It’s been quite a day for me on the fighting terrorism front. Two major accomplishments to report. (1) I discovered Al Qaeda’s headquarters in the United States. It’s in Indianapolis, Indiana. Got their email address too but haven’t had time to follow up on it.
I’ve been too busy analyzing what certainly appears to be an Al Qaeda email message that somehow found its way into my Outlook inbox. Don’t know how it got there. Several pieces of evidence suggest that Al Qaeda isn’t using super-duper secret 2006 lock-the-door-and-toss-away-the-key email communication techniques.
So the message I intercepted likely is authentic. I’ll share it with the blogosphere before I forward it to the CIA. Some details, of course, I’m keeping to myself. Got to keep some leverage for my book deal. Working title: “How I single-handedly unraveled Al Qaeda in America.” (Contract offers from major publishers are now being accepted).
Peace be upon you. Hope this finds you well. How is Fallujah these days? Are there any new Internet cafes?
Last time we communicated you spoke of the rumor that Starbucks was going to open an outlet. If they did, make sure your martyrs choose other targets: I’m sipping a SB vanilla latte right now while using their wi-fi, and it’s to die for, which is why our brave brothers and sisters shouldn’t—near the expresso machine, at least.
Anyway, I must tell you that this is the last message you will get from me. I’m about to toss my computer down a well (where, may Allah forgive my obscenity, this piece-of-crap Windows machine should have gone a long time ago) for things are getting too hot for me here.
I can’t believe it, my friend! Bush and his godless National Security Agency have been spying on American citizens like me without a warrant. Remember when I told you not to worry about the messages you were sending me from Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq, because the law required a time-consuming warrant to spy on people in this infidel country?
Big mistake. I didn’t read the part in the FISA Act about after-the-fact warrants. Worse, I trusted Bush to obey the Constitution and play by the rules. I have failed you, Mohammed! I never thought that the U.S. government would intercept the emails where we openly discussed all those details about impending Al Qaeda attacks.
Curses be upon Bush and his intelligent agencies! And praises upon the New York Times, without whom I never would have thought about communicating with you through channels more secure than my Yahoo email account. Truly the Times has done Al Qaeda in America a great service. Now we know that the NSA has been tracking emails and phone calls between the brothers overseas and those of us in this country.
Who would have thought that this would happen after our glorious victory on 9/11?
I am now retracing my Internet steps, trying to figure out where I might have left clues as to the presence of my terrorist cell. I wish I hadn’t bought all those books on Amazon about how to build a dirty bomb. And to have them shipped to my real address, fool that I am!
I also am wondering if that “Seventy hot virgins want to meet you now, not when you die” web site you sent me the URL for was actually a CIA ruse. After I clicked on the link that said “Find out what is awaiting you in paradise, you big studly martyr” my computer started acting different.
I kept getting popups that asked me to enter my name, address, and phone number if I wanted to meet sexy babes in my area who liked extreme Islamic fundamentalist radicals, which, naturally, I did. Funny thing was, I never got more info about the women.
Mohammed, I am beginning to think that I may have compromised both my cell and our entire movement in America. I should have suspected that intelligence agencies were monitoring our communications. Naïve, naïve, naïve! That’s me.
Well, I’m about to trash my computer. From now on I’ll write letters to you instead of using email. Is the post office in Fallujah still standing? And have you gone to U.S. style zip codes yet? Please advise.
I assume the NSA and CIA don’t open mail from American citizens that is going to Al Qaeda hotspots in Iraq. That would be illegal, wouldn’t it? I don’t think we have any need to worry about this new way of communicating. I’ll go buy some stamps and stationery as soon as I finish my latte.
The Islamic Revolution is near, my friend. With Allah’s help we will outsmart the infidels.
[Note to the NSA and/or other intelligence agencies: this weblog posting is a satire protected by the First Amendment of the Constitution (remember that?), not an actual Al Qaeda communication. If I get any of those for real, I’ll be sure to forward them to you. After I’ve written my book, that is.]
My point in this post is that it's ridiculous to believe that Al Qaeda operatives are so clueless as to be plotting over open email and telephone channels. The electronic surveillance capabilities of American intelligence agencies have been an open secret for a long time. As The Left Coaster points out, Bush's illegal spying program doesn't make us safer. Quite the opposite.
Plus, Al Qaeda is out to subvert America's freedoms and way of life. By trashing the Constitution, the Bush administration is aiding and abetting in this effort.