Spiritual ego worse than worldly ego

Losing the ego... what's up with that? In most religions, particularly Eastern ones, this is supposed to be a supreme goal of spirituality. Yet no one has ever seen an "ego," much less the absence of one.

I've come to feel that "losing the ego" is one of those phrases that sounds like it means something -- and gets repeated in sermons, satsangs, and such as if it did -- but actually points to an absurdity.

How would a person without an ego, a sense of "I," personal desire, look? How would he or she be different from other people? Could we distinguish a no-ego person from an ego person?

Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest who I've praised as a spiritual rebel, addresses these questions in "Awareness." I started to re-read this book in a fashion that, in my old true believing days, I would have called miraculous.

Now, the word I'd use is curious. Meaning, interesting in an I'm clueless about what it means fashion.

The day after I wrote my "The Meaning of Life? Life" post, I was drawn to peruse my bookcase for some fresh pre-meditation reading. Scanning the many spiritual, philosophical, and mystical titles, I picked up de Mello's "Taking Flight" -- which I hadn't looked at in a long time.

Flipping to a page at random, I saw one highlighted passage:

For the secret of life is to be found in life itself -- not in doctrines about it.

"Well, far out!" I thought. "A message from God. But wait! I don't believe in God. So, I guess it's just a message."

I put the book back. I chose "Awareness" instead. Here's some quotes on the ego question:

I said there were two types of selfishness; maybe I should have said three. First, when I do something, or rather, when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself; second, when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing others. Don't take pride in that. Don't think you're a great person. You're a very ordinary person, but you've got refined tastes.

Then you've got the third type, which is the worst: when you do something good so that you won't get a bad feeling. It doesn't give you a good feeling to do it; it gives you a bad feeling to do it. You've making loving sacrifices but you're grumbling... That's the worst kind of charity, when you're doing something so you won't get a bad feeling.

...Say this scrap of paper is a billion-dollar check. Ah, I must renounce it, the gospel says, I must give it up if I want eternal life. Are you going to substitute one greed -- a spiritual greed -- for the other greed?

Before, you had a worldly ego and now you've got a spiritual ego, but you've got an ego all the same, a refined one and one more difficult to cope with.

Right on. I much prefer worldly assholes to spiritual assholes.

If you're going to be a jerk, and we all are in varying degrees of jerkiosity, why not be a straightforward Yes, I am jerk? That's so much more honest than being an I'm just a humble servant of God (or guru) jerk.

De Mello says, and I agree, that everybody without exception does what they do because it makes them feel better than doing something else. Like an old friend used to say, "We're pleasure-seeking missiles." We lock on to the goal of happiness and fly in that direction.

Self-sacrifice, love, charity. These are all ways people use to feel happy. Some other ways are self-assertion, hatred, possessiveness. Different strokes for different folks, all directed toward feeling good.

Ego is there in every case. With true believers, it just gets covered up under a layer of holier-than-thouness.

Not to mention names, but one of them is mine, I came to see the truth of this when I worked with high-ranking sevadars in the Radha Soami Satsang Beas organization. I'd always believed that decades of spiritual practice, meditating with love and devotion just as the guru instructed, would cause someone to be a better person.

What I found, though, was that big egos, controlling natures, and selfish desires simply were transmuted into a subtler form. Like De Mello says, this made someone's jerkiosity more difficult to discern -- but it was still there.

Think of all the good deeds you've done, or of some of them (because I'm only giving you a few seconds). Now understand that they really sprang from self-interest, whether you knew it or not. What happens to your pride? What happens to your vanity?

What happens to that good feeling you gave yourself, that pat on the back every time you did something that you thought was so charitable? It gets flattened out, doesn't it?

What happens to that looking down at your neighbor who you thought was so selfish? The whole thing changes, doesn't it?

"Well," you say, "my neighbor has coarser tastes than I do."

You're the more dangerous person, you really are. Jesus Christ seems to have had less trouble with the other type than with your type. Much less trouble. He ran into trouble with people who were really convinced they were good.

Other types didn't seem to give him much trouble at all, the ones who were openly selfish and knew it.

Yes, that's me. Now that you've read this post, leave me a comment. Tell me how much you love what I wrote! Make me feel good!

If you do, you'll feel good too. And that's what life is all about.

Comments

[Juan]

Brian, wonderful post, thank you so much, also lot of thanks especially to TAO and TUSCON for their valuable comments on this web. You write too good.

