Thoughts on a good death

Over on my HinesSight blog, yesterday I wrote "My wife's sister died today. It was a good death." I'll copy it in here.

We're all going to die. That's 100% certain. Death follows life with a cosmic inevitability. The big question is: Will we die a good death?

This morning my wife, Laurel, learned that her older sister, Lynn, had died last night. Naturally there were tears. But not much sorrow. Because Lynn died a good death. 

In fact, a very good death. Exactly the way most of us would want to go, Laurel and I definitely included.

Lynn and her husband, Randy, had driven to Colorado from their home in Kentucky. Randy took her there as a romantic gesture. 

He had proposed to Lynn in Colorado. That's where they went on their honeymoon. 

Lynn had some health problems. However, she wasn't feeling bad on their Colorado trip. Last night she and Randy walked around the town where they were staying.

Sometime during the night Randy felt Lynn slumped against him in bed. He tried to wake her up. Then he realized she wasn't breathing. He called 911. Efforts to resuscitate her failed. 

Death sucks. Even when you're in your mid-70s, Lynn's age. Life is precious. Nobody wants to die so long as life seems worth living, 

Yet when death comes, most of us fear the suffering that often accompanies a person's last days more than dying itself. 

That's why Lynn had a good death. To die in your sleep while on a romantic getaway with your spouse -- that's a fine way to say goodbye to life.

No suffering. No lengthy period of physical decline. No beeping monitors in an ICU. Just going to sleep and not waking up.

Who knows? This could happen to any of us. Like, tonight. Or, tomorrow. Yesterday Lynn had no idea she was going to die. That's wonderful. 

To be alive one moment and dead the next, without a lengthy string of moments in-between marked by fear, anxiety, regret, or other negative emotions that afflict many dying people, that's a very good death.

Comments

[Sonia]

Very sorry for your loss. 😔

Lynn and her family were very fortunate she didn’t have to suffer. It’s rather unusual these days… the advances in medicine have been able to prolong people’s lives quite considerably but at what cost? There’s a time to be born, a time to die.

[Appreciative Reader]

"Yet when death comes, most of us fear the suffering that often accompanies a person's last days more than dying itself. "

.......Speaking for myself, the former is the *only* thing I would, well, fear, be uncomfortable about, whatever. The latter would be something to look forward to, with curiosity, maybe with some degree of excitement, to find out what might come after --- while fully expecting nothingness, cessation.

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"That's why Lynn had a good death. To die in your sleep while on a romantic getaway with your spouse -- that's a fine way to say goodbye to life. (...) No suffering. No lengthy period of physical decline. (...) To be alive one moment and dead the next, without a lengthy string of moments in-between marked by fear, anxiety, regret, or other negative emotions that afflict many dying people, that's a very good death."

.......Absolutely, it was every bit a "good death". We should all be so lucky.

RIP, I guess --- speaking figuratively, not literally.

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(Incidentally, we might do well to build up a vocabulary of terms that reflect an absence of superstitions and blind faith in such things "resting in peace", and the many other theistic terms that we keep using "figuratively". ....Until we do, though, I suppose we can keep using these cliches. Although cliches, although meaningless, nevertheless long usage does lend terms like these a certain gravitas, a certain appropriate-ness. No doubt any new terms we fashioned would sound superficial and frivolous, at least to begin with, and at least when speaking of such things as death.)

[Appreciative Reader]

"It’s rather unusual these days… the advances in medicine have been able to prolong people’s lives quite considerably but at what cost?"

.......That's a very insightful observation, Sonia. Very true, the greatly enhanced longevity that is the blessing that modern medical science has given to us, sometimes does turn out to be a curse.

My girlfriend's father passed away a few years ago, after a few months of ....well, cutting-edge treatment would be one way of describing it, but another and perhaps more apt description would be, quite simply, 'torture'.

Absolutely, I'd say it's far far preferable to go out without suffering and while still in full possession of one's faculties and one's dignity, rather than somehow add some months or even some years at the cost of ...well, the term "quality of life" sums it up I suppose.

But of course, that's an individual decision. Someone else may well prefer life at any cost to death, and of course, no one else is qualified to pronounce what is right or not for oneself, in this context.

So that the answer, I suppose, is to go in for a living will.

[El]

Thank you for sharing this somewhat personal but beautiful message with us. It is a privilege to be let into your family's heartache.The sadness of this event is spectacularly overshadowed by its profundity. There's nothing fortunate about losing a loved one you'd rather keep, but if it just had to happen, this is a most blessed version. I'm sorry for Laurel's loss of her sister Lynn, and very sorry for Randy's loss of his wife, as well as the accompanying shock and the sorrow (and irony) of checking out from a romantic trip alone. Sending lots of love to Randy and family. 💟

[Sonia]

@Appreciative Reader,

A living will is a smart move. Not sure anyone wants to be kept alive in a vegetative state, or one where the quality of life can best be described as “torture”. But that’s what we often end up doing to our loved ones because we can’t bear to let them go. Sometimes we hold on to people selfishly.

I’m very happy for Lynn, sorry for Laurel and Randy. However, the manner in which she died will hopefully give them a little bit of peace. We should all be so lucky.

[Sonia]

You’re not going to appreciate this very much, but I usually feel a strange sense of peace when someone passes. It feels as if the doors to heaven have opened and I get to experience it for a little while as I think about the one who has passed. There have been some exceptions though. Like when my maternal grandmother died (I’m convinced she hung around a little while just to see who showed up at the funeral), and when my paternal grandfather died I didn’t feel anything at all. My grandmother was a saint. My grandfather wasn’t. He might still be haunting the basement of their old house… And then when my brother’s best friend committed suicide last year I felt immense sadness for weeks. It came as an absolute shock to everyone. He didn’t have a history of depression and didn’t leave a note. I’d known him since he was a kid. Just total shock.

Anyway, I feel good about Lynn… if that helps. :)

[Solomon]

What happens when we die -

a monologue from Netflix's Midnight Mass

https://youtu.be/qmCoYMc1ESQ

[Sonia]

What happens when we die -

a monologue from Netflix's Midnight Mass

https://youtu.be/qmCoYMc1ESQ

Posted by: Solomon | October 03, 2021 at 06:50 PM

Wow. Perfectly said.

[manjit]

Hi Brian,

Turning up late but thanks for this beautiful post. I'm glad it was a "good death"!

We may fundamentally disagree ideologically, but knowing you mentioned having netflix, I imagine you may appreciate this and it's easily accessible:

https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/80987903

Whilst the whole season of Midnight Gospel is great, I'm referring to the final episode 8. This was probably the most moving and beautiful audio-visual depiction on/of the subject of birth, life, death, grief, love, compassion etc I have ever seen, very highly recommended.

Whilst it is a "psychedelic" cartoon (beautifully rendered, imo), it is actually real audio of Duncan Trussell speaking with his mum, who is dying of cancer at the time. Absolutely beautiful.

I would be interested in how you find it, critical or not - it's been more than a year since I saw this, but I would imagine it would be hard to not be moved by it, whatever your beliefs.......