Embrace everything about yourself, including the good, bad, and the ugly

I'm cured!

But before I get too excited over this news, I need to remind myself that what happened yesterday was, after three counseling sessions, Wayne, the counselor I was seeing, agreeing with me that there wasn't any need for me to continue seeing him.

What caused my therapeutic breakthrough is interesting, because it fits with the blog post I wrote about a week ago, "Zen'ish adage: when you're sad, be sad; when you're happy, be happy."

I mentioned that post to Wayne in the course of explaining my Big Realization. Namely, that the goal I'd written down at Wayne's request after our first session, which I brought to our second session, no longer made sense to me.

The details don't matter, which relate to a couple of nagging health problems I have. The broad goal is what's important, as this pertains to just about everyone. It was that I wanted to not feel upset when a health problem was going badly for me. Or at least, only minimally upset.

I told Wayne that I realized this didn't make sense. After all, it's natural to feel better when my life is going smoothly, and to feel worse when my life has some annoying problems. 

It struck me that what really had been bothering me wasn't so much feeling bad now and then when a health problem was more active, but a sense that I shouldn't be feeling that way. So I'd fallen into the common trap of being sad that I was sad, or angry that I was angry, or upset that I was upset.

Instead of just having a simple emotion -- sadness, anger, upsetness -- I now had a double dose of emotion: the original feeling, plus a secondary feeling caused by my reaction to the original. 

Wayne agreed with my take on this. It's better to accept unpleasant emotions, he said, rather than try to pretend that you're not feeling them, or otherwise submerge them under a fake facade of positivity.

I told Wayne that in his guided meditations, Sam Harris frequently observes that when an emotion like sadness, fear, or anger arises, the "half life" of the emotion is much briefer when it is felt intensely rather than pushing it away. Embracing the feeling burns it up quite quickly, instead of letting it smolder under a covering of repression.

This also is the message of a book I've just started reading, The Joy of True Meditation by Jeff Foster. I ordered it after seeing that Foster had created the cartoon You Tube video that makes fun of those who take nonduality and Advaita too seriously.

Checking out Foster's web site, I saw that he'd written a book about nonduality, so I ordered it. He starts off by talking about how he felt as a youth that he didn't belong anywhere and contemplated suicide in his darker moments even though he'd been admitted to Cambridge and was a star student.

He writes:

And then, one ordinary day, all my defences against life, all my resistance to being alive, all my conditioned protection against the pain and pleasure of raw experience, started to break down.

All the repressed unconscious material, all the thoughts and feelings and desires I had held down in order to appear 'normal' and 'civilised' started leaking, then pouring, then gushing into conscious awareness.

Pandora's Box had broken open inside of me. I could no longer run from the darkness within, no longer push life away and seek refuge in the conceptual mind; there was no longer any safe haven to be found there.

I was being called to face life. The joy, the terror, the rage, searing feelings of abandonment suppressed since childhood, waves of unspeakable grief -- I could no longer escape them now. Raw trauma had been unleashed inside, everything held back was now rushing into me, like an unstoppable torrent of life!

I thought I was going to die, convinced that I would not be able to tolerate the intensity of it all for another moment. 

But I did not die. In fact, I was beginning to heal. The old unhappy 'me' was beginning to break down. My no to life was burning up and my true self was coming alive. Something deep inside me was starting to say yes -- yes to being alive, yes to not knowing, yes to the joy and the sorrow of existence, yes to the mess of being an imperfect human being, yes to the darkness and the light, yes to all of it!

...This sense of being alive was so intense sometimes, I thought it would kill or damage or at least overwhelm me, or perhaps send me spiraling into a void I would never escape from.

But feelings are always safe. It is our defences that hurt so much. 

I will say that again. Our feelings are safe, no matter how intense they are. It is our tensing-up around our human feelings, our rejection and refusal of them, our unconscious efforts to destroy and annihilate and purify them inside of us, our shaming of our vulnerable inner life and the smothering of the inner child, which causes so much pain and suffering. Not the feelings themselves.

Comments

[Sonya]

“Our feelings are safe, no matter how intense they are. It is our tensing-up around our human feelings, our rejection and refusal of them, our unconscious efforts to destroy and annihilate and purify them inside of us, our shaming of our vulnerable inner life and the smothering of the inner child, which causes so much pain and suffering. Not the feelings themselves.”

