I’ve got a new plan for finally getting DSL in our neighborhood. I came up with it after making use of a two-for-one Hollywood Video coupon, which enabled me to watch “Kill Bill: Volume 1” along with “The Secret Lives of Dentists” the past few days. It took me that long to finish “Kill Bill,” because I had to watch it in snatches when Laurel wasn’t within eyeshot or earshot of the television.
For some reason that, after fourteen years of marriage I still haven’t fully understood, Laurel believes that almost every movie should be (1) realistic, and (2) uplifting. She also believes that no movie should show (3) blood spurting from decapitated bodies, or (4) limbs being sliced off people. Thus, these four criteria put “Kill Bill” near the bottom of her films-to-see list—maybe even in some cavern under the bottom.
I, on the other hand, can hugely enjoy movies that revel in everything that Laurel finds objectionable. Which is why I liked “Kill Bill” a lot. It is violent in a cartoonish sort of way, and wonderfully unrealistic (I loved how Uma Thurman, a,k.a. the Bride, flew first class on airplanes with her samurai sword neatly tucked next to her seat—I guess security was on a coffee break when she boarded ).
However, I disagreed with Laurel’s view that this movie about a single-minded quest for revenge wasn’t uplifting. I was inspired by the Bride’s determination to right the horrible wrongs that were inflicted upon her (and the rest of her wedding party). Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. I liked it when the Bride turned to the young daughter of a woman she had just killed and said: “I know you’re sad your mother is dead. But believe me, she had it coming. When you grow up, if you feel that a wrong has been done here today, you can come find me.” (not a direct quote…the DVD has been returned)
In another scene the beautiful-but-tough-as-nails Yakuza boss, Lucy Liu, struts into a Tokyo nightspot with a posse of her black-suited, Zorro-masked henchmen (and one henchwoman) . Everyone has a samurai sword slung over his or her back. Not surprisingly, they get treated extremely obsequiously by the staff and get seated in a prime spot above the dance floor. Nothing like being accompanied by a few dozen tough guys with samurai swords if you want a good table.
After talking with a Qwest technician this afternoon about our (rather dim) chances for getting DSL service any time soon in our Spring Lake Estates neighborhood, I couldn’t help fantasizing about a “Kill Bill, Volume 3: The Qwest.” This would be a short subject film, really, just a few minutes long with a simple plot.
A good-sized collection of people who live just five miles from a large town’s city limits (we would call it “Salem” for a touch of realism), and just 2.3 miles from an existing DSL junction box, desperately want high-speed Internet service. They are too far from town for cable, and satellite access costs too much. For several years they have waited patiently for an unfeeling, distant, mega-corporation (we would call it “Qwest” for another touch of realism) to bring them the phone service they feel they deserve.
But Qwest keeps coming up with one excuse after another, and one day (make it May 5) an aggrieved neighbor learns that everyone in Falls City, among other remote places, has DSL available to them, while these folks just five miles from Salem do not. This pisses them off. Not angrily, but Uma Thurman style coldly-calculatingly. Conveniently, a Yakuza mob boss, played again by Lucy Liu, lives in their peaceful rural environs—for reasons this short subject won’t have time to explain.
Lucy listens to the plaint of her DSL-hungry neighbors and agrees to help them out. All she needs to know, she says, is the office address of the area’s DSL supervisor. She whispers some instructions to her henchmen. They leave with their samurai swords. A week later everyone is downloading movies over the Internet. They invite the DSL supervisor over for tea (this is a movie Laurel would watch—no one gets hurt). Not surprisingly, he feels like he can’t refuse.