiness.” “No city will be spared from spiritual harmony. We will bring about the end to all Western pain and anxiety, to all destructive cravings, to all greed, delusion, and misplaced desire. Indeed, we will bring the entire United States to its knees in deep meditation.”

“Wisdom and virtue to America!” continued Rinpoche. “Wisdom and virtue to all living things on earth!”

Won't happen. Can't happen. We will resist.

Comic Jessi Klein's story about her dream job

Here's something questionably/ definitely/ absolutely not (take your choice) spiritually significant. Click on segment 1.

Listen. Smile. Laugh. Learn. Loved the ending. And comic Klein's attitude. More and more, I think comics are the wisest people on Earth. In addition to the funniest.

Age old moral here: be yourself. Not the person you believe either you or someone else wants you to be.

Bonus extra visual addition: if you listen to Klein's podcast and are intrigued by her mention of Blake Lively, here's a photo. (Klein speaks the truth.)

Double bonus extra visual addition: if you listen to Klein's podcast and are intrigued by her mention of the TIna Fey Saturday Night Live sketch, "Brownie Husband," here's a video.

A woman's shapely body proclaims the glory of the Lord!

Once in a while I find some Christian beliefs that I can heartily agree with. Such as this excerpt from Sharon Hodde Miller's "How 'Modest is Hottest' is Hurting Christian Women."

Second, we must affirm the value of the female body. The value or meaning of a woman's body is not the reason for modesty. Women's bodies are not inherently distracting or tempting. On the contrary, women's bodies glorify God. Dare I say that a woman's breasts, hips, bottom, and lips all proclaim the glory of the Lord! Each womanly part honors Him. He created the female body, and it is good.

No argument here, Ms. Miller. 

I didn't want to spend a whole lot of time searching the Internet for a photo to illustrate the glory of the Lord, so will content myself with a quickly chosen selection from Google Image's "Sports Illustrated swimsuit 2013."

Almost makes me want to become a worshipper of the Lord.

Dilbert strip reminds me of spiritual books

This Dilbert comic strip refers to leadership books, but it sure seems to apply also to spiritual, religious, mystical, metaphysical, philosophical, and meditation books. (click to enlarge)

Jesus appears in a pug's butthole. Praise Dog!

There's really nothing to say about this awesome (or ass-some) miracle: an obvious image of Jesus appearing in, or as, a dog's butthole.

A picture is worth more than any amount of words I could utter in praise of Almighty Dog. (click to enlargenfy)

This explains why dogs spend so much time with their noses up each other's asses. They're looking for Jesus!

Tom Tomorrow: no reason to thank the Lord for tornado devastation

Like I did in a post, this Tom Tomorrow comic points out the absurdity of prayer and thanking God for death/destruction. (click to enlargencize)

Nice bit of CNN ridicule, also. (Wolf Blitzer did indeed ask a survivor if she thanked the Lord; turns out she was an atheist).

Who knew Louis C.K. was a (funny) philosopher?

Being an admirer of the American comedian Louis C.K., naturally I was attracted to the title of a Yoga Brains post I came across: "The Yoga of Louis C.K."

It's worth a read. Excerpt:

With that in mind, the below clip, which ended comedian Louis C.K.’s HBO special ‘Oh My God,’ while hilariously funny (and worth watching on those merits alone), points to the deep rift we humans suffer on a daily basis: the distance between what we think and how we, at least sometimes, act. Or, at the very least, the conflicting chorus of voices that consistently ring out in our heads, oftentimes at the most inopportune moments—what he refers to as ‘Of Course’ and ‘But Maybe.’

Kudos to Louis C.K. for being able to get laughs by talking about children dying from nut allergies. Humor is marvelous.

We're reminded that, sure, life can be really tough and serious. Nothing to joke about. Of course.

But maybe... everything is a joke. On some level. 

Of course... that probably is wrong. But maybe... And so we go.

Here's the video clip.

 

Dogs as ministers. Finally, a religious practice that makes sense.

Today's Portland Oregonian has a religiously-themed story that I actually read: "Four-Footed Ministers program employs a canine to connect to the divine."

As far as Portland resident Jerilyn Felton is concerned, it’s no coincidence that the word “dog” is “God” spelled backwards.

Felton coordinates a dog-ministry program called the Four-Footed Ministers Pastoral-Care Program at Maryville Nursing Home in Beaverton. 

She designed the program while pursuing her doctor of ministry degree at George Fox Evangelical Seminary.

Felton believes that the presence of dogs can help foster a connection to the divine. The physical connections the residents make by interacting with the animal can lead to spiritual comfort and care, she says, while dogs also bring residents closer to each other.

Makes sense. 