Maybe this depends on the individual. If I get really angry (and my emotions are super intense) my toaster oven will spontaneously burst into flames (literally) and weird stuff like that. Of course, repressing feelings is just as bad. I think the key is to acknowledge your feelings and then work through them using rational thought.

[Spence Tepper]

The personal journey of exploration and growing awareness always starts with being a better observer in our meditation practice, which of itself can be the best form of therapy, because it isn't just about life, discussing around life, but is life itself.

To be an observer, naturally, one must allow all events to proceed as they are. Watching them proceed, we learn more about them. More about our feelings, more about our reactions, and more about what is under all that.

Feelings and reactions are on the surface. Observation of them, quietly, without comment, without voice but just observing, they can play out their scenario internally without our needing to physically act upon them (and create another round of worldly reaction that we must now respond to).

And then, they often fade away, or transition to something else. So long as we maintain our role as observer, we can watch all that surface behavior going on within us.

When things calm down we will notice two things. Deeper under the surface there are other things going on...other emotional fish, mental conceptual fish that swim up and now play on the surface.

They too, pass when we simply maintain our disciplined observation, recording them in our mental journal as they are. And the we notice the second thing beneath the surface:

Light. A light and joy that, from our place on the surface, we do not understand. But now we see and feel it, and even hear it, for she sings. Creation sings.

Then all the things that swam about on the surface, and all the things in our days to come that swim about on the surface mean nothing to us anymore. The light is there! And all that matters.

Then, when we practice we have our eye on that light, and our attention goes there, and the things on the surface that used to take so long to resolve, now simply evaporate in moments.

[um]

@ Sonya

>> If I get really angry (and my emotions are super intense) my toaster oven will spontaneously burst into flames (literally) and weird stuff like that. Of course, repressing feelings is just as bad<<

Hahahaha ... I have always considered myself as an master of arts, but after reading your words i do no longer deserve the black belt in anger fits..... hahaha.

Although, the anger fits are not good for the body, just to say the least, and certainly not for those to whom it is directed, these outbursts have an beauty of their own. To master its energy has always been great fun .. like steering as schip in a storm.

In course of time I had to let go of this human pleasure ... for the wellbeing of all concerned.

I wonder if I could still build up the energy for such an hurricane ... hahahaha

[Roger]

Seeking approval from others is an unhelpful trait based in egocentricity.

You create your own place in this world by stepping into it and engaging with it on your own terms and in accord with your own abilities.
You cannot be other than you are in now-ness, but the actuality of causality always provides the opportunity for you to develop, to improve your knowledge, your skills and your abilities if you engage with the world as an on-going learning opportunity.
To do that simply to please others or seek their approval demeans the opportunity to realize your potential for authenticity.

Think your kindest thoughts. Speak your kindest words. Make your actions kind. When you do this, you will be aware that your conscience is clear and the mind will be at peace with itself, others and the world around it.

[TENDZIN]

Topic: acceptance.

Hi, I'm an atheist. I no longer believe in God or any religions, and I feel that people who do are silly and childish ignorami. I spend much of my free time letting people know it.

Yet I also spend the other portion of my free time searching for new books on religion, because I'm still looking for a new religion to believe in.

Maybe I shouldn't part with my therapist just yet, at least before I write another essay on emotional honesty.

[Sonya]

@um

The power of the mind is both highly overrated and underrated at the same time. I’m not really sure why some people have more “influence ability” than others but I do know that your power can burn you just as easily as it burns others.

I guess it all equals out in the end. Whatever you do, just be sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.

I find it incredibly easy to influence others (which scares me when I think how easily shaped people are) and at the same time I can get burned very easily when I let my negative emotions get the best of me. It’s neither good nor bad, it just is what it is.

We are so fragile as human beings. I think that’s my biggest takeaway… at least at this stage in my life.

It’s really challenging to always do the right thing ALL of the time. It’s very, very difficult at times, and yet you have to remind yourself that it’s not all about YOU. Everyone has people in their lives that are counting on them… and that’s what really matters.

[Spence Tepper]

Have a practice to stay centered, and to raise your consciousness. Have something or someone you love more than yourself, that you aspire to.

