How we talk online is much different from how we talk in person

Next year I'll celebrate the 20th anniversary from when I started this blog in 2004. But, hey, I figure that  I might as well spread out the festivities by making some observations from time to time about this here Church of the Churchless.

Like, right now.

The most important thing I want to say is gratitude. Over the years I've learned a great deal from the people who visit this blog and leave comments. Typepad, my blogging service, says there have been 70,198 comments on 3,390 posts. 

So that's about 21 comments, on average, per post that I've written. I read most comments, though if I'm busy, I'll just take a glance at a comment, especially if it's a lengthy one. 

Those comments are my blog's way of having a conversation -- with me, and with other blog visitors. I wish Typepad allowed for editing of comments by the people who share them, and that it was possible to organize the comments in a different fashion than in a chronological fashion.

But wishes aren't reality. Anyway, I deeply appreciate the time and effort people put into their comments, though obviously the quality varies from a high quality essay to random observations that make little sense.

Which is no different from the conversations all of us have in everyday life. But otherwise, there's big differences between how people communicate online versus in person. 

Online, many choose to not use their real name. I can understand why in certain circumstances. For example, on this blog criticism of a religious leader, or the religion itself, can be problematic if someone uses their real name and is still involved with the organization they're criticizing. 

That's why most people who write to me with an interesting story about their faith ask that I share it anonymously. The downside of anonymity, though, is that it enables people to say things in cyberspace that they'd be reluctant to say to someone face-to-face.

I'm definitely guilty of this myself at times. So if I'm directing a blog post or a comment at a specific person, I need to do better at visualizing that person standing in front of me as I say what I want to say about them.

Another problem with online conversations is that in ordinary life communication doesn't just involve words. It also involves a tone of voice, facial expressions, body language. And of course, an ability to say things like "I don't quite understand; please elaborate on what you meant when you said _______"

So its easy to misunderstand those with whom we interact online.

I like to express strong opinions. Many commenters on my blog posts also like to express strong opinions. So we’re going to feel misunderstood by other people at times. That comes with the territory of expressing strong opinions in a setting where only written words can be shared, not the other ways we use to communicate with people.

In a way it's surprising that comment conversations on this blog are as friendly and productive as they usually are, given how many obstacles there are to understanding another person in cyberspace.

But sometimes feelings get hurt. This is unfortunate, though often unavoidable. Partly it's due to different ways of communicating between men and women. I don't want to overemphasize this. It just seems like a reality to me. 

I talked about this in a 2005 post on my HinesSight blog, "Why men don't share their feelings."

“How’re you doing?” says Dennis as I walk into the Pacific Martial Arts changing room. Instead of replying with my habitual robotic “Fine, how’re you?” I have a crazy impulse to actually tell him. I’ll share my feelings!

“Well, my feet have been tingling for about a week. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve got an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow.” Without missing a beat (appropriately: Dennis is a drummer) I hear, “You’ve got a brain tumor. No doubt about it. You’re going to die.”

For the rest of our hour and a half training session, whenever I stop to check on how my feet are doing Dennis again says, “Oh yeah, you’ve got a brain tumor. Your time is up.”

Sensei Warren, our regular martial arts instructor, came in late. After telling him my tale of tingling feet I got a marginally better prognosis: “You’ve got diabetic neuropathy. No doubt about it. You’re going to lose your feet.” And I don’t even have diabetes.

Now, I know both Dennis and Warren care a lot about me. They demonstrated their manly concern by telling me that I’m either going to die or lose my feet. If one of them had given me a big hug and said “Don’t worry, everything is going to be all right,” I would have begun to worry that he had a brain tumor.

If I want sympathy, I’ll tell my troubles to my wife. From my marital arts buddies I get camaraderie and support that isn’t expressed in words. Dennis taught the class that evening. He started off by saying, “Let’s work on kicks tonight since your feet are giving you a problem.”

Which is what we did. For almost an hour. The unspoken message was, “Your feet are OK. Suck it up. This is no big deal.” That’s pretty much what the doctor said the next day: “Your feet look fine; I’ll do a blood test anyway; call me in a month if you’re not better.”

I'm sharing this anecdote because it points to a seeming fact: men are more comfortable with the rough-and-tumble of online communications because they're more used to joking around with each other in some rough ways.

This is fine.

But I worry when a woman shares something on this blog, then gets attacked in an intense fashion. Mostly or entirely by men. That's when I feel protective toward the woman, since I feel responsible for providing a safe space for people to share their ideas without feeling like they're in some sort of danger.

Well, those are my thoughts for tonight. Thanks for listening. I'll get back to a regular Church of the Churchless blog post soon.

Comments

[El]

I really enjoyed this post and find the jestful barbs amongst 'the boys' fun. If you grow up with brothers often neither men nor women know what to make of one's communication style.
Freudian slips are the highlights of life for me, I had a good one this week (which I summarily now have forgotten). But liked that you referred to your 'marital arts buddies' here. Thanks. I'm sure no-one will notice and hope it stays.
And you are breaking ground with this unusual location for a brain tumor.

[El]

Agreed, it would be significantly more logical and enjoyable if for instance replies to a comment was sorted under that specific comment for easy reading.
The ability to 'like' comments to indicate appreciation (or rate them by for instance giving it 1 to 3 stars) would be nice too.
Typepad leaves much to be desired for inculcating engagement, presumably bc there is no financial incentive.
(The ad-free environment is nice though!)

[Appreciative Reader]

19 years, and 3K++ substantial quality posts, often based off of solid reading --- that's truly remarkable.

It might be an idea to one day do a how-I-write piece, you know, like how writers sometimes discuss. How you derive your ideas, your "process", when and for how long you actually write, when and for how long you read.

While some writers do this, not everyone does, obviously, talk about their " process". Just an idea, is all. Only if you're comfortable doing a personal piece like this, and also if you yourself find value in it, which again you may or may not, this is such a personal thing.

But if you do, and if one day you do write a piece about your "process", then that would make for interesting reading.

[Appreciative Reader]

"So its easy to misunderstand those with whom we interact online."

..........So true, agreed 100%.

Actually, even IRL, not just with strangers but even with those whom we know, and sometimes even with those whom we know intimately, misunderstandings are frequent enough, about all sorts of things. As you say, with online communication as here, written text is all we have to guide us, and none of those many non-verbal cues that we tend to take for granted and not even notice, but that are so very important for effective communication, are available to us. That makes such text-only communication even more susceptible to misunderstandings.

Agreed, that may be one reason why online discussions are sometimes so acrimonious. (Not the only reason, though. But probably an important one.)

[Roger]

"So its easy to misunderstand those with whom we interact online."

I try hard to find understanding with those I interact with online. If confusion is possibly present, I simply ask some probing questions. Hopefully, such will reduce any misunderstandings. Probing questions, have value for me, when engaging with others with regards to business and regulatory issues.