My wife's shoulder surgery is a growth opportunity for me

For a long time I felt that my daily meditation was the best way for me to become a better person. Looking back, that was a selfish attitude.

I'd bought into a form of pseudo-spirituality that taught self-realization (I'm soul, not body!) was the stepping stone to god-realization (My soul is a drop of the divine ocean!). 

I call it "pseudo" because in my current frame of mind, genuine spirituality is about forgetting the self as much as possible, not trying to enhance it, even if the supposed enhancing is aimed at merging with the Grandest Self of All, god. 

Acting for the good of others is a higher purpose than acting for our own good. And I'm not talking about a narrow definition of  "others," such as a guru.

During my true believing days when I was an active member of Radha Soami Satsang Beas (RSSB), an India-centered religious organization, I encountered many RSSB initiates who were all in on selfless service -- to the guru.

They'd journey to the RSSB headquarters in India or a RSSB center in their own country to reap the spiritual benefit of seva, volunteer service. I did that too, but I never felt that this sort of service was more important than all the ways we can be of service to friends, family, our community, and such.

In fact, in a way it was less important than those other ways, since service to the guru and his organization had a Me-Me-Me vibe to it. It wasn't really selfless service, because the sevadar doing the service supposedly was getting major benefits from serving the guru, God in Human Form.

Karmas were erased, easing the way for the soul to soar to higher supernatural regions of reality. The guru's grace was bestowed upon his servants. Detachment from worldly relations chaining us to this realm of illusion was made easier by attachment to the guru.

I'm not saying that other forms of service are free of self-righteousness, ego, and desire. A volunteer at a food bank may enjoy the feeling of doing something that others will applaud them for. That's human nature -- to care as much about ourselves as other people. 

But we can aspire to a purer form of service that is founded in love, not self-gain. I have that aspiration, even though I am a long way from achieving it. 

That's how I'm looking at the shoulder replacement surgery that my wife, Laurel, had today.

Ten years ago she had shoulder surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. After it became re-torn, Laurel engaged in a lengthy process of deciding whether to have another surgery or make do with a painful right shoulder that limited what she could do with that arm.

It wasn't easy to decide on a shoulder replacement. Just a few days ago Laurel was still having doubts about whether she was doing the right thing. In the end she answered "yes," which is how I went with her to a 7 am appointment for the surgery today. 

She drove us to the Salem Health outpatient surgery building, since that was the last time she'd be able to drive for at least a month, until her sling comes off. For the next 4-6 weeks I'm my wife's caregiver. Today and tomorrow, I'm giving her an especially large amount of care, given that Laurel is supposed to use an ice machine for 40 minutes on/20 minutes off for two days after her surgery to reduce inflammation.

I've already learned some things about myself. Not new stuff, really, just confirmations of my old stuff.

I enjoy bringing food and drink to Laurel. I like figuring out how the ice machine works and keeping it stocked with 12 bottles of frozen water (easier than using regular ice). I don't mind feeding and walking our dog twice a day rather than once a day.

I'm getting a fresh appreciation of the marriage vows "for better or worse, in sickness and in health." It's easier to love someone when things are better and healthier, but it's more satisfying when love works through tough times. 

Of course, I find myself starting to get irritated when, say, I'm trying to write this blog post and Laurel needs me to do something for her. I'm a creature of routine, and now my routine will be considerably different for a month or so. 

Which is good for me. I need some shaking up. Laurel, like most women, does more of our household chores than I do. Now it's time for me to serve her to a greater extent than I usually do. I don't have to fly off to India for this service, this seva. 

She's right in the next room, waiting for me to refill the ice machine with fresh water bottles to keep her shoulder cool through the night. 

Comments

[Jim Sutherland]

Brian, …..good luck with being your Wife’s Care Giver. My Wife slipped on the ice and broke her right shoulder in January 2024. I have been through every thing that you will face that is ahead of you. She not only will be unable to dress and undress her self alone, with out your help, but even be able to pull her pants down to sit on the John, or pull them back up when she gets back up, or might not even be able to wipe her Toosh with her left hand with out practice! You will also have to wash her hair, because she won’t be able to do it with one arm. My wife could not sleep in our bed, because she had to sleep only on one side, so slept in the Sofa for 6 months during the healing process. As for house work,….your wife won’t be able to do much, if any thing at all, such as open cans, bottles, cook, or any thing that requires 2 hands to do it. And she won’t be able to drive,…..until she learns how to steer with only one hand, and shift, etc. You both will get through it, during her healing process, but she will dread every session of Physical Therapy, and believe her Physical Therapist is her Torturer! When she does start driving again, using only one arm,….if your with her, close your eyes, and do Simran, because you will be paranoid , thinking she is going to wreck the car. I had Cataract surgery in both eyes, 2 weeks apart in April, and had to have my Wife drive me home after surgery both times, using only one arm. It was a 20 mile drive, and I already had an eye patch over one eye, but as soon as we were in traffic, I quickly had to close the other eye and start doing Simran , because I couldn’t stand to look out side!! She is pretty much healed as good as she will ever be now, but I can no longer ride with her while she is driving again, unless an emergency happens where I can’t drive! You will encounter many other little chores you will need to help your Wife with, as well, such as put her socks on, put her Sneakers on and tie them, as well as taking them off. But she will heal, eventually, and appreciate you more than she ever has,….IF, a big IF,..you keep your Cool under stress, when she becomes bitchy , and you didn’t get there quick enough when she called you, and couldn’t pull her pants down fast enough and crapped her pants, and you had to “lovingly” remove her soiled Undies and “take care of business!! “
There will be unending things you took for granted that she did, but no longer can do with out your help,…so be ready to become her on call Shadow during her healing process,
Good Luck. You’ll get through it.