No one is perfect, but in times of difficulty it is a rock to stand upon, knowing that you are moving forward, and not backwards. Knowing that you are not alone, and that help is within.

We are not alone. We have just gotten used to ignoring the voice of our own conscience. And that is where fear and anxiety emerge, sensing we have a disconnect with ourselves.

But going back to that center reconnects us. Hence the necessity of practice. Living there, at that calm, balanced center even in the greatest turmoil, is our greatest achievement.

[Spence Tepper]

It does not matter that we fall. A child must go through falls in order to walk, in order to run.
What matters is that we get back up, refocus, recenter, and continue walking.

[um]

@ Sonya

What a pitty, I wrote an response and then pushed the wrong button and everything was gone ... the universe doesn't want me to write in that way.. hahaha

Well .. let me at least thank you for what you wrote, it was a pleasure of recognition and agreement.

And .... please do read your own words in the last paragraph again ... without the word ..."RIGHT"

[um]

@ Sonya

A child has to learn a language. In the proces of learning, it has to do things as others do, in order to use that language correctly in a given society. But .. once mastered the language, the child can use it as he or she deems fit Then there is no longer right or wrong .. but .. the child has to bear the consequences.

The same hold s for the development and eventual mastering of any other human talent or capacity. The proces is well visible in seeing a masterclass on TV on playing, say a cello. The students in the class, all show more or less anxieties etc. Their faces speak of right and wroing doing and the fear thereof in their own eyes and that of others. The master never shows those feelings. What has he mastered? What is the difference between him and his students? Is it the amount of talen? Mostly not as there are often students in his class that are more gifted. Is it the amount of development of that talent? No, not event that as some have developed their talent even further than he did. Then what did he master? Well, I think he gave up the notion of doing things "right". He has lost the fear of whta his activities are seen in the eyes of others and is able and willing to accept the consequences of his actions.

From whom does an individual have to learn to be a "right" crow??

We are all alone, on our own journey and nobody can do the walking nor the talking for us, nobosy.

That said ... it is always a great pleasure to enjoy walking the path of live with a nindred soul.

In the poem that was once send to me by good friend that departed last year, it says

I wish you joy of heart to day and many a comrade, staunch and true to TRAVEL through the years WITH you ... etc

We have to travel alone ... and .. we can...
snake oil sellers only tell you that you need their help.
And .. again ... good compagny is a pleasure to be grateful for.

[Dungeness]

@ Tendzin : [ Yet I also spend the other portion of my free time searching for new books
on religion, because I'm still looking for a new religion to believe in. Maybe I shouldn't
part with my therapist just yet, at least before I write another essay on emotional honesty. ]

IMO we go on rejecting new religions till we find a way to prove
one. That has to occur within yourself. A holy man/woman on
a stage... conjuring words of wisdom for an hour or so to an
adoring throng, then departing... will prove hollow in the end.

We have to be left with a parting gift. Something so wondrously
strong that it's there 24x7... that it empowers us to know who
we are and what's within... and not somewhere outside.

[Sonya]

@um

I like that poem. 😊

Well… the problem with humanity is that we’re all connected. Actually that’s the the problem—the problem is that we’re all CONNECTED and we don’t realize how truly connected we are. I sort of subscribe to the Buddhist philosophy on this one—none of us is truly free until we’re all free.

If you think about this one thing for a really long time and look at it from every angle you’ll start seeing the world a little differently. And that one thing is this: God (the Source) loves every single person exactly the same. He does not love anyone more or less than another. He cares for everyone equally. He hears everyone’s prayers. He’s concerned about everyone’s struggles.

Think about that for a long time. Just sit with it for a while. You’ll start to see that we’re all the same. We are connected and if we don’t fully understand or honor that connection then we become ill.

The body is connected. If blood stops flowing to any part of the body then that part will die. And the body needs all of its parts work together in order to be a healthy body. Blood symbolizes love. If we lose it, we start to die. No one can live without love. And if we don’t recognize the value that God places on every soul then we can’t understand what love is.

[Sonya]

There’s a beautiful prayer in ACIM that goes like this:

“Father help me to see my brother as you see him.”