I'm pretty sure that cats, if not evil, are much more aligned with a devilish than divine nature. For proof, have a heart-warming (and heart-chilling) look at "The difference between dogs and cats :-)"

 

Mindful equals moral. And I'm a 4/10 Hipster.

I'm not a big fan of rigid commandments.

So when I came across "Ten Things that are Bad for Us that Can be Good for You if Practiced Mindfully," I figured it would fit with my loose moral inclinations. I was right. Nothing astounding here; just a good reminder that Buddha got it right about that "middle way" stuff.

Here's what the author, Waylon Lewis, said about mindfulness itself:

Spirituality and religion can help us to be kind, and patient, to learn, to connect with community—or they can become fixed, dividing, materialistic dogma. Mindfulness itself can be meditation, at its root—training us to connect with our own basically good human nature—or it can be a spiritual shawl, self-serious religious veil we draw around us to look and pretend and busy ourselves with the act of “being spiritual.” The difference?

Mindfulness, at its root, is meditation: in Buddhism, it’s called a self-burning flame. Or a self-cutting sword. So remember: we’re doing all this not to look or act serious and cool. But to lighten up, ground down, stand tall and smile sadly—acknowledging the sadness and weight of the suffering and confusion of this world, and at the same time appreciating the elegance, joy, compassion and fun that is our human birthright, if only we choose to claim it.

So meditate. Don’t do it as a religious act, but as a practical one—like brushing your teeth, you can do it twice a day, just after we wake, and when we prepare to go to bed.

I wasn't aware of the Elephant Journal before reading this post. There's a lot to peruse on the site, which is focused on mindful organic non-religious Buddhist'y spirituality -- or something like that. 

Browsing around a bit, naturally I had to click on "10 Signs you're a true Hipster." Given my age, 64, I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to qualify as one. But I did OK, scoring nicely on...

2. You read labels. Your eyes dilate when you see an organic certification, and narrow when you see “all natural!”

3. You don’t count calories. You count how many days a week you work out. And by working out, you mean “climbing” or “yoga” or “mountain biking” or “road biking” or “hiking”* or “kayaking” or “snowshoeing” or “skiing” or “snowboarding” or something human-powered, generally. You don’t like plugging in your bicycle and walking in the same place in sweatified, toxic, un-cocooned air.

5. You drink coffee. You drink more coffee. You drink more coffee. You drink tea. You drink pu-erh. You don’t drink mate anymore. You don’t drink kombucha anymore. You don’t drink bubble tea. You do drink smoothies, and instagram them.

9. You rescue dogs and cats and are vegan or vegetarian... [rest of this item didn't fit very well, but, hey, my wife is a volunteer at the local Humane Society and we're both ardent vegetarians].

So I'm 4/10 of a perfect hipster. Cool! But I don't really consider myself a hipster.

10. You deny being a hipster.

Which gets me to 5/10. Halfway. 50 percento. Super cool!!!

-----------------------------

Shifting gears, but still sticking with the mindful moral theme, I re-read Alan Watts' "Creative Morality" chapter in his The Wisdom of Insecurity this morning. Good stuff. Here's some quotes:

The urge is ever to make "I" amount to something. I must be right, good, a real person, heroic, loving, self-effacing. I efface myself in order to assert myself, and give myself away in order to keep myself. The whole thing is a contradiction.

...The would-be saint walks straight into the meshes of this web because he would become a saint. His "I" finds the deepest security in a satisfaction which is the more intense for being so cleverly hidden -- the satisfaction of being contrite for his sins, and contrite for taking pride in his contrition. In such an involved vicious circle the masks behind masks are infinite.

...Released from the circle of attempted self-love, the mind of man draws the whole universe into its own unity as a single dewdrop seems to contain the entire sky. This, rather than any mere emotion, is the power and principle of free action and creative morality.

...Its interest is not in itself, but in the people and problems of which it is aware; these are "itself." It acts, not according to the rules, but according to the circumstances of the moment, and the "well" it wishes to others is not security but liberty. 

...Everyone has love, but it can only come out when he is convinced of the impossibility and the frustration of trying to love himself. This conviction will not come about through condemnations, through hating himself, through calling self-love all the bad names in the universe.

It comes only in the awareness that one has no self to love.

Fake celebrity video shows how gurus scam devotees

Watch this You Tube video. In four and a half minutes you'll have a much better understanding of how gurus, prophets, masters, and other "spiritual" celebrities get so many people to believe in them.

Fascinating, how easy it is to delude us humans. Our tendency is to follow others like sheep.

(Thanks to a blog visitor for sending me a link to this video. It's got over 4 million You Tube views, but I hadn't heard of it before.) 

 

Zen reality

From a recent The New Yorker. Pretty much sums up my own mindfulness practice. 

Download Zen reality (pdf file)

Photos of my not-so-sacred meditation chamber

I figure it's time to prepare for my hoped-for veneration, exaltation, and worship as an enlightened godly being.

