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May 30, 2014


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Yes, I heard you speak last night and I remember the genuine tone that took over your speaking and demeanor when you shared about how much your dad is a part of your genetic make-up, not really gone... not really separated all that much, but there all the while in who you are and what you have come to be... along with your mother's side. It touched me deeply as the mother of a childless father. Watching her grow up without his direct influence at all, yet she had a bent (tendencies) that were very much like him. His family and mine would point the likeness out. But she had no respect for him being gone and she began to hate her association with him genetically. It turned into a self hatred thing which was very hard to watch. And this is what I told her, "Your father was born into this world with every possibility and chance that you have to do right, to make things right, and live a successful and happy life. He was born with extraordinary talent at a very young age and was equipped to tackle life's challenges. He made mistakes along the way that hampered those things; bad choices like giving up, drugs, crime, etc. And those are not the things for you to take on. You are to take on what you put into your own life, don't take his because it's not what's intended. It will snuff out space for your own successes. Do what you will with your fresh start. He was worthy and so are you." She took it to heart. She's determined to not be like him and she's determined to not be like me either. lol! She is her own person, her own person, and I'm grateful that she's a good listener who has done what so many of the rest of us wish what we can do... which is to learn from others mistakes and avoid making them ourselves. I am very proud of my "unlike me" daughter. Thanks for sharing your story. Stories from the Dark Side is like having your heart ripped out and thrown on the floor one moment and then we are touched and moved so much, the pieces melt all back together again. I was glad to go through yours with you.

She's determined to not be like him and she's determined to not be like me either.

If there's no free will, all that determination is a colossal waste of energy.

cc, the determination isn't her choice. It isn't the result of free will. The daughter's determination is determined by causes and effects, like everything is. There is no "waste of energy." The cosmos does what it does because it is doing it.

The Good Listener... thanks for sharing a great story of your own. Most eloquent. You have been giving your daughter excellent advice.

I too, as you know, was afraid of becoming like my father, since I have half of his genetic heritage.

Showing that even old dogs, and old people, can learn new tricks, I'm finally realizing that I can embrace the "good" of what my father has given me, and not embrace the "bad."

(I don't like those words when used moralistically, so put them in quotes.)

I think its wonderful that you're fine with your daughter's "unlike me" outlook. I've come to embrace that also. I used to fantasize that my daughter would have many of the same interests I do, and look upon life in the same way.

Sort of she does. But largely she doesn't. Geez, she happily lives in southern California, in the San Fernando Valley. I've come to be able to forgive her for that, for forsaking Oregon and the northwest.

cc, the determination isn't her choice. It isn't the result of free will.

True, but because she believes it is her choice, the ongoing conflict between what-is and what-should-be is sapping her energy. Should she realize she can't help but be futilely determined, it's no longer a problem...just a condition, already diminished in its severity by her realization.

" Should she realize she can't help but be futilely determined, it's no longer a problem...just a condition, already diminished in its severity by her realization."

--Well said. Like the Don Juan character in Castaneda's books, he lived his life like a "controlled folly". To him there was no meaning to life except the doing of it. So, he immersed himself in the doing of life, living a life that to him had "heart", wholeheartedly as if it really meant something.

Some people love to run like I used to. That's it. Follow your passion and just do it even if it's a trivial pursuit (to outsiders). One day, in the midst of that passion, you may find yourself in the position of the observer. It's sort of a position of detachment where you see that "you" are not there at all and life is just being lived with or without "you" being present. Suddenly the running becomes effortless.

It's confusing and misleading to say that "you may find yourself in the position of the observer", then to describe this as "a position of detachment where you see that "you" are not there".

Of course you're there. How else can you talk about not being there? Whatever you are at the moment - observer, pretender - you're there until you're dead.

Words fall short in describing these things. There is doing, but no doer. We objectify what is functioning (while objectifying) and call it "me" thereby making a noun out of a verb.

This switch to non-doing sometimes happens quite easily and at other times under duress. It is hard to set it up deliberately. There is no procedure or lesson. Pronouns are just stepping stones but the real step is into thin air. There are no words at that point.

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