Ears of corn. They seem so natural, so innocent, all wrapped up in their tight green leafy kimonos, begging to be stripped naked and devoured with lustful buttery zeal.
(Guess I've been watching too much Stephen Colbert "cornography.")
But when you get them home... watch out.
Yesterday I found out how dangerous corn can be. I don't want anyone else to suffer needlessly like I did, so I'm getting my story out onto the Internet in hopes of saving other innocent victims from what I've gone through.
I stopped at a farm stand where I've been buying fruit all summer. After getting a box of berries, I noticed that corn now was available. Unthinkingly, not recognizing the danger I was putting myself in, I bought six ears.
They looked so fresh, I decided to eat one for an energy boost before heading off on my late afternoon dog walk. Not wanting to delay the family pet's Big Joy in Life, sticking an ear in the microwave seemed the fastest cooking option.
I chose four minutes. On high. In a covered glass bowl with some water inside. Good choice. When I took the cover off and felt the kernels they seemed just right: firmly soft, taut yet yielding.
After adding some butter and salt I took my first bite. Which was almost instantly followed by my first profanity. Goddamn hot! So hot, I couldn't believe it, because I'd let the ear of corn cool for, oh, I don't know, can't remember exactly, but it was at least 30 seconds.
Plenty of time for a large ear of corn to reach a comfortable eating temperature after only being in a microwave on high for four minutes. Plenty.
So, scientifically minded guy that I am, I repeated the experiment to see if my initial results were a statistical anomaly. Maybe just a few corn molecules had bucked the thermodynamic entropic odds, ending up in a hotter state rather than cooler after being removed from the microwave, and I'd had the bad luck of eating them.
I had a second bite. And uttered a second profanity. Goddamn hot! Now I could feel some burned spots inside my mouth even though by this time the corn had cooled for well over a minute.
It just didn't seem possible that an ear of corn could stay so hot for so long. Given the unlikelihood that it could, I continued to eat the corn, ritualistically uttering Goddamn hot! after each bite.
This morning, when I brushed my teeth, I could feel how tender the inside of my mouth was. The damn corn had seriously burned me!
The first person I warned about corn today was my wife. When I told her how dangerous corn could be, describing in detail how I carefully prepared an ear of corn yet still was burned by it, she said:
"This is why women live longer than men."
Why she came up with this uncompassionate response is beyond me. There was no warning sign at the farm stand -- or better, attached to each ear of corn -- alerting consumers to the risks of cooking corn in a microwave and then eating it.
What the hell is the Food and Drug Adminstration doing? Why hasn't the Product Safety Commission stepped in? I can't believe that I'm the first overly-trusting purchaser of corn who thought he was buying a safe vegetable.
How many more people are going to needlessly suffer after biting into a microwaved ear of corn? How many more innocent people will have their pain amplified by repeated mouth-burnings, as happened to me?
Even one more is too many. So forward this blog post to friends, relatives, co-workers, and loved ones -- especially those at greatest risk.
On the off chance my wife is correct, focus on the men you know.