True, I don't believe in enlightenment or in God.

But why should this stop me from being worshipped? I founded this here Church of the Churchless. I preach about stuff all the time. I'm venerated in my own mind. Maybe the exaltation I feel toward myself will spread someday.

So in case someone ever builds a shrine to me, here's photos of the meditation chamber where my perfection becomes more perfect every morning.

I hereby give permission for it to be recreated in any artistic medium desired, including gold and other precious metals, so long as a large royalty check is delivered to me monthly. 

My not-so-sacred Meditation Chamber was hewed out of a (usually) unused shower in a part of our house that was designed by the previous owner for an invalid mother-in-law who never lived there. I have to move my stuff out when someone comes to visit, as my daughter and granddaughter did this week. 

I cover up the shower nozzle with a curtain. I like the metaphor: how my already pure/pristine consciousness is becoming cleansed of even the most minute imperfections through my meditative surroundings. Details follow...

I always bring in the sports page of the Oregonian to start off my contemplation of ultimate reality.

Today I learned that redshirt freshman Marcus Mariota's wait to be quarterback of the Oregon Ducks football team is over. When they beat USC in November and then win a national championship next year I will not only be even more divine, but also really happy.

The photograph of an evergreen tree growing among golden aspens is a symbol of something or other. I could tell you, but you wouldn't understand, so figure it out yourself. 

I am a habitual highlighter and scribbler of profound thoughts in margins and bland end pages. These are my weapons. You can see my backups on the lower shelf. If an evil genius ever corners the market on highlighters, my unending spiritual evolution will be stalled, but not ended, for my upward (or downward?) progress is unstoppable. 

Lastly, we see here the true keys to my exalted state of being: coffee and books. Caffeine and the printed non-fiction page serve as booster rockets which propel my unsoul into profound regions of reality during my 20 minutes of so of perfected meditation each morning.

(Methamphetamine probably would work even better than coffee, but I also love naps, so have to strike a balance between a heightened and lowered consciousness.)

So...behold! My not-so-sacred Meditation Chamber.

Feel free to print copies of these photos and venerate them as you see fit. Or re-create my space in your own shower. I recommend an unused one, but each to his/her own.

Snoop Dogg (now Lion) finds his true inner self

Congratulations to the former Snoop Dogg, who now raps as Snoop Lion. He has found his true inner Rastafarian self. 

Details are lacking as to whether his true self was discovered in a psycho-active smoky haze.

Snoop Lion has not only found himself, he's discovered that he's the reincarnation of Bob Marley.

Finally, a religious awakening that has a ring of truth to it. 

If God was real and could see us now

Cosmic!

The next morning after I blog about my communication with God, where I learned that this non-existent divine being is deeply irritated with us humans, a cartoon pops up in my Facebook feed with similar message.

 

Cats and organized religion

A lot of truth in this Far Left Side cartoon.

Universe is sending me a "Fuck. That. Shit." message

I've got no idea who "the Universe" could be. Or if it is a "who." Or if it is, at all. Regardless...

The Universe seems to be trying to communicate an important message to me. 

Fuck. That. Shit. 

It also comes in a different cadence and punctuation.

Fuck that shit!

Today I came across the Mother Ship source of the first link, a cool xkcd comic. Read it. Maybe the Universe is out to give you the same message. 

Here's an excerpt from the comic that I liked a lot:

I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. 

It doesn't involve tempering my life to fit into someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up. This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can:

Fuck. That. Shit.

Got to share some poetic hate-mail insults

I've got to give credit where credit is due: one of my most avid non-fans does come up with some marvelously creative (and alliterative) insulting comments. 

Often these go into a Typepad spam filter, where I just discovered some heretofore unnoticed gems.

Usually I ignore hate mail, but these communications struck me as possessing an admirable "Howl" style (Allen Ginsberg's classic poem) and deserved to be shared with a wider audience.

why you such a two bit second grade hypocritical coward you miserable little runt eyed prat, what you so goddamn chicken about you pitiful little two faced rat? You a typical two faced insincere coward who is too cowardly to face any facts.. Lemme tell you how its gonna cut you cowardly little pitiful prat... reality gonna dawn on you so hard you gonna bust apart and cry big tears like the little chicken arsed two faced unscrupulous insincere back biting coward you are.

about time this pseudo psycho asshole derelict dimwit dumb ass Hines got down from his self made defunct cocoon of ignorant denial driven disillusionment and opened up his defunct derailed brain and let a little bit of open minded light into his dark cavernous debauched brainwashed bullshit baffled bewilderment.

you churchless chump morons think you clever, the entire gamut bang shoot of you churchless anti RSSB champing clowns are decidedly and absolutely stupid... and it shows...

