Regret is a form of mental time travel

Regret is one of the more interesting emotions. Assuming that is what it is, an emotion. 

I find that regret isn't like happiness, sadness, anger, love, or any of the other emotions with an obvious feeling component. 

Regret is more subtle.

It's like a raw ingredient for other emotions such as sadness or anxiety. Cooked in a certain way, regret can turn into an unpleasant emotional stew, though by itself regret often is rather cerebral.

The foundation of regret is feeling that I should have done something differently, even though at the time I did that thing, it seemed like the right thing to do.

That's a complex sentence. 

I'm pretty sure only humans feel regret. Other animals probably lack the ability to mentally time travel that regret requires. 

If I simply did something that turned out badly, I'd just be disappointed. 

Like when I played competitive club tennis. I'd know that I lost the match because of too many double-faults when I was serving. OK, you can't win them all. No big deal.

But adding in the time travel of regret changes my disappointment into something more disturbing 

Brian, you fool, if you hadn't double-faulted at game point when it was 5-5 in the second set, you would have won the match.

Now I've both gone back in time to remember that screw-up, and also gone forward in time to an alternative reality where my double faults didn't exist, and maybe even turn into aces.

My regret is that I'm stuck with what actually happened, instead of the imagined better happening if I hadn't done what I did -- double-fault too much.

Of course, there's no guarantee that I would have won the match even with zero double faults. 

My opponent might have won regardless. So it's difficult to see the positive side of regret. I can learn from my mistakes without feeling that if I hadn't made them, everything would have turned out fine. 

I don't know that. 

And even if somehow I could know that, I didn't know at the time I was making a mistake. If I had, I wouldn't have done what I did, because who likes mistakes?

So regret rears its ugly head when I envision myself in the present doing what I didn't actually do in the past, even though back then I had no idea I should have been doing something differently.

Laying out the logic (or illogic) of regret in this way makes it seem like a crazy way for my mind to act. 

Which is why I'm writing a blog post about regret. I know that I don't like the sensation of regret, but it's been difficult for me to figure out how to stop feeling regretful. 

Regret is kind of like pressing on a sore spot. I realize that this isn't a wise thing to do, but the painful sensation has a certain pleasure to it. 

What I just said doesn't make a lot of sense, even to me, though it seems true.

Rather than trying to explain how something painful can be pleasurable, I'll head off in a different direction for my final paragraphs.

I was baptized as a Catholic.

For a few years in elementary school my mother had me go to a lunchtime catechism with black clad nuns while my Protestant schoolmates got to frolic in the playground.

I made it as far as first communion before flaming out on confirmation. Going to confession was, I believe, a requirement for the first communion. 

Being in first or second grade, I didn't have much to confess. I recall the priest asking, "Have you been going to mass every Sunday?" No, I told him. Ah... a sin! 

"Say three Our Father's and two Hail Mary's," I was told, the exact number being lost to my memory. 

I did just that, in what, in retrospect, was a form of regret. I wasn't able to take myself to Sunday Mass, so there was no way I could have done anything different than what my mother had me do.

Yet I still had to confess to a failing even though prior to confession I had no idea that I'd done something wrong. 

I can't say that repeating the prayers was pleasurable. However, I can see how confession could become a way of coping with regret. 

The confessor tells the priest something that, in retrospect, wasn't a good thing to do.

Ordinarily regret would ensue, but since the priest forgives the sin in exchange for, in my case, a few prayers, the pain of regret is lessened or eliminated by the pleasure of scratching the sore of sin through confession.

Maybe writing this blog post is something vaguely similar --  a way to come to grips with the nature of regret by delving into it more deeply than I've ever done before.

Comments

[S]

Wow! This is a great blog post!

Interesting comment about how painful sensations can bring pleasure to some people. Gossip, conspiracy theories, playing the victim, dwelling on what you wish you had instead of being grateful for what you do have. As human beings we can easily get into a rut and start looping the same negative images through our minds even though they make us feel down. If you can choose what you focus your attention on, then why choose to focus on the negative?

