Tonglen seems like a good practice, if it is more than mental

Today I read a talk in Pema Chödrön's book, The Wisdom of No Escape, where she explained to her Buddhist retreat students what the practice of tonglen is all about -- something I'd never heard about before.

I found a web page where Chödrön describes tonglen in the same way as she did in her book. Check out "How to Practice Tonglen." Here's an excerpt.

Tonglen practice, also known as “taking and sending,” reverses our usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure. In tonglen practice, we visualize taking in the pain of others with every in-breath and sending out whatever will benefit them on the out-breath. In the process, we become liberated from age- old patterns of selfishness. We begin to feel love for both ourselves and others; we begin to take care of ourselves and others.

Tonglen awakens our compassion and introduces us to a far bigger view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness of shunyata (emptiness). By doing the practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being.

Tonglen can be done for those who are ill, those who are dying or have died, or those who are in pain of any kind. It can be done as a formal meditation practice or right on the spot at any time. If we are out walking and we see someone in pain, we can breathe in that person’s pain and send out relief to them.

This fits with another description of tonglen that I found. 

On the outbreath: soothing rays of light—like moonbeams—that fill the world with their benevolent healing power. On the inbreath: a smoky, pitch-like darkness. Inviting it in on the inbreath relieves the world of its negative presence. The darkness is transformed by your positive intention and the natural goodness of your heart.

There are many different versions of this practice, both traditional and modern. The simplest form is simply connecting motivation and breath while you meditate. You are essentially accepting the unpleasant and sharing the good.

As taught today, tonglen is often practiced in stages. After settling the mind in meditation, we choose an object of compassion: a person, animal, or group whose situation touches our hearts. We breathe in the smoky darkness of that specific distress, imagining that the object of our meditation is relieved of all difficulties, whatever they may be. We breathe out the soothing light of compassion; it touches the object of compassion, bringing comfort and peace. This is followed by a phase of expanding the visualization to others who experience similar distress. And expanding yet again until all suffering is alleviated and all goodness is shared.

The intentions here are admirable. However, even though I practice a form of loving-kindness meditation every day that similarly entails visualizing good things happening to both myself and other people, I have a problem with viewing tonglen as purely a form of visualization and imagination.

Both loving-kindness meditation and tonglen are pretty much worthless, in my decidedly personal opinion, unless the alleviation of suffering and the sharing of goodness are manifested in some physical fashion instead of just being mental.

I realize that many people believe in the reality of prayer. But prayer typically entails an appeal to God or some other supernatural power, which then supposedly may intervene in a situation described in the appeal, such as a person suffering from a serious illness.

OK, I don't believe in God, nor in the efficacy of prayer, but at least prayer usually is directed at altering something physical for the better. Tonglen doesn't appear to have that grounding. In her book, Chödrön says:

The essence of the practice is willingness to share pleasure and delight and the joy of life on the out-breath and willingness to feel your pain and that of others fully on the in-breath. That's the essence of it, and if you were never to receive any other instruction, that would be enough.

Like I said, this sounds fine to me, yet it doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe this is so obvious that it isn't stressed in tonglen practice, but if we don't actually act to relieve the pain of others and act to bring them pleasure, tonglen seems akin to a recipe for delicious food that never is actually made in the kitchen.

To offer an example from my own life, my wife and I, being in our mid-70s, have frequently wondered if we should continue to live in our house in rural south Salem, Oregon, that sits on ten non-easy-care acres.

I've been more willing to move into town than my wife is, even though I love where we are now about as much as she does. It's just clear to me that Laurel needs a lot of nature nearby, along with walking trails on bare earth rather than asphalt or concrete, more than I do.

I love Laurel. I want her to be happy. Currently, if we sold our house and moved into town, Laurel wouldn't be nearly as happy as she is now out here in the country. So I no longer bring up the question of moving, something I did in the past.

It isn't that I've become some sort of self-sacrificing saint. I simply feel better when I act in accord with what makes my wife happy. That isn't a sacrifice. It's a pleasure. Because I think there's a better moral adage than "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," the so-called Golden Rule. 

I want to do for Laurel what she wants done for her. Which is for us to stay in our current house for the foreseeable future. I don't see any point in visualizing or imagining Laurel being happy here. By not exerting any pressure on Laurel to move, I'm acting in a way that makes Laurel happier.

And that is the point of tonglen for me: using the mental as a springboard to physical action that makes life better for other people.

Comments

[um]

>> I want to do for Laurel what she wants done for her. Which is for us to stay in our current house for the foreseeable future. I don't see any point in visualizing or imagining Laurel being happy here. By not exerting any pressure on Laurel to move, I'm acting in a way that makes Laurel happier.<<

I have gone through what you wrote and certainly do agree with your conclusion that pleasure goes with being kind and understanding towards others and that you for that reason do not need anything in return let alone pressure another human being.

But than it goes on hammering in my mind....
What about Brian?
Should he not be looked after?
and
What is she doing in that marriage?
Is he there to be loved?
Is he her servant of love?