The author of these messages, of course, considers that he/she is not decidedly and absolutely stupid. I'll leave it to the reader to determine where the balance of stupidity falls most heavily.

I'm doing the "work of Our Lord." Surprise to me.

Who knew? Certainly not me. Just got this email from Rev. Shawn Malloy, my "brother in Jesus."

Dear Brother Brian

My brother in Christ I want to say I love the sight [site?] and I pray that your Facebook launch will be success.  You are doing the work of Our Lord so my prayers are with you.

Sincerely,

Your Brother in Christ Jesus

________________________________

Reverend Dr. Shawn M. Malloy DD
Founder and Senior Pastor
Malloy Ministries
http://www.malloyministries.org

Excellent news. If I learn after I die that I'm wrong, and Jesus truly is the Son of God who died for our sins, I can whip out this email at the Pearly Gates and demand admission.

Except...I just looked at Rev. Malloy's Facebook comment and Twitter tweet about this blog. I suspect that my "work of Our Lord" is providing Malloy Ministries with a way to get links to its web site spread around the Internet. 

Is this virtuous enough Lordly work to save my soul (assuming I have one)? Don't know. Am pretty sure the Bible doesn't say anything about cyberspace holiness.

Bill Maher says "atheism is not a religion." Yes!

On last Friday's Real Time With Bill Maher, the "New Rules" segment got it exactly right. Atheism is not a religion. It's the absence of religion. 

As noted in this post, if atheism is a religion, albino is a suntan. For another thoughtful perspective, check out Skeptico's "Atheism is not a religion."

You can watch the whole New Rules segment (six minutes long) here. Atheism bit is at the end. Thanks to HBO, I'll share a transcript of Maher's take on religion and atheism below. 

And finally, New Rule: Until someone claims to see Christopher Hitchens' face in a tree stump, idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion.

There's one little difference. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a super-human, controlling power. And atheism is…precisely not that.

Got it? Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

Now…believe it or not, I don't really enjoy talking about religion all the time. In fact, not only is atheism not a religion, it's not even my hobby. And that's the best thing about being an atheist. It requires so little of your time.

But, there is a growing trend in this country that needs to be called out. And that is to label any evidence-based belief a religion. Many conservatives now say that belief in manmade climate change is a religion, and Darwinism is a religion. And of course, atheism, the total lack of religion, is somehow a religion, too, according to the always reliable "Encyclopedia Moronica."

Now, it's a dodge, of course, straight out of the grand intellectual tradition of "I know you are, but what am I?" It's a way of saying, "Hey, we all believe in some sort of faith-based malarkey, so let's call it a push."

No. No, no, no, no. no. It's not fair that people who can't defend their own nonsense get to create a fake, fair-and-balanced argument, the way they do in asserting that evolution and creationism are equally valid.

I'm not saying that atheists are perfect thinkers. Everyone has blind spots. I'm sure there are atheists who think ponytails look good on a man. And pineapple belongs on a pizza. And Ayn Rand was an important thinker. But, when it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin. And you don't get to put your un-reason up on the same shelf with my reason.

Your stuff has to go over there on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken. With the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens. That's not atheism.

I'm open to anything for which there's evidence. Show me a god and I will believe in him. If Jesus Christ comes down from the sky during the halftime show of this Sunday's Super Bowl and turns all the nachos into loaves and fishes, well, I'll think two things. First, how dare he interrupt Madonna; she is going to be pissed!

And two, oh, look at that, I was wrong; there he is. My bad. Praise the Lord.

But, that's not going to happen. And, short of that, if you still insist atheism is a religion, then it's only fair that we get to do all the loony stuff that you get to do.

And I'm going to start tonight by un-baptizing Mitt Romney's dead father-in-law. [slide shown of Edward Davies] Yes, in case you didn't hear, it was discovered last week that Edward Davies, Ann Romney's father, an enthusiastically anti-religious scientist who called organized faith "hogwash," was posthumously baptized in the Mormon tradition, 14 months after he died. They tried to do it sooner, but he wouldn't stop spinning in his grave.

So, here then, is history's first un-baptism ceremony right now. [he produces framed photo of Edward Davies] [he puts on wizard’s hat and produces a wand and candle] For the late Edward Davies.

[Lights go out, church music heard] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of math, gravity, evolution and electricity…to honor Brother Edward, and to send the powers of SEAL Team 666 to rescue him from Planet Kolob so that he may spend eternity with the kind of free-thinkers he chose to hang out with on earth.

So, by the power granted to me by the Blair Witch. Schlemiel, Schlimazel, e pluribus mumbo-jumbo! Expecto-Petronum, Sussudio, Yo Mama…I call upon the Mormon spirits to leave your body the f**k alone!

Brother Edward, in this world, you had to put up with Mitt Romney. You've suffered enough!