There’s some bizarre psychological reward for it. But that “reward” is always ultimately destructive. I guess bad habits are hard to break. Adopting new thought patterns takes work. Much like overcoming inertia.

When I say I have no regrets I simply mean that there’s nothing I want that I do not have. There are many things I’ve done in the past that I have no desire to repeat. I could have lived my life very differently and perhaps be more successful by the world’s standards, but I definitely don’t believe that would make me happier than I am today so what’s the point?

Then again, some things are really hard not to regret. Like if you were driving on a dark country road late at night and accidentally fatally hit someone. I know a girl that did this. Her family was very wealthy so she didn’t spend anytime behind bars. But that sort of thing would be hard to mentally let go of. Regardless, is was an accident. It was a lot more serious accident than say a fender bender but an accident nonetheless. You don’t beat yourself up for getting into a car wreck, but if someone is seriously injured it becomes a different story altogether. Even if the other car hit you—you’d think I should have done this or I should have done that to prevent being hit in the first place and then no one would have gotten hurt.

But that’s not going to change anything. Regrets don’t change anything. They add to your problems. If you make a mistake, regret it just long enough to vow to never do it again. And then let it go. Otherwise the constant regrets will bring even more problems into your life. And that’s not going to help anyone.

[S]

I guess the pleasure/pain thing is like scary movies. A lot of people really enjoy watching horror films. They get some sort of excitement from it witch translates to pleasure in a weird way.

Anyway, as for regrets I found this pretty cool:

“Only my condemnation injures me. Only my forgiveness sets me free.”

A guiltless mind cannot suffer and in this instant between past and future (outside of this man made construct of time) we’re all guiltless.

[s*]

Everything goes exactely how it had to be.
Even when we regret things..it could not have been different.
´We are not the rulers of this world´

Maharaji Charan SinghJI often said that´we have no free will´
Then,we can learn from our doings and deeds..but..we cannot be quilty..

(puppets on a string)

[Spence Tepper]

Confession, understood rightly, is the acknowledgement, and acceptance, of what happened. Once that is done, it is a moment in time that divides everything that happened before from our existence in the now.

We aren't perfect. The notion of a forgiving God is part of that formula. Doing something now is doing our part now, to lay down better impressions. And to let go of what we will never be die to touch again. And with forgiveness, real forgiveness, we are not only allowed but encouraged to let it go.

The issue of regret has to do with our own constructed impression of ourselves and our attachment to it. Trying to preserve our sense of greatness.

We are nothing. Yet we have been given the immense ability to be aware.

Looking at the past we can also say, of course that happened... Today I understand that neither I nor the priest could have done anything different.

But I have the power today to do something different. Maybe just wiggle space, just accepting and adjusting, and trying to harm less. But then, that small change can be my source of accomplishment.

I can be happy with this gift to see, to hear, even to look back and understand.

Perhaps I can learn to look back as dispassionately as I look at now!

Great! Another avenue to learn more about Zen seeing and Zen balance!

Zen now is all there is. But looking at the past now is also now.

[albert]

To me, I have found no one that is completely free of regrets. It is my experience that when friends get together painful memories, complaints and commiseration inevitably finds its way into the dialogue. Sympathy and empathy are appreciated by all people.

A very great woman I know said, "The seeds of humility are planted in darkness...and watered by the tears of our regrets."

I resonate with her statement. She had tears in her eyes when she said it and it was clear that she walked her talk. Looking to my own life I simply cannot believe some of my own past actions and deeds...they are reprehensible, it is true. Even in the present reality I am amazed at the end of the day - when I review my behavior and states of consciousness for that day - how much impurity and negativity still exists within my mind.

Thus, I find a great solace and need to inculcate humility...many tears and many regrets have watered that garden within me. To what end? I do not know.

[S]

Regret is a very big word. I think people can have very unique and individual interpretations of its meaning.

[Dungeness]

@ I know that I don't like the sensation of regret, but it's been difficult for me to figure out how
@ to stop feeling regretful.

