I'm more proud of being married for 32 years than of being religious for 35 years

Today is our anniversary. Easy to remember, since Laurel and I got married on St. Patrick's Day, 1990. That makes 32 years we've been husband and wife. Or as Laurel might say, wife and husband. 

Whenever I look at our wedding photo, naturally I think, Damn, we looked so young back then! Well, yeah, that's what 32 years will do to you. Forty-one is way younger than seventy-three.

Another thing 32 years of being married will do is teach you a lot. (Actually, I've been married for 50 years, since my first marriage lasted 18 years; Laurel had never been married before.)

My theory is that if Buddha had really wanted to learn how to be selfless, he should have gotten married rather than going off on his own as a wandering sadhu, seeking his own spiritual development. 

Enlightenment is easy compared to living harmoniously with someone for a long time. Not completely harmoniously, of course. If two people always got along perfectly, I doubt they would be human. More like robots, since friction comes with every close relationship.

When I met Laurel, I was smitten not only by her beauty and wonderful personality, but also by how easily she and I could talk with each other.

And not just about easy subjects. Difficult ones also. 

I'm convinced that the key to a satisfying marriage, or indeed any relationship, is honest communication. Two people are going to disagree about many things. Laurel and I frequently debate whether we should do this or that.

But we rarely lose our temper with each other. Sometimes, just not often. We listen to each other. We do our best to compromise. We understand that while we have a lot in common, we also see the world differently.

Which is natural.

If two people were exactly alike, they wouldn't be in a relationship, but in something else that defies description, since it is impossible for two humans to be completely identical -- even identical twins.

By contrast, during the 35 years I believed in God, eastern religion variety, I never had a disagreement with God. Sure, that was because there's no sign of God. Impossible to have an argument with a nonexistent being.

So when religious believers are all proud because they have a personal relationship with God, I laugh at their folly. They have a personal relationship with an imaginary God. 

It's hugely easier to get along with a fantasy companion than with a real life companion.

This is why I look upon my 32 years of being married to Laurel as being much more of an accomplishment than the 35 years I was devoted to a guru and the God he taught his disciples to worship.

Comments

[Spence Tepper]

Even a marriage depends upon some degree of fantasy. Perhaps the great marriages are those with the most fantastic imaginings.

We are living in a controlled hallucination, after all.

But whatever gives one peace and happiness is worthy of respect, whether a marriage to a beautiful partner, or to Christ, or to an idea whose time has come.

Happiness is its own truth, and life is short.

Life teaches us different lessons. What feels absolutely wrong for one person may just be what the doctor ordered for another.

People who don't fit into the world may fit perfectly into the greater realms of spirit, which are entirely unknown to the rest.

One size does not fit all.

We only know our own experience of things, even our own interpretation of information. But what is unknown is a mystery to us all. Presumptions about the unknown are conjectures at best.

Marriages work best when partners don't presume to know each other but instead discover each other anew, and are willing to learn about each other all the time, to ask, to listen, to hear, to see.

So it is with our marriage to God, Truth, and every element of reality. Our respect and love for truth is reflected in our willingness to learn at any age that what we thought Truth in years past is not Truth, just our experience of it at the time.

Truth is relative in the sense that what works for one person may be different than what works for another.

We are constructed in similar fashion, but we interpret things based upon our different conditioning. If we explore, in time we may discover the Truth of what is in us.

But that is its own limited life, limited profession. It is only for those suited to it, and certainly not necessary for most lives.

[Tej from Bangkok]

Happy Anniversary to the both of you!:-)

[Spence Tepper]

I would say that whatever one loves truly is never a source of personal pride, but respect. And gratitude.

[Appreciative Reader]

Congratulations! My best wishes for the lovely couple.

---

Absent any and every kind of subtext, and merely in response to (one small part of) what you've written: He was indeed married, was the Buddha. That's kind of iconic, as much a cliche as the manger tableau or the nailed-to-the-cross pose, the part where he leaves his sleeping young wife and son, and steals away into the night. Many find that super inspiring, while some find what he did appaling. Regardless: The idea was to fill him to the brim with that kind of attachment -- and, in younger years, the more colorful kind of attachments. -- so that the more somber hues of life wouldn't influence him, as it was prophesied they would. As it happens, they did, nonetheless, and, for better or for worse, he ended up doing what he did.)

[arun marwah]

Wish you Peace, Love and Happiness for years to come. As long as both of you live.

[S]

Love is love.

[7]

Is your first wife, still devoted to Charan ?

7

[Ron E.]

Happy anniversary to you both. Yes, marriage is a good life teacher; in fact, I guess relationships of all kinds have the potential to teach – particularly about ourselves. That is of course if we are aware enough to see the moment-to-moment mirror that is being presented. But it’s not that straight forward.as is the case with many intentions, particularly with something as ambiguous as self inquiry where we start off with all sorts of goals and aspirations.

Although having practiced in the Eastern traditions I certainly have no advice to give anyone. My way is that of a naturalist, that is, I favour the POV that natural laws and forces (as opposed to supernatural ones) only operate in the universe. Of course, insights from the worlds of science, philosophy and art are appreciated as are the valuable inputs from some Eastern thinkers. Nature has revealed much to me, particularly my relationship to my own life – for which I give thanks.

