I hope my wife understands. Why, of course, she will. She's a retired psychotherapist. Laurel knows what happens when a man falls head over heels in love -- all the crazy things he'll do, how his life revolves around her.
My new Macintosh laptop is a girl. That's obvious.
She's thin, sleek, responsive, and oh-so-sexy. Plus, she almost always does just what I want her to. No back talk, like the B.S. I had to put up with from a string of Windows PCs that I've had mercurial relationships with.
After a couple of weeks with my electronic sweetie I've got just one worry: that my infatuation is going over the top.
Some warning signs have popped up.
Yesterday I ran into a Tai Chi class acquaintance in the snacking room of Salem's foremost (and only) natural food store. We chatted about this and that, then somehow the conversation turned to Ms. MacBook.
I heard myself going on and on about how beautiful she was, how she'd changed my life so much for the better, how the first thing I do when I get up in the morning is turn her on and see what fresh pleasure she has to give me.
Then, when I had to take a breath and my friend was able to get a word in -- "I haven't seen the new MacBook yet" -- I excitedly exclaimed "Wait! It'll just take a second! I'll introduce her to you!"
Oh, yeah. She was in the car, waiting for me.
I grabbed my backpack and rushed back inside. For the next ten minutes I put her through her paces, letting my friend stroke her stylish touchpad and admire her glossy screen.
Eventually I realized that maybe, just maybe, I was telling her, a male acquaintance, and her mother (who'd popped up in time to see the end of my isn't-she-lovely? gabfest) more than they wanted to know about a frigging laptop.
Well, I couldn't help myself. Blame it on hormones, or whatever makes a man fall in lust with a single slab of polished aluminum packed with gorgeous electronics.
I felt a bit better about myself when I found out that I'm not alone. This clever web page documents, bluntly, the giddiness Mac owners feel toward their computers.
Ever notice how most Mac users are skinny? It's because of all the calories they burn because they can't shut the fuck up about how great their Macs are. What is it about Apple that makes its users unable to shut their mouths? Everywhere I go, there's another asshole with a Mac preaching about how much better Macs are than PCs.
OK. You nailed me.
But I won't be quiet. There's more love stories to tell. And I can use my lover to share them! Marvelous...