For me, the feeling is often split-second and so fleeting that I'm
scarcely aware it's there. One of the mind's constant little jabs.
Catch it in the act with a mindful counter attack. Quick though!
Or it keeps jabbing over and over. Subtly too. It may lie low
for a bit but, never fear, it'll be baaack!

Worse, if it senses you're gaining, it'll brings on the big dog:
GUILT! Then the windmills of your mind really spin out of
control. Self-flagellation begins in earnest. Can Catholic
penances or Jewish/Protestant flavored "guilt trips" be far
behind?

The only remedy is the balm of deep mindfulness. Those
truly blessed (or devilish to some here) mystics were right
again!

[Ain’t nobody got time for that]

regret:
a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.
"she expressed her regret at Virginia's death"

[S]

@Dungeness

Well said. 👌

It’s kinda crazy. People spend two and a half hours a day in meditation and then spend the other 21.5 hours living in the past or the future. Doesn’t make sense to me.

[Ron Krumpos]

I have Oughtism: “I ought to have done this, I ought not to have done that."

That is not exactly regret. It is more an acknowledgment of past stupidity.

[Tim Rimmer]

A very human post Brian.
Considering ‘regret’ brings up the cool word ‘confabulation’ which concerns how the mind makes up stories and scenarios. As you say the emotion of regret is more subtle and as Dungeness writes often tied up with guilt. To me, such things are the outcome of a common type of reminiscing that then moves to ‘what if’ discursive thinking.The latter keeps us in loops of past/future that can reinforce our sense of self as doer/thinker/story believer/victim etc - something we are trying to free up when engaged in various forms of meditation/mindfulness practice.
One of the closing scenes in the movie Inception comes to mind where the character says something like ‘An old man waiting to die alone, filled with regret’ - not a great place to be!
Then there’s this ad I remember on TV where a middle-aged couple trade gifts whilst sitting at the dinner table.The wife passes on her present, then the man gets up and takes his shirt off. The wife (and the viewer) think oh yeah they’re gonna get it on, however he turns around to display this massive new tattoo of the ‘missus’ on his back, with the words ‘No Regerts’…..

[Puddin]

If we are in everitt’s multiverse, then there are no regrets as we would supposedly have exercised all other paths.

Two things about this theory confuse me:

1. How come my consciousness only chooses 1 path or universe if there are multiple and which one does it choose if they are all chosen?

2. Is anything truly random or just unexplained? Perhaps I cannot understand why I chose to order a chocolate milkshake over strawberry on Tuesday but reversed my decision on Friday. Presented with the same choices at the same point of time, wont we always make the same choice if we live in a deterministic universe.

[S]

@Puddin

The answer is simple—parallel universes.
😄

[Dragon slayer]

REGRET, is a wasted life in RSSB, a life when you could have achieved more of your dreams, your goals, your love. Regret is being caught in the RSSB web and told by your guru (gurinder Singh dhillon) that he is the only salvation to enlightenment. Regret is falling for a fake guru, surrendering everything you have including your mind in the targeted brain-washing propaganda, your body in seva, and your soul in an initiation CONtract. Regret is when you realise , the man you thought was God incarnate is in reality a FRAUDSTER, sociopath, greedy, and totally selfish, and all you see is an image he portrays on a stage. My message is donot be foolish, run away from RSSB otherwise you will REGRET it.

[Slang]

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chronic%20cringe

Chronic Cringe:

"when you've done something so cringe you can't stop replaying it in your head and it stops you from getting on with your every day life"

Used in conversation...
"Dan: bro why have you been staring into space for the last hour doing nothing?
Me: bro i have a chronic cringe from what happened earlier I can't concentrate"

[S]

Slang,

The Past is an illusion. Even if it was just a minute ago. But caring is always an act that takes place in the present. If that makes sense…

❤️‍🩹

[umami]

Only an English lesson. Something I saw at random. "Chronic cringe" as a cool kid way of saying "regret."

[S]

Cool 😎