As last night: To step out into the still night, to see the moon and stars shining in a clear sky; the still, silence of leaves in the trees; and for a short time not to be engaged in following the thoughts and words that arise; just to be engaged with – this.

[TENDZIN]

I left Eckankar many years ago because I found out that its founder lied about so many things. When I say "lies," I don't mean differences of opinion with the guru about philosophical topics like whether karma is really a thing or whether God exists. I mean a long list of deliberate falsehoods regarding his biography, his claims of spiritual experiences and authority, his plagiarism, and the threats he made against those who left Eckankar "for any reason."

And so I feel I understand those who feel resentment when they were members of a cult. I define cult here as a deliberate act by one person to create a religion and put himself at the head of it not because he actually believed in his message, but for kicks, chicks, money, and fame. And so I sympathize with former members of 3HO a good example of what I mean by a cult created by a cult leader, the atrocious Yogi Bhajan.

What I don't understand is mocking people simply because they have religious beliefs. Nor do I understand patting oneself on the back for being smarter than religious people.

But perhaps it has something at root in common with what I and others experienced with Eckankar or 3HO or Maharaj Ji or Da Free John. That is, a deep resentment about trusting another person with your very heart and life, and investing years in a relationship with a spiritual authority who seems to be not all one imagined he was in our callow youth.

That might be something worthwhile to write about. But these endless essays of "religion bad, religious people stupid" are none too clever.

[Ron E.]

Here’s a short piece from a book I was looking at this morning; relates to this thread on relationships. It’s from Dainin Katagiri and refers to the Zen attitude re relationships: - “There are two discourses on the sangha by the Buddha that appear contradictory. In one he speaks of the virtues of living in solitude. In the other he says we should find a wise and good friend with whom we can walk through life. But these teachings aren’t actually contradictory. Both refer to the spirit of self-discovery, coming to the realisation that you live with all beings and that your life is inseparable from those others.

To live in solitude is to live with the understanding that there is nothing to depend on. Ordinarily this realisation means great suffering for us because, according to our usual sense of things, we try to depend on things outside ourselves that we can hold fast to. But when viewed more deeply, we can see that suffering occurs only because we see ourselves as separate in the first place.”

[Manoj]

Being in a lovely relationship with the one you love can be one of the most wonderful experiences, of being a human being.

Wasting a life on a religious hypocite like Gurinder Singh Dhillion and walking down memory lane on the evil Radha Soami path can not be expressed in the emotions one can go through to express his dreadful experiences on this delusional oppressive way of life.

Which can not only end in one wasting ones life but ones insanity too

In the end when the truth finally comes out about the Selfish little stage ridden parrot Gurinder Singh Dhillion one has remorseful regrets to how and why it all happened. But its too late for one as hes trapped in a cycle of endless regretful thought patterns which eat at the core of ones soul.

This is a very self calculating path with a selfish end to what a self made fake n fraudulent Billionaire baba like Gurinder Singh Dhillion can gain in his small immoral lifetime.

To pay way for his 2 sons who enjoy the perks of they're Fraudster Baba papa.

Keep away from the lie he's so willing to give you and see beyond the false persona of Kaal and set yourself free.

Happy Anniversary & Congratulations!
Live Happy, Live Free :)

[Sonya]

Congratulations!! I was a Satsangi for 14 years and married to one for 20 years. Both relationships ended. Not sure which was worse. 🤔

[Hiho silver]

Karma is karma
It happens to the best and worst of all
No getting away from it

[Sonya]

@Hiho
It’s so cliche though, husband leaves middle aged wife for younger woman. Luckily I don’t have as much pride as I used to, otherwise it would be even more painful. A friend said, “wisdom will get you through this”.

[umami]

What's that story about men at a tea stall?
The most beautiful woman walks by. Stunning! Ethereal! A young man can't take his eyes off her, "Who is she??? I will not sleep until she's mine!" An old guy brushes his arm and groans, "Brother, that's my wife, and let me tell you, since marrying her I haven't rested one minute."

[Sonya]

@umami
The grass is always greener… especially in spring. 🙄

I’ve been in bed for 3 days. I’m probably going to stay in bed the rest of the week or two. I’ve learned from past experiences you can sleep your way out of these types of things. Years ago, at the end of a relationship I stayed in bed for 6 weeks. Eventually I woke up and said, ok I can do this.

Some people stay busy to forget their pain. I curl up into a fetal position. It works… but life gets put on hold for a bit.

[Sonya]

Karma is karma
It happens to the best and worst of all
No getting away from it

Posted by: Hiho silver | March 20, 2022 at 07:46 PM

Wait, is this your way of saying I “deserve” it?? He took/stole a large amount of money from my account to get an apartment. He just took it. I got a notification. Is this how satsangis behave? Can I just blame it on the fact that he’s a satsangi and be done with it??

[Spence Tepper]

Hi Sonya!
Sorry to hear about your marriage difficulties and in particular the poor behavior of your soon-to-be-ex.

The end of a twenty year marriage is a major life event.

I wish you profound moments peace, insight and strength as you move through all that this transition means, and the necessary time to transition through it.

Do you have social support from family or friends to help?

[Todd]

Buddha WAS married.

[Sonya]

Buddha WAS married.

Posted by: Todd | March 28, 2022 at 12:02 PM

And that’s why he said, life is suffering. 😅

Just kidding. Single or married—people can be happy either way.