Jim Sutherland

[Tej]

Hi Brian,
Sending you and Laurel healing vibes, may she recover soonest ✨🙏✨

[Appreciative Reader]

Why the doubt over whether to go for the surgery, is there some element of doubt about how it might turn out?

Either way, my good wishes for Laurel's recovery.

...Yep, staying confined like that for an extended period can be very trying. I've had two experiences of it. Two times my grandmother was down, once with a pelvic fracture that needed surgery, and another time over her knee, both times bedridden for around two to three months. And one time, I'd myself ended up hurting my ankle bad, completely twisting it over 180-degrees (heh, no need for all of the gory details of how of it!), and for a full month had to stay completely bedridden --- followed by an excruciatingly painful initiation back into walking, and physiotherapy as well, very very painful at first. ...So yeah, I have some idea, it can be very difficult for all concerned, for the patient, and their near and dear ones as well.

Good luck with all of that.

Of course, the one good thing about this kind of thing is that you get to catch up on your reading! The patient does, that is. Plus, and here's a suggestion you might enjoy, you can have great fun playing board games. That's something people usually don't manage to make time for, and yet when they do it can be great fun sometimes, depending on people's temperament and tastes.

[Gina]

💗 💗 💗

Beautiful post.

[sant64]

A doctor I deeply respect who did a lot of service said "You don't really get a big benefit from service unless it involves real hardship." I thought it was a strange comment, but it makes sense to me now.

A friend once visited a swami's talk. Someone there asked, "Swami, what is the meaning of life"??
The swami immediately replied "service!"

Service needs no argument. Those who do it notice the benefits. Those who try to take credit for their service lose those benefits.

[Raw Vegan]

Best blessed wishes to you both.
🪷🪷🪷🪷🪷

[Trez]

The biggest form of Seva is towards our nearest and dearest and not towards a Fake Guru like Gurinder Singh Dhilion and a Bad Cult like Radha Soami.

This Baba sits on stage and endlessly tells the sangat that they're loved ones are the root of evil and that we should break ties with them and follow his evil cult Radha Soami.

This is the most evil teachings one could teach and one should believe. Never believe Gurinder but watch his actions and they have spoken volumes.

How can they the ones we love be the root of evil?

It's this Gurinder Singh Dhilion who wants you to believe him so he can get you to do his dirty seva , physically and mentally.
What a leech.

A parasite who takes all you love for exchange of a lying baba

What idiot would do that?

Keep away from Scum like this and love and look after what you love and have while you have it.

Religions are the root of all evil and the cause of wars

Just look around

Radha soami and Gurinder Singh Dhilion are the worst of the worst

God you bless , best wishes to you both

[manjit]

This is another beautiful post!

[Kranvir]

Best wishes to you both Brian.

Isnt it funny how god realization for a cult involves so called seva, which is in reality cleverly disguised slavery. Ask yourself If god is all contentmant, why then does he need you to put effort in to please him? Is he that needy ? Seva is nothing but a trap , a spell, a false belief, that gurinder singh dhillon uses so people surrender their mind body, soul , their hard earned wealth, their family , their loved ones for a fat singh on stage just because he says you will go to heaven. You are told to keep working hard as it whipes your karma, only to expand gurinders rssb family empire? Can't you see the bullshite belief systems gurinder enforces? The reality is that seva is where egotistical, controlling individuals, that are chosen by the mafia boss gurinder, to exert abuse on the innocent masses while they them selves womenize , drink , and still think it's ok - rather like mini versions of gurinder dhillon. The clueless donkey baba is also training his nephew, jasdeep on mass manipulation, politics and acting skills. Both the fakes gurus and gurinder son recently visited the vatican where they bowed down and kissed the hand of the Pope , the real puppet master- It can't get any ridiculous. Gurinder your days are numbered