I never realized how much religion was like kissing Hank’s ass until, not surprisingly, I read “Kissing Hank’s Ass.” What a revelation! Every Church of the Churchless visitor should read it also.
If you don’t, Hank will kick your ass. I guarantee it. Hank told me so. Well, not Hank exactly. But the thought, If you don’t, Hank will kick your ass, just came into my mind, and I sincerely believe that it came directly from Hank. You’ll just have to trust me on that.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention the good news. If you do kiss Hank’s ass, you’ll get a million dollars. Not right away, of course. There’s some fine print to the deal. Read it to learn the details. Or watch a video of Kissing Hank’s Ass courtesy of Carnival of the Godless.
Then check out John Cooper’s Hankisms. Here many religions of West and East have been converted into pithy Hankisms. I note that Sant Mat doesn’t have an entry yet. Hank willing, I’ll write one, since I’m eminently qualified. But if anybody else wants to beat me to it, be my guest.
The Kissing Hank’s Ass metaphor for the ages (or at least a few years) is the brainchild of Rev. James Huber, whose website's tagline is “Effing the ineffable since 1996.” Wow! An Internet old timer.
I found a lot to like after a quick browse of Rev. James’ sermonizing. His Frequently Asked Questions closely mirror my own attitudes concerning faith and science. I particularly liked these Q and As:
Q: If you don't believe in God, why do you spend so much time talking about Him? You don't spend time talking about the Toothfairy or Santa Claus.
A: The people who believe in the Toothfairy and Santa Claus don't vote, neither do they threaten to beat the shit out of people I care about. When people start beating my friends for not putting teeth under their pillow, or there's serious talk about defining marriage as between one man and eight tiny reindeer, I'll start complaining about that.
Q: Why do you use offensive language?
A: To offend a certain kind of people. I reference sexual and excretory functions; the people I'm mocking reference hellfire. Out of fucking, taking a shit and being burned alive, which is on your avoid-at-all-costs list for this weekend?
And be sure to check out “Pascal’s Sucker-Bet.” If you don’t click on that link, Hank will kick your ass. Believe it.