With all the talk going on these days about sleazy financial deal-making, I've been wondering why Wall Street doesn't hire more religious experts. They seem even better suited than mathematical wizards to be able to fashion can't-miss investment schemes.
By "can't-miss," naturally I'm referring to the 100% certainty that the purveyor of the deal will profit. As is so often the case, the poor suckers who buy into it aren't guaranteed anything -- which is why the scheme is structured as it is.
There are lots of variations on the religious "Invest Now and Reap the Rewards Later" pitch. I'm most familiar with the guru-centered mystical/meditation variety, so that's how my scheme will be focused.
However, this is a template for how most religions try to reel in the gullible and unwary. If you've ever been a true believer, I'm sure you'll be able to recognize your own faith in some or all of the promises below.
Want to be spiritually wealthy?
You've come to the right place!
Invest with us.
We guarantee salvation!
We promise to teach you how to save your soul, know God, become enlightened, and/or reap the reward of heavenly bliss in your eternal afterlife.
Do what we tell you, and results are guaranteed.
But not necessarily in this life. So don't worry if your spiritual investment returns aren't obvious on your deathbed.
In your next life, which might be here on Earth, or it might be in some heavenly region, you'll be able to reap the rewards that you didn't enjoy in this lifetime.
Skeptical? Don't be. Trust us.
You have to. Because regretfully we are able to provide any evidence of the spiritual wealth that our clients have accumulated. This isn't in our control.
The Divine Securities and Exchange Commission has certain regulations that must be complied with. (Sorry, but we can't show you those either; you'll have to trust us about this also.)
If anyone, including our Guru/CEO, revealed the extent of the wealth that has been accumulated by investing with us, those assets would be taken away.
You might be wondering, "Why?" By asking this question, you are demonstrating a lack of trust in our investment approach.
In order to become rich -- not that anyone will ever know you are, maybe not even yourself -- you'll need to stifle the negativity that raises questions. Focus on two simple positive words, "Trust us."
Remember: you can't become spiritually wealthy if you're not actively investing your faith, time, money, emotions, and intellect.
Give up on our investment strategy, even if it seems like your assets are declining or staying steady, and that's how you become a loser.
Remember: all of our clients become rich. Some day. In some life. Outside of sight. Secretly. You can take that to the bank. Some day...
You can rest easy knowing that each of our clients enjoys a deeply personal relationship with his or her very own investment advisor, a clone of our CEO. The clone will be with you every moment of every day, overseeing your spiritual wealth-building.
You won't see any sign of this person. The clone isn't visible. And won't communicate with you. Or show any other sign of its presence.
But as we like to say, trust us.
None of our clients has failed to gain tremendous spiritual wealth. You'll see for yourself after you sign up with us.
Eventually. Probably in another life-time. Because our CEO clones like to preserve your new riches by not letting you be aware of them.
That way you won't be able to waste your capital by spending it on silly stuff. Like knowing that you've saved your soul, known God, become enlightened, and/or reaped the reward of heavenly bliss in your eternal afterlife.
The richest person is the one who doesn't know that he or she is rich. That motto works for us, for sure.
So sign up now for our 100% guaranteed spiritual wealth-building program. It'll take a hell of a lot of time and effort for you to make it work, but here's the best thing about it:
You'll never know if it worked. You can't lose, if you have no way of knowing whether you won!