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September 22, 2005

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Brian,
I have been checking in on your site from time to time to see how your struggle is going. When I talked to you at the Portland NWW last year, I had had a recent bubble breaking episode and it was good to talk to someone that was having similar issues. It was very weird believing in something for so long (30 + years) and believing it so firmly and then to one day realize that maybe it wasn't all true. It was one of those truly sinking feelings.

I have done a lot of soul searching since then and many of the bubbles on your list have also popped for me or have become severely deflated. My attendance at satsang has declined markedly and it is very agonizing process to prepare to give a talk because I can't do it with the same conviction.

However, I have reduced the issue to

-there is a God and it certainly appears that many enlightened souls have been able to achieve some union with said God (Plotinus among them - I enjoyed the book thanks).
-The basic tenents of Sant Mat still make sense to me even though there maybe issues with the current organization.
- I have meditated for 30 + years fairly religiously, but I have not been able to hold my attention at the eye center for any extended period of time.

So now my focus is not to overanalyze the path or look for new ways, but try and achieve that focus, (prove the experiment works or doesn't work by repeating the experiment properly) because the books and the Masters have all said that is the only way you can achieve spiritual progress and it still makes sense to me. (I know I would like some magic or miracle to occur and have the Master give me a little taste to boost my effort, but I have just about given up on that hope). So now I am trying to make sure that I do my part properly before I dismiss the Path as a big spiritual mistake. Unfortunately if I have a break through I won't be able to tell you because us satsangis, conveniently, aren't suppose to reveal our inner experiences.

In any case I just wanted to say that I appreciate your writings and the well thought out and rational comments of your readers, the different perspectives presented here and most importantly your sense of humor.

I haven't signed this post because I'm not ready to come out of the closet quite yet. I'm not ready to admit that I might be homo-spiritual. Or would hetro-spiritual be more appropriate because I am now willing to engage in spiritual intercourse with people of a diffent path than my own?
Or in reality I guess I am curren't bi-spiritual since I will go both ways.

Sir,
You absolutely hit the nail dead center when you said: "Sort of. It’s becoming clearer to me that keeping myself puffed up is a wearying job. Beliefs have a way of collapsing without constant care and feeding. That’s why believers go to church, read holy books, and pray that they’ll keep the faith. Ergo, keep believing.
A bubble of belief needs to be constantly pumped up or it deflates. I used to put a lot of time and effort into keeping my bubbles nice and firm. Shapely. Well-defined. Increasingly (and crudely) I’m embracing a “fuck it” philosophy, alluded to semi-seriously in a previous post.
Meaning, if my belief loses air and I can’t keep it afloat, so be it. I’m not going to get out my belief-pump and waste a lot of time and energy getting the pressure back into it. I figure that if it can’t hold up on its own, it isn’t worth maintaining. How much work does reality take to keep in good working order? Zero. The laws of nature never need to go in to the repair shop. So my attitude toward religious beliefs is, “If it’s broke, don’t fix it.” I’m looking for what lasts, not for what needs constant care and attention."
Wow! As someone reading that, it is quite compelling and inspiring, even more, you take it so lightly but hey, whatever works. You are quite something! Good Job. Regards, Chris Clay.

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