If we could do that then we’d be a lot more understanding and patient with each other. If we could do that that we’d be a whole lot less judgemental. We project our own short comings on others all the time. The only way to be less self-critical is to be less critical of others.

[Dungeness]

@ Brian [ Spiritual teachings that tell us to extinguish our anger completely, that judge anger to be a categorically 'negative' and 'destructive' emotion, or call it 'unhealthy' or even 'unspiritual', can be very misleading teachings indeed. ]

I agree with the spiritual caution that anger can be harmful both physically and mentally.
So it's healthier to mitigate its force through mindfulness and understanding. If that's not
done, and it's repressed, that becomes unhealthy as Foster says. Quietly stored away,
anger's force can and often does grow malignant. The thoughts that fueled its genesis
are now out of sight and escape further observation. They bounce about in an undying
echo chamber of its own making.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." ~William Shakespeare

[Anger is life, a powerful expression of the vital life force that infuses and flows through and animates all things, and must be honoured as such. ]

Agree... thoughts need to be captured mindfully, their power noted, then released
so mindfulness can turn again to equipoise.

[We don't want to be consumed by it, identified with it, blocked by it, or lose ourselves to it. We want a healthy -- and even loving -- relationship with this most powerful and fiery of friends. ]

Agree though I think anger would be better described as a "fiery emotion". The
real friend is the loving force that observes and establishes a relationship with it.

[um]

> I agree with the spiritual caution that anger can be harmful both physically and mentally.
So it's healthier to mitigate its force through mindfulness and understanding.<

Anger is like a tornado, born out of circumstances, that are not related to the tornado, as such.

The tornado cannot be handled, but the circumstance that give rise to it, can, so that the tornado can not be born.

"Suffering" the power of anger I have done many things that you name as "mitigating its force" and surprise surpise, I also jumped into the suggestion that meditation could be of help, only to find out that after the the silence of the eye in the tornato had passed, the power had magnified to an almost unhandlabel force.

First I understood by obsevation that there is a road to the birth of an tornado, an road with many traffic lights. Then I realize that one of these trafficlights was also a point of "no return". Once passed that point there was nothing that could be done to prevent the anger to erupt.. With that knowledge I managed to work around many of these fits but was still vulnerable when not attentive enough to the traffic lights.

Only later, after some coincidences, that I do not want to discuss here, I re-directed my attention no longer to myself and the anger and its effects, but on the circumstances that gave birth to my anger outside myself.

In the process of studying the other person to whom the anger was directed, understanding what he/she did and why, gradually the need to become angry vanished.

Finally ... there are different sorts of anger. One of them is also to be found with what we call mystics or saintly people. It is rarely seen and not destructive at all, in contrary.

And ... nobody can and should fight the forces of nature, as he has neither the understanding nor the power, to do so.... but ... he certainly can escape from them. hahahaha

[Dungeness]

@ um [ In the process of studying the other person to whom the anger was directed, understanding what he/she did and why, gradually the need to become angry vanished. ]

i agree but first you must look within to identify the genesis of the anger.
It comes from within us initially, not somewhere else. Then, passing into
the "eye" of the storm, you empower yourself to see and understand
more of the storm's dynamics. You mitigate the storm's damage.

[ And ... nobody can and should fight the forces of nature, as he has neither the understanding nor the power, to do so.... but ... he certainly can escape from them. hahahaha ]

Er, everyone can and should "fight" the weaknesses he finds within
himself however powerful they seem. That's the start of all our battles.
Then there's a secret, serene place we observe from... our fortress
where we can resist any and all enemies. It's that "eye" of the storm.

"A saint is only a sinner who never gave up." --unknown mystic

[zenjen]

Taoism

“Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings
but contemplate their return.

If you don't realise the source,
you stumble in confusion and sorrow.
When you realise where you come from,
you naturally become tolerant,
disinterested, amused,
kindhearted as a grandmother,
dignified as a king.
Immersed in the wonder of the Tao,
you can deal with whatever life brings you,
And when death comes, you are ready.”
― Chuang Tzu"

“We are born from a quiet sleep, and we die to a calm awakening”
― Chuang Tzu

“If you have insight, you use your inner eye, your inner ear, to pierce to the heart of things, and have no need of intellectual knowledge.”
― Chuang Tzu