These are just "MY" questions that go on in "my" mind reading what you wrote in this public domain.... these questions do not need and answer, let us put that clear ... nor does it say anything, as it should not, about your marriage, and the ideas both of you entertain about it.

[um]

For every "gardener" it is a great pleasure to contribute to the welfare of his plants and does what he can to create circumstances, for each and every plant to exposes the individual "beauty"

But what about the gardener?

Does he not need, "light", "food" etc as his plants do??

[Ron E.]

From a naturalist point of view, whether it’s tonglen or metta bhavana or any other spiritual practice of wishing others and self well, it ultimately comes down to an act of self-interest. In wishing others well, the motivation has to come from the well wishers interests. To wish family, friends or others well stems from one’s own desire to primarily feel good and secure about oneself.

In nature, even altruistic behaviour has a self-motivated purpose. Equally, the sacrifices of human parents and partners are ultimately geared to species survival – even if toward the less-er goal of survival of the family rather than the species as a whole.

With other species it seems to be merely a case of passing one’s genes on to the next generation and ensuring their survival; with us humans it is also important in wishing the best for family and friends for us to feel psychological satisfied and secure. In other words, it is our old friend the self-structure (or ego if you like) that needs the peace of mind and security to know – or hope – that we are doing our best to support and nurture those who are dear to us. All very natural, whether it physical or psychological (feeling okay about ‘me’) survival.

Perhaps this is where spiritual or religious concept arise; to wish for something above nature, something that gives us meaning and hope that we are not just here to survive and pass on our genes – generally concepts that arise from our ‘self’ motivated fears of lack of meaning and annihilation.

[Spence Tepper]

Whatever practice uncovers the insight and the strength within each of us to understand and act for the good of all, and avoid harm to anyone, is a good practice.

Whatever takes us closer to that is good.

[Spence Tepper]

Hi Um
You asked
"But what about the gardener?

" Does he not need, "light", "food" etc as his plants do??"

They are cared for by their own Gardner, who, through them, provides light and food.

We care for each other, relying upon a greater strength, greater insight that is caring for us. Greater than any of us.

[um]

@ Spence

After the demise of my partners some years ago I have had ample time to reflect about our relationship, with lots of coffee and walks in the countryside.

That made me write:
And what about You, Brian.

Drinking coffee, an walking around, i came to understand many things, a kind of open book was presented to me, let us say more or less neutral, objective, just showing facts without values and meaning attached to them .. these facts got lost after her demise.

I am a human being Spence.

[Appreciative Reader]

Never heard of Tonglen, that was new. Sounds a lot like Metta.

As a psychological exercise, I can see how this might work, to an extent. But when it comes to aiming this thing at some specific person who's suffering from some specific thing, then, if the intent is to impact anyone other than the one doing the Tonglen thing: well, that's a lot like Reiki, and Sanjeevani Vidya, and frankly sounds completely woo. (I mean, if the idea of aiming the Tonglen at some specific person, entails the belief that that might help this other person, whom it's being aimed at.)

[SantMat58]

Sometimes you win, and sometimes you just have to admit you're wrong. And so, I've come to the realization, and the acceptance, that the the democrats are correct.
Outside of the bank records, the suspicious activity reports, the wire transfers, the Privat bank transactions, the LLCs, the texts, the emails, the WhatsApp messages, the photos of Joe with Hunter’s business partners, the voicemails to his son, the two business partners saying Joe is the “brand,” the “big guy,” and “the chairman,” the two whistleblowers testimony, the recorded phone calls between Biden and Poroshenko, the video of Joe Biden bragging about firing the Ukrainian prosecutor, and Hunter’s statements that he’s giving his dad half his income, there is NO evidence of Joe Biden being involved.

[manjit]

Tonglen, metta, or any formal or informal, structured or spontaneous, variation thereof is imo and ime an extraordinarily powerful "spiritual practice", the summum bonum of all "spiritual practices" and technologies.

Imo, it is not merely a "practice" but the very ground, path and fruition of all spiritual pursuits. In other words, it is not just a practice, but the very attainment of "sach khand", enlightenment or whatever itself. This is my very personal opinion and experience, there is no evidence or logic behind it... mainly just experience.

Any true experience of this would entail an automatic and resolute awareness of the emptiness of not letting such a "practice", or more rightly"experience ", not be reflected in all one's actions and behaviour in the world, day by day, second by second. Which is not to say we become perfect saints, but rather we are committed to trying to behave as skillfully with compassion and empathy as possible in what can be a very challenging world. With every failure to behave with love, compassion or empathy in heated or stressful moments comes an opportunity to reflect, apologise, recognise the "triggers" and try to react with less reactivity in future.

In other words, it is not an abstract distraction from our real life, but a constant awareness which influences all our behaviour, thoughts and emotions.

This "practice" expands one's sense of "self" until it contains the whole universe.

The world could do with more people engaging with this "practice" imo

But I must confess, this is just more words, words, words...🥱