I am new here and have come to know about this web maybe two months before, though I haven't gone through all your posts, I have really loved all your posts, I've read.

It gives me a very good feeling that somebody associated with RSSB so long can express the truth.

I wait impatiently for your posts every alternative days as they make me feel good.

Thanks again for everything.

[Rain]

I also like de Mello, have both of those books and likewise haven't read them for a long time. Good reminders :)

[Elizabeth W]

"And that's what life is all about".
I love your writings, Brian, always have, always will. But loathe delusions - if that's what life is all about, please save me.
Elizabeth W

[Brian]

Elizabeth, my post ending was a bit tongue-in-cheek. But also, fairly serious.

Isn't life about living in harmony...with life? That's my goal, every day. When there's a pleasant interchange between me and what isn't me (animate or inanimate), I feel good. When there isn't, I don't feel so good.

I just learned that a crucial, vitally important, can't be missed football game this afternoon between Oregon State and Arizona actually is on our DISH network satellite system.

Joy! The newspapers showed it only on Comcast cable. I just profusely thanked my satellite dish. My day is now so much better. TV giveth, and TV can taketh away.

There may be more to life than feeling in harmony with life, giving and receiving, touching and being touched, speaking and listening, and so on, and so on, and so on.

But I'm not wise (or foolish) enough to know what it is. And I guess that's why I said, "And that's what life is all about."

I kidded when I demanded praise for my blog post. What I really was getting at is that we all are seeking something from life, and might as well be honest about that.

Some people have refined tastes; others have cruder tastes. I agree with you that there is something beyond tasting. But I don't believe it is possible to say what it is (still, tomorrow I'll probably try to talk about why it can't be said -- because that's pleasant for me).

[zenjen]

Is life just about feeling good? These moments just come and go. Maybe we learn more when things aren't so good.

Being natural and being in the moment is not that easy ... dealing with our conditioning and programming ... being honest with oneself can be brutal and agonizing.

It helps if we can just become aware of what we are thinking, what we are saying, watching our feelings and emotions, our beliefs, our concepts ... our ego ... with a kind of detached manner, not being too critical.

In other words become the observer of the small self (or ego) going about its daily business.

... and Roger please don't ask me what 'just' means ... cheers.

[Sita]

Good one zenjen.

Even laugh about ourself at times..

[david]

great post! i love your blog.

[Robert Paul Howard]

Dear Brian,

When you stated: "...that's me" - was the "that" = "him" (= "Jesus Christ") or the "[o]ther types"?

Robert Paul Howard

[Brian]

Robert, I assumed it was obvious: I'm the "other types." The ones who are openly selfish and know it. I adore pleasure. I like getting what I like. I much prefer praise to criticism. Yes, that's me.

[zenjen]

Thanks Sita. I agree, it is important to have a laugh at myself and not be too serious.

Pushing anything to the extreme can lead to undesirable counteractions.

I also think it is great that Brian can be so honest and maybe we are all kind of obsessed with self.

[Osho Robbins]

Okay, let's talk about ego.

I am going to enjoy this.

I used to go to RS satsangs, and they talk about ego as if it is this 'evil' thing we have to get rid of.

Then one day I realised that ego was not something 'out there' or even 'in here'.

Ego was ME. I was it.

"We have seen the enemy and it is us."

I think it was Winston Churchill who said that of something similar.

Well how about a paraphrase about the ego.
"I have seen the ego and it is ME...!"

What the heck is this thing called ego which according to the scriptures is the barrier between ME and GOD (or if you're not into GOD- then ME and IT (Oneness))

EGO is the sense of being a separate SELF.

Enlightenment is knowing there is no separate self - there is only ONE.

So what is spiritual EGO? Well that is when you feel PROUD about some ATTAINMENT (eg. SEVA, HUMILITY, MEDITATION, GIVING A GOOD TALK, LOSING THE EGO... Shall I go on???)

On a path like sant mat - you will get a highly inflated spiritual ego - because sant mat is based on DOING and ATTAINING. These lead to ego. The truth is you cannot avoid ego and if you do you will feel proud!!

Truth comes from NON-DOING - which comes from knowing there is no DOER. All is happening THROUGH you.

Kabir says "What has been done - YOU have done. I did nothing. How can I say I did it when YOU were inside me pulling the strings."

[zenjen]

Well now, who is pulling the strings?

[Brian]

Osho, nicely said.