Thanks to my friend Randy, who emailed me these images today, for a while I felt really good. Finally! I was beginning to get a well-deserved recognition of my holiness – as befits someone, namely Me, who has preached so many sermons here at the Church of the Churchless.
Unfortunately, I let reality enter into my fantasy. Not a good idea, if you're entertaining delusions of spiritual grandeur (one of my favorite activities).
I made the mistake of Googling "church of briantology card." And damn it!, up popped a result that led me to a blogger who just had to write about his birthday, and how he got a great card that says on the front "The Church of Briantology," blah, blah, blah.
Well, that explains why the guy on the card doesn't look at all like me. Where's the beard? Where's the distinguished, graying, intelligent, charismatic, literary, sublime expression? Where's the posture of profound humility mixed with undeniable worshipability?
So it looks like I need to toot my own horn, since so far I don't even have a greeting card purely in my honor. It's time for some Church of the Churchless devotee to perform an act of service that, frankly, some visitor to this blog should have thought of on his or her own a long ago.
But it looks like the divine plan is for me to proclaim the obvious from my blogosphere mountaintop: There should be a "Brian Hines" Wikipedia entry.
I would have already written it myself, being eminently qualified to discuss my marvelous accomplishments and qualities, but Wikipedia has a hangup about autobiographical articles.
They are often biased, usually positively. People will write overly positively about themselves, and often present opinions as facts. Wikipedia aims to avoid presenting opinions as facts.
Hey, me too. If someone wants to draft a Wikipedia article about me, I'll be happy to review it and make sure that any unsupported opinions in it are converted to facts.
For example, if the draft said "Some feel that Hines has an inflated opinion of his philosophical and spiritual knowledge," I'd correct the sentence to read "Hines' writings are recognized as exceptional examples of modern scientific spirituality."
One point in my Wikipedia favor, among many, is that lots of information about me and my life is available online. Some of it even hasn't been written by me. Wikipedia says:
One thing which you can do to assist other Wikipedia editors is, if you already maintain a personal website, please ensure that any information that you want in your Wikipedia article is already on your own website. As long as it's not involving grandiose claims like, "I was the first to create this widget," or "My book was the biggest seller that year," a personal website can be used as a reference for general biographical information.
I've scanned the notability criteria (though not too closely, because I've already decided that I'm notable and don't need any inconvenient facts messing up that conclusion). Name recognition is important, and Google testifies to my preeminence among the world's Brian Hines'.
Which reminds me: Eric, another friend, recently passed on a link to The Church of Google. I already spend a lot of time worshipping there, so I'm glad to learn that one of my favorite divinities (other than Me) has been proven to be God, as I've always suspected.
Would-be "Brian Hines" article writers should feel free to email me to discuss how we can best collaborate on relieving the distress of a well-deserving man who is suffering from Wikipedia deprivation.
Fawning sycophants will receive priority attention. But since admirers in this category seem to number in the zeros, I'll consider anyone moderately capable in the English language to be well qualified (openness to editing suggestions is a must).