My wife found some note cards when she was cleaning out a drawer. "Here," she said, handing them to me. "They're yours."
No doubt. My handwriting is distinctive, in the sense of unreadable.
But I can decipher my own scribblings. Most of the time, at least. (I've been known to hand a store clerk my grocery list and ask, "Can you tell me what I wrote down here?")
I thumbed through the cards and realized what they were: an initial attempt to organize themes for the talks that I used to give regularly at meetings of Radha Soami Satsang Beas (RSSB) devotees.
After I'd jotted down some thoughts on a handful of cards I gave up, realizing that my unorganized speaking approach was something that I'd never be able to cast off.
Still, there was some benefit to writing down these ideas. Now they serve as a window into my past true believing mind. Which, not so surprisingly, turns out to be quite similar to my current skeptical mind.
Do we ever really change our personality spots? I don't think so. We just make up different stories about them.
Here's what I said back then, whenever "then" was. Ten years or so, probably.
I'm considered a RSSB heretic now. But reading the cards, I realized that whatever I think today isn't so different from what I thought then. That's why I consider my heresy non-heretical.
Non-existence would be proof that God doesn't exist. Hence, it is terrifying. Of course, no one has experienced it. But prospect is dreadful, depressing, scary.
God is existence [Meister Eckhart]. All beings thirst for existence. This thirst is infinite, because existence is infinite. A longing that never lessens. With spirituality, eating causes hunger. Love…love, a circle with no end.
God is one. We need to look through everything and see God within. A single great chain of being. If Master [the guru] lies along that chain, our attachment to him is beneficial. If not, then it isn't.
Why do we not see God? Why is he missing? Perhaps, because the One is everything and so is everywhere. All is spirit, so spirituality is omnipresent. But we see only the crudest side of spirit.
Satsang [sermon, basically]. No truth in satsang, none at all. The true word can't be spoken. So, no heresy. Heresy is a matter of will, not intellect. Even the Master never says anything that is true.
Brain has no sensation at all, so we may sense all things. Likewise, when our non-material consciousness is empty of all self-induced sensation, it perceives what is beyond the self.
What is the most amazing thing we can say about God? How little, if anything, we can say about God. Same with Master; same with us.
Knowing. Do I know what I am talking about? No. But I know that I am talking. And this is the only true knowing: immediate and intuitive. Meister Eckhart: "To know God is to know that He causes us to know."
What you know of yourself is what you know of God. Self can't be known; it is lived.
Beautiful blonde at end of bar. "Buy a girl a drink?" We're accustomed to "but's" accompanying fulfillment of desire. Can't throw ourselves completely into anything, which is wise with worldly desires. But with spirit – need to boldly embrace.
Many words, less truth. No agreement. Even "holy names" not holy.