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April 23, 2019

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@Pal

No, really it may have seemed like I was being sarcastic (I sort of was and I sort of wasn’t). I really do appreciate your sincerely, though. I can tell you were just being sincere.

I’m kind of bipolar. Sometimes I have days of severe depression and everything seems bleak. I take medication which works most of the time but is never a 100% guaranteed to work every day kind of thing. I’m used to being wrong and I know no one else is to blame.

Anyway, I’m not using severe clinical depression as an excuse, I’m just saying that it does have an impact on how I feel and see things for a while. I work really, really hard to get through it without going crazy and so far I’ve always been able to get out of it eventually. Pain does not last forever. And I’m not using this as an excuse. I’m just trying to help you understand me.

One of the reasons (and actually the only reason) my relationship with my husband has lasted twenty years is because he’s extremely understanding of this particular issue, he’s very resilient and he loves me more than any other human being ever has. We have our difficult moments and quite often I feel really insecure, but he never lets go (even though he’s made a few false threats to leave 😂) and that’s what true love is. Someone who will never leave you no matter what. No one else has ever loved me that much—not even my parents lol. So, I’m incredibly blessed to have him as my life partner.

I can only imagine that the inner Master loves me just as much and maybe more. It is a difficult path. I followed it “religiously” for 14 years and then got side swiped for a period of time but am now back on track. However, even meditation isn’t going to take away my autoimmune disorders and the fact that I have to have surgery on my neck to have my neck fused—I’m not doing the disc replacement because that only lasts about nine years and I don’t want to keep repeating the pain or the surgeries. I’m pretty stressed over the operation because it takes 3 months to recover from the operation and I’m COMPLETELY PARANOID that the doctor is going to make a mistake and I’ll wind up paralyzed. So, I’m extremely worried and stressed and that just triggered another episode of severe depression but I’m coming out of that.

A lot of people are going through far worse things than I am. Believe me, I realize that—like the death of a loved one or chemo treatment or not knowing where they’re going to get their next meal.

I sit in meditation and it helps. It doesn’t take away my physical or mental karma but it helps relieve the pain just a little.

Anyway, I don’t know you. I’m sure you have a slew of problems of your own that you have to deal with. I focus on the fact that the inner master loves me and I have a husband who seems to really love me for some reason which I’ll never understand. And really, that’s pretty much all anyone needs.

Take care

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