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February 04, 2010

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Blogger Brian has strayed from the original simplicity of Plastic Bagism, aka The Pure Bag Cult, as evidenced by his statement as follows:

"Here is the paper bag turned inside out. Doing this teaches valuable lessons. First, it's damn difficult to turn a large paper bag inside out. I ended up crumpling and ripping the bag. But that's the price of enlightenment."

--Here he has defiled the teachings by using a paper bag which by his own admission is "damn difficult" to turn inside out.

Anyone can understand that it is far easier and faster to turn a plastic bag inside out without crumpling or damaging it. But does he want you to know that? Of course not. He obscures the Truth with his crappy brown bag. Why? Because he wants to sell you books on how to turn a goddamn paper bag inside out!!

Then, when one of the books becomes a best seller he can charge lots of appearance fees and get big money at speaking engagements. Not to mention scoring lots of hot virgins. He thinks he can actually get on Oprah's show.

See, the clarity of the plastic bag has given me insight into his game and sordid motives while all you suckers are lapping up his drivel.

Can't you see my way is the best and only way to clarity, a clarity that only a plastic bag can give?

You don't have to buy books from me or pay admission for one of my talks. All you have to do is buy one of my personally designed clear plastic bags in three monthly payments of $39.99 (plus shipping and handling). The clarity of Enlightenment is guaranteed or your money back.

Well, you found me out, Tucson. On the other hand (there's always another hand) if you take my paper bag to Office Max you can get 15% off whatever fits into the bag. Try doing that with a stupid clear plastic bag.

Which reminds me... I've got to see if Office Max will give me some sort of renumeration for all the publicity they've gotten on my blog. For the right price I'd be happy to rename it "Office Max's Church of the Churchless."

Now that I (the universe) know I am a paper bag turned inside out, I shall do a somersault to correct this imbalance.

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